BINGO! Now…snack on some lead and hand over the loot.

HOBE SOUND, Florida (AP) — A woman who won thousands of dollars playing bingo was shot in the stomach early Monday morning when she refused to give the money to would-be robbers, sheriff’s officials said.

Pamela Anderson, 39, won $5,900 at bingo Sunday night near West Palm Beach before leaving with a friend for her home in Hobe Sound, about 30 miles north. A car with two men and two women trailed behind her. When Anderson arrived home early Monday, one man pointed a gun at her and told her to open her car door and give him the money.

When she refused, he shot her. Anderson then tried to drive to the hospital but started to faint and crashed into construction barricades.

She was taken by helicopter to a West Palm Beach hospital and was listed in critical condition Monday. Her passenger was unhurt.

The suspects didn’t get any of Anderson’s money, authorities said.

I have problems with several parts of this. Before I get to those, let us first review what we learn from this incident. First, we learn what a 39 year old Hobe Sound Florida woman’s life is worth. If her own actions are any indication, it is worth $5900. If she dies, I’m sure her family will engrave on her tombstone a loving tribute to her valient death in the name of bingo winnings.

Now…First off I noticed her name is Pam Anderson. We don’t even have to touch that one. I’ll let it slide and you can just make up a punchline in your own head.

Second, the carload of redneck scumbags trailed the woman with the cash for THIRTY MILES. They then SHOT her. The worst part about this is that they DIDN’T EVEN GET THE FUCKING MONEY!!! Its not like there was just ONE scumbag, or two. There were FOUR and none of them had the good criminal instinct to grab the goddam swag after they capped the lady? I’m not condoning their actions…its just that I was raised to do things 100% and I tend to get a little irate when I hear about a job done half-assedly. This incomplete robbery is a direct assault on my core values! Hell, when you factor in the costs of gas and ammo, the crooks actually LOST money in this deal. Plus 10 evil points for the shooting and minus 5 for running away empty handed

Third… “Her Passenger was unhurt.” The passenger stayed in the car!? What in the wide wide world of sports led to THAT development?

I can imagine what the dialogue must have been like in that car following the shooting. Actually, check that. I can imagine what the “choose your own adventure” version of this story would look like.

“Your friend has been shot! Do you:
1. Go inside the house and call an ambulance (turn to the next page)
2. Have her lie down in the back of the car while you drive her to the hospital (turn to page 78)
3. Tell her that she had better step on it if she wants to get to the ER before she bleeds to death (turn to page 100)”

That must have been some kind of crazy carnival ride until Pam passed out and crashed the car. I’m sure some kind of ironic song was playing on the radio the whole time.
Radio: “takin care of business…everyday! takin care of business…everyway!”
Passenger: Hey Pam I can see your ribcage through your bullet wound and its making me a little uncomfortable.

Oh well…look for the “driver with a gunshot wound” thrill ride to be making its way to carnivals everywhere in 2004. It will be replacing the tilt-a-whirl.