Because Who’d Want To Fuck Denise Richards?

Charlie Sheen must be having a pretty shitty month, after soon-to-be-ex Denise Richards dropped this bombshell.

Richards said, then shoved her to the ground and screamed, “I hope you f–king die, bitch.” As Richards, 35, tells it, Sheen was angry because she had told her divorce attorney about discovering details of Sheen’s porn-surfing practices. Richards’s declaration, filed in support of her request for a restraining order against Sheen, contends that Sheen “belonged” to “disturbing” sites “which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me with pigtails, braces, and no pubic hair performing oral sex with each other.” Other sites visited by Sheen, Richards alleges, involved “gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults.” Richards claims that she also discovered that Sheen “belonged to several sex search type sites” on which he “looked for women to have sex with.” His online profile, Richards adds, included a photo of “his erect penis.”

I’m surprised, really. Not surprised that he does this, nor am I surprised that Denise revealed it. I’m frankly surprised that his sexual tastes aren’t way more fucked up than this. Once you’ve swapped fluids with the kind of scandalously diseased whores and unbelievably hot (and possibly also diseased) supermodels like Sheen has, how can your sexual tastes not lean to the more eclectic. And by eclectic, I’m talking about the kind of stuff that would make the average Japanese businessman by day/bukakke fan by night get a bit squeamish. I don’t know specifically, as my imagination will only let me go so far before I fear that my penis will no longer function properly. Maybe something involving midget clowns, vomit, a three legged gazelle, and Brownie Scouts troop #324.

I was hoping to learn something from Sheen today, now I’m disappointed. I’ll never watch Men At Work with the same enthusiasm again.