Author: Sharkey

Even though it’s been receiving lots of oohs and aahs, I still think that these new Sentinel designs for X3 are pretty lame.

Man oh man, Solo hasn’t been writing all that much lately, but he made up for it in spades today. God damn, tragedy was never so funny.

So yeah, no slices for what seems like an eternity. I feel the pain just as much as you do brothers and sisters, except that I have to experience mind-numbing verbal discourse at the hands of my clients, as opposed to staring at lovely titty pictures.

Take my current client, for example. A very highly respected and very well-known institution has asked for some web based automation software. Fine and dandy, as long as they pay me an arm and a leg. The problem is that of course, as always, a monkey has burrowed its way into the works. And not your cute, cuddly pirate ninja monkeys. Nossir. This monkey has unfortunately taken corporeal form in the body of a 400-lb. refridgerator of a woman, who’s voice is unsettlingly similar to Buffalo Bill from Silence Of The Lambs.

Now up until a few days ago, this woman and I were compatriots, fighting a war against a horrendously mismanaged system of information. I had my suspicions that these people didn’t know how the system was supposed to work, and of course I was correct. But since these folks are paying me so damned much, its in my job description to hold their hands and get this software finished. So for a solid month, I’ve been talking to this woman constantly. We’ve been exchanging ideas and questions about a system so fucking complicated that she, the expert in the situation, is often baffled by its labyrinthine nature. Take, for example, the other day when she asked me to add a field to the database to track every two years. Fine, I stated, but what was this field for? She responded that it was just a simple yes/no question as to whether or not they’d done something, and it wasn’t really worth my time worrying about what it did. Yeah, alright. Just one more mystery to clog up the process. So of course, today, we have the following conversation:

Her: “OK, so I need some clarification as to what this field does, and how it is populated.”
Me: “You uh… you mean the field that you didn’t explain the purpose of?”
Her: “I’m not sure. It’s the second from the top on this screen.”
Me: “Yeah, that’s the one. You didn’t explain to me how it worked, just how you wanted it populated.”
Her: “Well, it’s not updating when I select yes or no, so I’m imagining that it is populated by cumulative data collected from the corresponding field in the antecedent record. Now I’m wondering if you’re right, and this is a better solution than we have now.”
Me: “Uh….whatever it is that you just said, no. Actually that’s my mistake, your user doesn’t have access to change it. There you go, all fixed now. You see, it’s changed right here, on this screen.”
Her: “Well you see, I think that you’re right in this instance. It would have to be populated in the prior recordset because we wouldn’t have the information as to how this is populated without information regarding the credentials and data from the previous 2-year timeframe.”
Me: *rubs temples* “Great. But that’s not what I did. This is just a yes/no field. You hit yes or no. It fills a little bubble. Simple. If you want it to do something else, we can go ahead and do that.”
Her: “Well why would you do that? Don’t you think that the data will more benefit from populating pending information from the previous record?”
Me: “Look, I already told you. I have no idea what this thing is for, so I have no opinion on how it would be best used. For all I know it tracks whether or not a leprechaun came into your office and stole the nickels out of your change purse on the day you filled this form out, it’s that much of a mystery to me. So why don’t we sit down, discuss what it’s for, and then we can figure out how to populate it?”
Her: “I don’t think you’re understanding me. You see…”

I cut the conversation off at the point where she went right back to the beginning. It took a half hour before she finally spilled the beans about why the fucking thing exists. What really sucked was that she was absolutely correct, it just took an hour of convincing her that I wasn’t arguing a counterpoint. In fact, by the 15th minute or so, I wasn’t even talking anymore. It was more of a quiet whimpering while she droned on.

Pretty much every day has been like this. She’ll add something, forget why she added it, and then question me as to why I put it there. And then, after all this bullshit, she decides that I’ve been taking too much time getting this system together. After constant (CONSTANT) bombardment with revisions, new data to import, new features to add, and the obvious spelling checks, this bitch has the gall to say that I’m taking too much fucking time. I tried explaining to her that if you give me a ten-hour long request on Tuesday and ask why it wasn’t finished last Monday, you’re not going to get the best results, but what can you do. Customers are customers, no matter how much they pay you.

Anyway, so take that project, make two of them, and you have my current reason for not posting any slices. I’m lucky I have time to remember porn, let alone surf for it. But thankfully these projects should wrap up in the next few days, or at the very least die down a bit. So expect a barrage of makeup slices real soon.

I feel much better about being at work at 12AM now that I’ve ranted. Thanks for paying attention, if you did.

Looks like it’s time to don your fanciest ball gown there, Sally, because the Nokia N-Gage has just shipped it’s millionth unit. Yeah, no foolin’. I’ll spike the punch.

Nokia announced today that it has shipped 1 million N-Gages to retail locations around the globe. This figure represents the cumulative ship-in tally of the N-Gage and the N-Gage QD, not sales.

A Nokia spokesperson elaborated on the sales figures, telling GameSpot, “This is the number that we’ve sold to our distributors and retailers, It’s hard to give an exact number that are in consumers hands, but I can say that right now there is very little inventory in the sales channels and we are seeing steady reorders from our retail partners.”

Well, hot on the heels of this exciting press release is yet another feather in the cap for Nokia. It seems as if a retail location in Washington, D.C. has sold the twelfth N-Gage phone unit! Oddly enough the purchaser is none other than Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld, who had this to say about his acquisition:

“What the fuck is this thing? I walk in to ask where the Orange Julius is, and the punk behind the counter shoves this contraption in my hand! It’s got super glue on it for God’s sake, how am I supposed to get this off? Oh Jesus, it’s starting to burn! Somebody get me a bottle of aloe vera lotion, quick!”

A proud day in video gaming history. Kind of like the day they released Daikatana. Or when they dumped those copies of ET into that landfill.

[ An Excellent Way To Quit Your Crappy Job ] – This one’s been making the intarweb rounds today. Probably the single greatest thing this kid will do in his entire life, which I guess isn’t too bad.

Titties make every Monday better!

Shark,

I stumbled across this site while trying to see if some Hungarian women I saw on the ol’ Olympics were as hot as they appeared on the TV:

https://index.hu/sport/sportolono/ (a tad slow, but it is in Hungary after all)

I think this practice should be mandated by IOC for all nations.

Chris

It is all about Póth Diana. She takes the fucking gold medal in pants tightening.

Normally I don’t repost shit that’s in the pie forum, but its a Friday. Besides, all of you perverts will get to see this soon enough. This is absolutely, positively, 100% not safe for work. It is, however, glorious.

[ Psycho Girl.wmv – 16MB ]

[ Forbes: Is Sex Necessary? ]

Wow, they really got in-depth here. Virgins, pay attention, because this is the part that pertains to you…

Fans of abstinence had better be sitting down. “Saving yourself” before the big game, the big business deal, the big hoedown or the big bakeoff may indeed confer some moral benefit. But corporeally it does absolutely zip. There’s no evidence it sharpens your competitive edge. The best that modern science can say for sexual abstinence is that it’s harmless when practiced in moderation. Having regular and enthusiastic sex, by contrast, confers a host of measurable physiological advantages, be you male or female. (This assumes that you are engaging in sex without contracting a sexually transmitted disease.)

Heh, it’s funny because I went to religious school for years, and to this day I don’t know anyone who actually stuck to their guns with the whole “saving yourself for marriage” thing. I mean with guys, it’s damn near impossible, unless you’re too ugly to procure any vagina that isn’t paid for or mail-ordered from Russia. Our version of “saving ourselves” means hypocritically spouting holier-than-thou rhetoric until a willing female graces us with her naked presence. Then all moral inhibitions go out the window once natural instinct kicks in. With women its all about saving yourselves until one of us gets you drunk enough to remember that you have a warm liquid substance pumping through your veins.

Now the scientists run down a pretty list of the benefits that come from getting your swerve on. The top contenders are obviously better fitness, longer lifespan, and less depression. Some of the more surprising benefits are better teeth and a better sense of smell. I would imagine that you don’t actually have hightened olfactory system, just that you get a good whiff of the sweatyness that has just occurred. Shower, and possibly use some mouthwash, and I bet your mutant sniffing power dissipates a bit there, Wolverine.

BTW ladies, here’s an interesting footnote for you:

Women who abstain from sex run some risks. In postmenopausal women, these include vaginal atrophy. Dr. Winch has a middle-aged patient of whom he says: “She hasn’t had intercourse in three years. Just isn’t interested. The opening of her vagina is narrowing from disuse. It’s a condition that can lead to dysparenia, or pain associated with intercourse. I told her, ‘Look, you’d better buy a vibrator or you’re going to lose function there.'”

Remember that word boys, its called “dysparenia”, and it’s far more frightening than saying “baby, if we don’t it might hurt later!” Why let your little prom date wait, if its only going to cause her pain and suffering later in life? Don’t you care about her? No? Well you care about you, right? If so, you might want to take this into account:

The penis, says Eid, is wonderfully resilient. But everything has its limits. Penile tissues, if given too roistering or prolonged a pummeling, can sustain damage. In cases you’d just as soon not hear about, permanent damage.

“I see it in pro football players,” says Eid. “They use Viagra because they’re so sexually active. What they demand of their body is unreasonable. It’s part of playing football: you play through the pain.” This type of guy doesn’t listen to his body. He takes a shot of cortisone, and keeps on going. And they have sex in similar fashion.”

Hear that fellas? Pre-workout stretching and warmup is key in all professional sports and activities. So do yourself a favor, have a pregame sports drink of your choice, have yourself a light pregame workout, and select a proper glove. Because remember brother, it’s your health.

I’m sure that you’ll forward me a lot of weird crap today, but this dude takes the fucking cake, and it’s only 10 AM. Dig:

A German who had his lower jaw cut out because of cancer has enjoyed his first meal in nine years — a bratwurst sandwich — after surgeons grew a new jaw bone in his back muscle and transplanted it to his mouth in what experts call an “ambitious” experiment.

According to this week’s issue of The Lancet medical journal, the German doctors used a mesh cage, a growth chemical and the patient’s own bone marrow, containing stem cells, to create a new jaw bone that fit exactly into the gap left by the cancer surgery.

They have pictures of the guy’s back, but none of his post-transplant face, which is what everyone probably wants to see, but shouldn’t.

[ Johnny Cash. Desperado. Monkey On A Horse. ]

This… this just makes me happy inside. I can’t describe that happiness, you just have to experience it for yourself. Commendable work.