Author: Sharkey

Hey, just in time for the crappy Star Wars DVDs, you can go ahead and solidify yourself as a complete and utter dork.

Then you can go ahead and castrate yourself with a blowtorch, because you won’t be needing those genitals any time soon.

Staying at the office until 12:30 in the morning sucks, but it can be worth it if you’re going to take off the next morning. What really sucks is when you don’t get to take off the next morning because the fucking client forgot to mention a very critical, albeit only five minute, change to the system.

However, all of the aforementioned suck pales in comparison to my situation. And that is coming into the office to make that minor change, only to lose all internet connectivity and suddenly becoming unable to finish said five minute job in a fucking hour. And since the deadline is today, and this thing must be tested, I must sit my ass here and wait. That, or I could try to ssh into the server and make the changes with my sidekick, which would take an eternity. Or, I guess I could go next door and drink myself retarded, which doesn’t look like a bad option at this point.

Well, I guess if I’m gonna give you half of a delicious twosome, I had better come through with the remaining 50%. So today’s slice is again from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, except this time it’s Gwyneth Paltrow, which is a bitch of a name to spell when you’re drunk. On with the boobies.

Apparently Gwyneth was paid “indie” wages for Sky Captain. I hope she was given some sort of alternative compensation, because that’s ridiculous for a flick with a $70 million budget. You put her tits in a movie and its going to net at least another few million, so there’s gotta be some bullshit involved with that story.

And since I’m too buzzed to bother with anything else, you can kiss my ass goodnight.

It was such a pleasant Thursday, right up until Evil Homer sent me a link about some kids sexually assaulting a 76-year-old disabled woman. Now it’s just a disturbing Thursday. A gross Thursday. *shudders*

The woman, who lived alone, told police she was taking a sponge bath in the kitchen Friday when the 11-year-old walked in, demanded money and then ordered her to take off her clothes and go into the bedroom, according to court papers.

The boy’s brother, a 13-year-old who was among the three other boys also charged, said he heard the woman say: “I’m just an old, half-crippled lady, I’m not going.”

The woman said the 11-year-old put on a condom and tried to rape her, followed by a second boy.

God damn, that is some messed up shit. I mean, when you’re an 80-year-old woman, you’re probably thinking that things like rape are off the menu in your life. Your worries now consist of living, meds, and when Columbo is on. You certainly don’t imagine that a fucking 11-year-old is going to break in and push you around, let alone try to rape you. That’s not something the elderly should have to worry about, even in a horrific society. Their primary woes should be falling down and missing shuffleboard.

And these kids. Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe, these kids. I can understand desperation (try jerking off, kiddo), and I can understand the drive towards mischief. But for cryin’ out loud, you’re only 11! If you think you’ve got blue balls now junior, just wait until you’re a little older, or worse, married. God only knows what the little bastard would be capable of by then.

I sincerely hope that this is just some senility-induced delusion on the part of the old woman. I normally hope that all rape is false, because its revolting, but in this case we’ve gone far beyond the point of revulsion. I mean when I was 11, and we went to Tower Records and saw the “Over 50” skin mags, I was disgusted. And this old woman was nearly 80, I don’t think they make magazines like that, nor would I want to know if they did.

I’m sorry to ramble, but this story has more digusting factors than I’ve seen in months. You’ve got rape, underaged kids, and an extremely old wrinkly woman… all you need now is a Japanese spin on it and I might actually vomit. Which, oddly enough, is a Japanese spin in and of itself.

Just because she’s hot, fucked up in the head, and has a new movie out that I probably won’t see, Angelina Jolie is the slice of the day. And watch out if you’re at work, because that gallery could get you in a little bit of trouble.

So I guess Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow is currently tops at the box office, but it still did somewhat poorly over the opening weekend. I can’t say that I’m surprised. I don’t want to see it, I already own Crimson Skies for the Xbox, so what more do I need?

I guess an R-rating and a lesbian scene between Angelina and Gwyneth, but that would be too obvious. ….and hot.

You know, it really shouldn’t take four of those Goddamned things to get me to sleep. I feel like I should be in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. I’m sluggish, infected with a virus that makes me secrete drippy crap out of my nose and mouth, and I thirst for the flesh of the living. I don’t have Milla Jovovich (wierd stack-of-pennies nipples and all) wandering around naked, but then again, I also don’t have the cute-and-cuddly bastardized version of Nemesis coming after me either, so it’s a give and take.

Speaking of secreting fluids, btw… God, that’s a terrible way to start a paragraph. Or any conversation, for that matter. Anyway, I’m at the bank yesterday getting ready to cash a few checks, and the new girl behind the counter is totally hot. She looks up at me, realizes that I’m waiting, says “Oh! Hold on just a second!” and starts to rapidly finish putting paper in her printer. Unfortunately for me, the haggish old manager lady got to me first. During the transaction, the cutie kept looking over at me and flashing a nice smile. We flirted back and forth a bit, she apologized for making me wait (which I didn’t mind, I was staring at her body) and I teased her about her capacity for customer service. More smiles, more eye contact, I’m already feeling better. It had been a bitch of a day, so a little casual flirting is always a good pick-me-up.

So the transaction is done, the manager hag says goodbye, and the new girl looks up, smiles wide and says “Bye! Good to see you!” and I return the sentiment. I’m walking along feeling alright, and I suddenly remember that I was going to the store to pick up some sinus medication for these fucking allergies. That’s when I stop myself, think hard for a moment, and reach up to my right nostril.

Yep. Nice trail oozing out. Can’t be certain if that’s what caused all the smiling and niceness, but I wouldn’t doubt it as a possibility. What’s sad is that I never share any stories with you guys about successful romps with women, just the more humbling times. Probably because you guys thrive on the pain and misery of others. I guess that’s why we get along so well, my internet lovers. We share a passion.

Heard a rumor the other day that Nintendo’s announced control scheme for Metroid Prime on the DS system (you know, with the idiotic point-and-shoot system with the pen?) was being re-tooled so that it would be an option, rather than a requirement. Thank God, it seems that it’s not just a rumor. In fact, the newer, non retarded version will come bundled (just as a demo) with the handheld when it is released on November 21st (thanks Nytrax) for $149.99. I’d wager that it’s because of all the bad press that the game has received, Nintendo just wants a chance to say “See, we can listen!” Sure you can. Now get rid of that second screen bullshit and faithfully restore Goldeneye and Perfect Dark, pricks.

As for further details on the software launch lineup, Fils-Aime revealed this morning that Nintendo will show off the launch lineup to “key media and analysts” at the Gamers’ Summit in Seattle in the first week of October. Nintendo was tight-lipped on the subject this morning, stating only that a total of 120 games, from both Nintendo and third parties, are currently in development. Also, as stated in the press release last night, PictoChat, the DS’ own drawing-and-text-based chat utility, will be embedded in the DS hardware so all DS users will be able to chat wirelessly with each other–right out of the box.

Nintendo will reveal software pricing at a later date, but did state for now that the business model for DS software is “more attractive” to third parties than the GBA, which suggests a lower price point. Also suggesting a lower price point for DS media is the fact that a demo cartridge is packed in with the hardware. DS media was again confirmed to be 1GB in size.

Wow, 1 Gig, thats not so bad. I figured it’d be way less than the PSP’s 1.8 (when dual-layer is used, I would imagine) but with a Gig of space, you could come up with some pretty slick shit. Or some really terrible shit, I guess we’ll have to wait and see what Nintendo feels like squeezing out of its anus.

Oh, and the new PSTwo from Sony is kind of stupid. While I didn’t buy one, the PSOne was at least a novel concept. And it had the innovation of the LCD screen. This is just a little, hard-drive crippled PS2. Have all the game companies gone retarded, or is it my tastes?

Alright, alright. Britney Spears has gone and gotten herself hitched yet again. God only knows how long this one will last, but I would imagine that Vegas has at least a few places to put a wager on it. And to honor Unidor’s choice to allow this tragedy, I submit to you a new Britney Spears gallery, with some recent photos.

Now, on the brighter side, it seems that Cameron Diaz (yeah, no pics because she’s lawsuit happy) has decided to split up with her longtime boyfriend (and Britney’s ex) Justin Timberlake. So you know, you win some, you lose some.

Any day with Unidor is a good day.

Just to stave off the submissions of Macaulay Culkin getting arrested for marijuana charges, I’ve decided that I will wrap up the whole thing with just an image. That way we can move on and have a nice, productive Monday.

Thanks to chabaz for being first to submit it to me.

[ EatingVideos.com ] – the new fetish, which probably isn’t new at all. But it is gross. No nudity, so it’s safe for work. But not particularly safe for your poor eyes.