Author: Sharkey

Well, since I’m sitting up waiting to see if a CRON for a customer runs correctly, I may as well bring you some news. The most important piece, of course, deals with murder. To be more specific, our need to murder Mike Nichols, the director of Natalie Portman’s new flick Closer. Allow me to explain why this man is marked for destruction:

FROM IMDB.com
Actress Natalie Portman ordered director Mike Nichols to remove her full frontal nude scenes from her latest movie Closer – despite playing a stripper in the film. Nichols is very protective of the 23-year-old beauty and agreed the topless footage was acceptable, but decided raunchy shots of her fully nude were gratuitous and should be deleted from the drama. Portman explains, “He wants to see my bare ass much less than (even) my father would. He’s as or more protective of me than my parents are. So doing sexual, physical stuff for him felt very uncomfortable.”

…dead. Fucking dead.

As a director, it is your job to make your stars feel comfortable in a situation like that. And it is especially your job when it’s going to ensure that America gets to see Natalie’s thicket of carnal knowledge up on the big screen. Now I have to take time to have this Nichols asshole rolled up in a carpet and thrown off a fucking bridge, so that at least the DVD release will be untainted by idiocy.

Oh, and a quickie from farther down on the IMDB news page, this one’s pretty funny:

National Lampoon’s Van Wilder actress Tara Reid is fed-up with her reputation for being a “retard” and cites friend Paris Hilton as her role model for overcoming her party girl image. The American Pie star, 28, is keen to outgrow her controversial persona and be taken more seriously in Hollywood. Reid says, “I am known as this retard. I want to grow up. I don’t want to be the drunk girl. It hurts my feelings when stuff is written about me. Paris seems to move on from situations all the time, why can’t I?”

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Oh man, any time you cite Paris Hilton as your role model, it should involve one of two things: spending daddy’s money, or setting the new standard as the archetype for “vapid.” You certainly don’t want to take her advice on mouthifying a wang, or making a sex tape, because frankly, we all know that she sucks at both.

Just so you know Tara, just because it doesn’t hurt her feelings, doesn’t make Paris any less of a retard. The same goes for you. Now hop on that sex tape bandwagon, please, before you sag in any other places.

A little late today, but you’ll have to forgive me, I was busy. …I had uh… errands to run. Los Santos isn’t going to clean itself up, now is it?

Anyway, sweet little UK vixen Jennifer Ellison is going to be in a remake of Phantom Of The Opera, which just wrapped up filming. She was also just voted “Sexiest Blonde in the World” by some UK magazine, which isn’t too far off. Because, friends… damn.

You’ll notice that I popped music into the little preview box up there, because Jester is not getting nearly enough credit for all the goodness he brings to that section. Credit him, damn you, or I’ll start slipping you unwitting bastards more slices like Harisu.

Man alive, so many movies that I’m just not going to see, containing slices that thankfully, we have right over at SOTD. Glorious, no? So instead of seeing Bridget Jones and the Edge of Reason (sorry to the taken fellas), try a slice of Renee Zellweger.

I figure this is better than staring at Renee with the extra 20 lbs or so that she had to tack on for this flick.

And I swear, those extra slices will be coming tomorrow. It’s been a busy weekend. Busy with food poisoning and shitty golf swings, so far. KFC chicken has never failed me before, but goddamn did that box of popcorn chicken fuck me up yesterday. You know it’s bad when gastrointestinal woes will keep me from drinking plans. Usually its those drinking plans that cause the problems in the first place. At least, they will tonight.

[ Some Chick Makes A Mario Quilt ] – This would have gone really well in my Transformers bed tent when I was a kid.

… or now.

True, Jennifer Tilly may be getting older, but she’s still a fan of dressing up in slutty outfits and showing off her boobs. And dammit, she still looks pretty good doing it. So since none of us will be seeing Seed of Chucky this weekend (because you’re all going to see the fucking Incredibles, or so help me you’ll wind up in a drainage culvert wondering why you can smell your intestines) lil’ miss Jennifer is your slice of the day.

Note: Britney Spears does not appear in this post.

Too bad he didn’t catch God on a crabby day, because then the story would be twice as hilarious. Still, it’s funny to see a guy get bit by a lion because of his religious zealotry.

…Is zealotry a word?

A man leaped into a lion’s den at the Taipei Zoo on Wednesday to try to convert the king of beasts to Christianity, but was bitten in the leg for his efforts.

“Jesus will save you!” the 46-year-old man shouted at two African lions lounging under a tree a few meters away.

“Come bite me!” he said with both hands raised, television footage showed.

One of the lions, a large male with a shaggy mane, bit the man in his right leg before zoo workers drove it off with water hoses and tranquilizer guns.

Why did Jesus want the lion saved in the first place? I thought beasts didn’t make it through the pearly gates? I’m going to have to bust out the Bible on this one.

[ Doom 3 For Mac – February 28th ] – That’s so adorable. You poor Mac’ies are catching up! That’s only a 7 month difference between you and the PC! Next thing you know, you’ll have Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas on your little Grape flavored workhorse. And you’ll be a grandparent by that point, kudos to you!

Remember Claire Danes? The chick from that “So Called Life” show, and most recently Terminator 3. I guess she’s going to be in this movie, It’s All About Love, which none of us should be forced to see. But we can still ogle her, because thats what we do around here. We ogle, and skip out of romantic comedies. Probably because most of us are fat dorks sitting in our momma’s basement on a Friday night drinking Yoo-Hoo. And by us, I’m really talking about you. You sweet lovable scamps.

EvilPoda dropped off a few awesome new slices for you guys, and I was hoping that the SOTD image processor would be back up and running so I could debut them there, but I may as well give ’em to you now. You’ve been so deprived, you poor bastards. Besides, it’s almost Thanksgiving. Time for the bounty.

[ Star Wars Episode III Trailer ] (stolen from the forum)

Man, they didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

I think they could have left Palps/Sidious out of that trailer, but I guess they’ve still got some surprises up their sleeve. Some really shitty surprises, going by Lucas’ track record, but surprises nonetheless. I’ll definitely have to see this trailer in the theater, since the CGI looks cartoony on the PC. The trailer is attached to The Incredibles, right? I meant to put a review of that flick up a couple of weeks ago, because it was amazing. I can’t wait to see it again.

I guess I was playing video games for too long, because I played right through Wednesday. Still, San Andreas + THUG 2 = fuck real life.