Author: Sharkey

Sweet Jesus in a birch bark canoe, is the Rare team bringing Goldeneye and Perfect Dark to Xbox Live Arcade?

Talking with very reliable sources, and seeing evidence ourselves, Xbox Evolved believes that Microsoft, Rareware, MGM Studios (studio that makes the James Bond 007 movies) and Activision (holds the license for James Bond 007 titles right now) have come to an agreement to bring the Rareware developed Goldeneye 007 out to Xbox Live Arcade shortly before the new game developed by Activision is released.

The title will feature updated graphics, and of course an all-new Xbox Live multiplayer. Not only that, but we have found evidence that Rareware is planning on releasing even more of their back catalog onto Xbox Live Arcade, specifically, Perfect Dark and the original Banjo-Kazooie. Expect more on at least Goldeneye 007 later this year.

I don’t think my wang is going to soften all day. It’s just going to sit there like a bad Viagra statistic, thinking about sweet online multiplayer, Perfect Dark bots and that kickass heat-sensor gun that lets you shoot through walls. God how I’ve missed square-faced multiplayer excellence, and I pray that the Rare team does an excellent (and swift) job of bringing it to XBLA.

I’m told that Microsoft’s Xbox Live service has been particular shitty since Christmas. I wouldn’t know, since my 360 decided to rip my heart out and shit a red ring of death all over it, but once it comes back from it’s magical journey to Redmond I’ll be sure to enjoy Microsoft’s apology for the sluggish service that I didn’t experience. Apparently they’re going to give us all a free XBLA game, to be announced at a later date.

At the same time we would like to offer a token of our appreciation to all of you in celebration of record success for the service. And as a thank you for your loyalty during this holiday period, we will be offering all of our Xbox LIVE members around the world access to a full Xbox LIVE Arcade game that will be available to download free of charge. In the coming weeks we will be sharing the specific details of this offer with you.

I still have at least a week before the Xbox comes back, so I’ll definitely be enjoying the newly released demo of the Starcraft DS homebrew. True, the French did make it, but the French published the original too so it sort of cancels out. Here’s a direct link to the ROM, ready to be loaded up into the Flashcart of your choosing.

And finally, for the Portal enthusiast in all of us, Valve has released some new shirts and hoodies that are downright sexy. Maybe once they sell a few bajillion of these they can get back to making some more fucking Weighted Companion Cube toys.

Well, the return box for my bricked 360 hasn’t arrived yet, which led to a fun 1-hour phone call to India Microsoft tech support. That means that I have even more time to snuggle up to my Wii while my cousin catches up on achievement points. Though I’ve got one up on him, in that I’m not getting married any decade soon, whereas he’ll be tying the noose knot in a couple of months. Then her “nice” mask is going to come off and he’ll effectively be dead to the gaming world, so I win by glorious default. Not that I needed it, but hey, I’ll take it.

• Watch This. – The trivia bit is fantastic.
• Weighted Weighted Companion Cubes – Fuck the plushies, I want one of these. If it were really my companion, it’d want to hurt people in the eyeballs with its dull edges.

  …and I want a plushie too, so hurry up and restock, Valve.

• It’s Virtual Console Monday for the Wii, so that means some new shit on which to spend your virtual dollars. This week brings us Top Hunter, Light Crusader, and a little-known title called Bubble Bobble. Spend and acquire, fellow consumer whores.

I was going to complain about still being at work on New Years Eve, but the bossman just poked his head in and told me to get the fuck out… in a good way.

Since I’ve loaned my Wii to my nephew while he’s in town visiting, and my 360 is still waiting for that Goddamned box from Microsoft that is arriving via a sled driven by a pack of snails along a salt covered highway, I’m a little more starved for gaming news than usual. Here are a few headlines that make my pants tingle in that Heather Graham in License To Drive sort of way.

• Metal Slug 3 On XBLA This Wednesday – Finally. I don’t understand why SEGA, SNK, Namco, and some of the other arcade greats aren’t spending more of their time converting more late 90’s arcade hits to the Live Arcade format. At least we’ll have Metal Slug now, and in glorious 720p hi-def glory. Nothing about online multiplayer or co-op though, but it’ll be awesome to actually finish a Metal Slug title without bringing a roll of quarters. You know… once I get my fucking 360 back.
• Super Smash Brothers Goes Gold? – My nephew has a weird Sonic the Hedgehog fetish, so this game has him crapping his underoos in anticipation. The release date for the next “it prints money” title for Nintendo has been leaping around forever, so it’s nice to know that they might actually release it sometime around the early February US release date. I think there will be some therapeutic value to stripping Samus of her Metroid armor and slapping her around with impunity.
• Lego Portal – Not much else I can say, other than awesome.
• Atari Is In Trouble – Maybe they should just start reporting when Atari isn’t in trouble to save us all some time.

By the way, for anyone who was excited for NiGHTS on the Wii… don’t bother. Sometimes cult classics should just be left the Hell alone.

I don’t really try to hide my incredible reserves of nerd lust from anyone. In fact, usually when I meet a woman that I’d like to let ruin my life for a year or two (girlfriend, in laymens terms) I try to wear whatever geek apparel I can piece together from my wardrobe, just to prepare them for whatever they’re going to nag me about in the future. That being said, I think I’m going to annoy my current gf with some of these Zelda: Phantom Hourglass Gashapon figures. For those of you who aren’t up on all things otaku, here’s a short breakdown from the Gashapon entry over at Wikipedia:

Gashapon (ガシャポン, Gashapon?) or gachapon (ガチャポン, gachapon?), also referred to as “capsule toy”, is a Japanese onomatopoeia, made up of two sounds: “gacha” for the turning of a crank on a toy vending machine, and “pon” for the sound of the toy capsule dropping into the receptacle. It is used to describe both the machines themselves, and any toy obtained from them.

Gashapon machines are similar to the coin-operated toy vending machines seen outside of grocery stores and other retailers in other countries. While American coin-operated vending toys are usually cheap, low-quality products, sold for a quarter or 50 cents, Japanese Gashapon can cost anywhere from 100 – 500 yen (Equal to $1–$5 US) and are normally a much higher quality product.

And for anyone with a tenuous grip on the English language, here’s the definition of onomatopoeia.

Back on subject, the only reason that these cute little bastards are going to annoy my object of affection is due to the sheer volume that I’m going to have to order, considering the randomness of delivery, quantity of available figures, and excellently low price. On the plus side, I know a lot of people who like Zelda for whom I purchased jack and shit for Christmas, so I’ll be able to pick through whatever I’d like and then pass along the 8 duplicate Linebeck figures.