Author: Sharkey

Here’s a little science from crookedg, which I will now drop upon thee:

From: crookedg

hey sharkey-

sorry to hear about your phone sales woes…i’m one of the countless survivors who formerly made a living selling shit to people over the phone. i can’t speak for every calling center, but i’ll give you a general overview of what your request to not be called again amounted to. basically it’s a double-fucked situation; first of all because the person trying to sell you the shit already hates you as soon as they see your name and information come up again on their computer screen. see, you would be suprised how small the pool is that these sorry slobs are fishing out of…and it takes remarkebly little effort for one to realize that the mr. sharkey who just cussed them out 2 hours ago is magically (and beyond their control..-ly) on the other end of their line again. it only takes a few trys before they automatically associate your name with the verbal abuse they previously had to endure, and despite their kind (scripted) language and seemingly sympathetic attention to your dilemma, you are now forever marked. kindness is the only weapon of the telemarketer, and they will use it savagely against you. pay close attention and you will hear the hint of satisfaction as they again apologize and promise to do all they can to make sure you aren’t bothered again.

now on to the second part of the aforementioned double-fuck: the computerized call dispositioning system. basically, after a telemarketer completes a call, they have to hit a certain number or letter on their computer that logs what happend with the call…for instance, “1” for a sale, “2” for a no sale, “3” if the person who answered was unauthorized to make a decision, etc. there is also a little box where you can add notes, for example, “spoke little english, hard to understand,” or “works late hours, do not call after 2 p.m.,” etc. where i worked, there was indeed an option to choose when people asked not to be called again, but about 2 hours after dispostioning a call with that option, it became sadly obvious that that particular code didn’t really do shit. as it turns out, first of all, it usually takes a few days just for the information to register. then when it does register, some magical computer process decides whether or not to actually take the number out of the database. opinions vary wildly about just what this mysterious computer process is…my personal belief is that no numbers are ever taken out, and calls marked as sales are only taken out after some kind of successful monetary transaction has been made.

so, that’s basically the thing of it. you’re dealing with miserable people who hate their jobs, who couldn’t really help you anyway, even if they really wanted to. my advice is, next time they call, ask right away to speak to a supervisor. if they ask why, which they probably won’t (any time a supervisor is on their line is time that they aren’t making calls, and appreciated), don’t give them a reason, just insist on speaking to a supervisor. usually, the supervisors aren’t scripted and able to talk a little more freely. explain the situation to them, being as polite as possible, and ask to be removed from the calling database. the supervisor will then assure you that the problem will be taken care of, at which point he or she will most likely disposition the call as a “do not call” call, which, as you now know, doesn’t do shit.

there were rumors about some kind of federal do not call list, where you have to pay a certain amount of money to be put on some list that makes you invisible to telemarketers, but i don’t really know anything about that. just keep checkin the caller ID man, if it’s an 800 number or private or blocked or something, don’t answer. take it from someone on the inside, it’s really the only tried and true method to avoide phone sales. however, if you still feel the need to have any fun at their expense, try to do it in a non-verbally abusive manner. for instance, i once had one guy on the phone for over an hour because he promised he would buy the service if i could name the wwf wrestler whose theme music he was playing over the phone. i knew he wouldn’t buy it, but it got me some semi-legit time off the phone and i’m pretty sure he got some kind of mild amusement out of it.

The WWF wrassler thing had me laughing. I think I’ll tell the next SBC rep who calls that I will purchase a new rate plan, if they can tell me whether I am actually taking a shit, or if I’m just faking.

Thanks for the info crookedg, I feel a little less guilt regarding my constant tormenting of these pricks. Of course, since I felt no guilt before, I now have negative guilt, which I beleive to be spite. And spite, as we all know, is what makes the world go ’round.

[ Border Inspectors Find Girl Sealed In Piñata ] – You really just can’t make up shit this good.

Makes you wonder if she was going to be the prize at someone’s fiesta de cumpleaños.

[ Somebody Kill This Man. Please ]

He seems to beleive that bloggers should be Time’s “Persons of the Year” for 2004. While we’re at it, why not nominate Paris Hilton, since she was in the news a lot more than a bunch of self-obsessed punks who think that just because they grab news from Reuters and use it to promote their own personal agenda, they’ve made some sort of mark on the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I realize that I do similar shit here, but I don’t make it out to be more than the sum of its parts. I grab news from the web, I write commentary about it, and I post pictures of chicks with big tits. It’s entertainment, not fucking rocket science. Just because “blogging culture” was on CBS news that one time doesn’t mean you’re important. They do stories about fucking Carrot Top folks, get over yourselves.

Dammit. Why don’t the chicks at the McDonald’s around here look like this? (thanks Evil Homer)

All of the chicks who man the counters around here are messican. And not the hot messicans that I love so much, these are the fat, or pregnant, or fat and pregnant beasts with penciled-on eyebrows. And it seems that whenever they crap out another Catholic onto the streets, they’re knocked up again.

And no, I’m not driving to fucking Kentucky to see hot blondes manning the counters. I won’t even drive three blocks to eat breakfast sandwiches there.

** UPDATE ** If you’re looking for the pictures, they might be in a certain forum dedicated to pie that you might want to check.

[ RoboDump ] – definitely worth your click.

Ever since I got caller ID on my phone at home, I’ve had a remarkably fun time ignoring unwanted phone calls. Ex girlfriends, sales people, Tara Reid’s ugly nipple, you name it. But there has been one phone number in the log that stands out among the rest. This single 1-800 number has called me at least 80 times over the last month and a half. I say “at least”, because it doesn’t record their number twice in a row. It waits until another call comes in before entering them into the log again.

So about two weeks ago, I sat playing GTA, and the phone rings. It’s the mystery 800 number of persistence. I run over a few pedestrians and decide that I cannot continue wondering who this ever vigilant phantom caller could be. So I pick up the phone.

Sharkey: “Hello?”
Caller: *long pause* “Hi sir. This is Todd with SBC Phone Service. I was calling you today to offer you a gr…”
Sharkey: *inturrupting* “You have got to be kidding me. You’re the bastards who have been calling me at 9 o’clock at night, 6 o’clock in the morning, hundreds of times over the course of a month?”
Caller: “Uh… I’m not sure sir, but I should tell you that we’re running a special on…”
Sharkey: “OK, OK look. I’ve got a special offer for you. Listening? Here’s the deal: you put me on whatever “do-not-call” list you folks have over there, and I’ll refrain from coming down there and stabbing random SBC employees in the eye with a spork. Sound good?”
Caller: “I’ll go ahead and put you down as ‘Not Interested’ sir.”
Sharkey: “Splendid. Have a nice day.”
*CLICK*

Now you would think “Not Interested” meant “Do Not Fucking Call 5 Times A Day Anymore”, but apparently SBC employees are illiterate, or uncaring bastards. I’m guessing a little mixture of columns A and B. Since that day, I have spoken with SBC reps no less than 8 times, which doesn’t even count the amount of times that I haven’t been at home to answer. And considering the fact that I’m never at home, I would imagine that amount to be rather large.

So after numerous calls where I asked reps to stuff paper in their asses, or calmy mimed the sales pitch along with them from memory, I finally thought that the last woman had heard my pleas. She stated that she would do whatever was in her power to get me off the call list, so that I could once again live a life of peace. She was nice. …for a lying fucking whore.

This morning’s call:

Sharkey: “Hi. This is SBC again, isn’t it?”
Caller: *long pause* “Hello…. um, yes it is. This is Sally and I’m calling to offer you…”
Sharkey: *inturrupting* “Man, am I glad you called. I hadn’t heard from you bastards in a day or two, I was starting to get worried.”
Caller: “… well sir, I should tell you that we’re offering…”
Sharkey: “You know what Sally, I’m on my way out the door right now, so I don’t have time to talk. But why don’t you lie and pretend that you’re going to put me on the ‘Not Interested’ list, and I’ll talk to one of you fuckers in about three hours, OK? Hope the kids are alright, have a nice day.”
*CLICK*

I’m thinking of keeping a log book next to my desk, and I’m going to try keeping demographic information about my new friends. You know, name, age, location, kids, social security numbers. Whatever they’ll tell me. I’m going to see how long it takes before I get a duplicate caller. And on that day I will rattle off the names of thier children and why the federal witness relocation program is such a boon to telemarketers in these exceptional times.

[ Lindsay Lohan Breaks Up With Wilmer Valderrama ] (thanks malfunction from the forum)

I don’t really need to quote the story, as the breakup was inevitable (she’s Lindsay Lohan and his name is Wilmer. Do the math.) and pretty much standard fare. But this tidbit amused me:

Lohan, who also starred in “Freaky Friday,” was hospitalized in Los Angeles in late October for a high fever and headaches. She became ill while filming the movie “Herbie: Fully Loaded.”

Perhaps she realized that she was in another fucking Herbie movie, and vomited up what little was left of the soul she sold to Satan. And by Satan, I mean the Disney Corporation, who I still love no matter how many cease-and-desists they send me.

Oh… good lord.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

I can wager that her management staff (who probably already threw up over the wedding shit) are filling their trousers after this one.

Its awesome watching a girl demolish what’s left of her career over a relationship that most folks are giving a maximum of 18 months to survive. Does anybody know if she got a prenup?

Thanks to werfyman and tdo from the forums, I was able to pop up the new Playboy shots of Denise Richards. Personally, I would have preferred her to do these about 7 years ago, but beggards can’t be choosers.

Likey! And don’t forget about the SOTD Denise Richards gallery. It’s chock full of Denise goodness from a time where she wasn’t getting porked by Charlie “Who Haven’t I Banged” Sheen.

[ Suddenly, Heathrow Gets A Huge Surge In Job Applicants ]

A new X-ray machine at London’s Heathrow airport, which sees through passengers’ clothes, has been attacked by civil liberties campaigners as a “voyeur’s charter.”

The machine uses low-level radiation to see through clothing, producing an anatomically detailed black and white image of the body underneath.

Capable of detecting solid objects concealed under clothing, it started a four month trial in October.

Ahhh… and now the terrorism “scam” comes full circle. It was all just a farce to see up women’s skirts.