Author: Sharkey

Who likes Kristanna Loken? Who wants to see her naked in Bloodrayne?

All right, that’s quite a show of hands. Now, how many of you actually want to see Bloodrayne?

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It’s lonely in here.

It’s official. Brad Pitt put his hoo-hoo in Angelina Jolie’s cha-cha. Now it seems that she’s pregnant, which will probably signal the end of her dynamite figure and her status as the #1 object of lust on the face of the planet.

No word yet on whether or not Jennifer Aniston has filled that cyanide prescription yet, but we’ll keep you posted.

People’s Choice Awards Results: Blarrrrgh

But it was “Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith” that took home the night’s biggest awards on Tuesday. The final chapter in George Lucas’ series was named Favorite Movie and Favorite Movie Drama at the awards show.

His six-part space epic has rarely been on critic’s lists, despite raking in billions, so for Lucas the wins were sweet revenge. “I’m not a big favorite with the critics, but who listens to them?” Lucas said while accepting the award for Favorite Movie from Harrison Ford, according to Reuters. “The reason I make films is for you. The audience rules.”

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Dear people: Fuck you.

That is all.

Holy shit, why didn’t someone tell me that Brittany Daniel had finally done a nude scene? Seems that she did a flick called Rampage: The Hillside Strangler Murders, in which she does some… excellent things.

Excellent… excellent things.

Famicom Band – Punch Out!!

When they did the old running sequence, I fucking lost it. You’d probably do well to check out their other stuff as well.

Brooke Burns… always sounded like a warning, more than a proper name. Still, she’s hot enough for Bruce Willis to have fucked, so you know she’s good enough for a ride around the park. Plus, she probably tastes like whiskey and a used ashtray. I don’t know why, that’s just the scent I imagine Bruce Willis leaves behind on all women.

…anybody get a whiff of Lindsay Lohan recently?

Hey, according to IMDB, she’s been in the hospital since November after snapping her neck in a pool accident. Guess… guess her Baywatch days didn’t give her much of a safety lesson around the water.

Create an e-nnoyance, go to jail

This is quite possibly the most ridiculous piece of legislation I’ve ever seen.

Oh me oh my, looks like innocent little Ashlee Simpson is having her name dragged through the mud with a possible sex tape. Not like her name is anything worth keeping clean, since she’s about as wholesome as my last meal at In-N-Out. And just to clue you in, I wasn’t wearing pants, and I was dining with a couple of hookers of questionable gender.

Now I’m going to go ahead and call bullshit on this supposed sex tape, as the girl looks nothing like Ashlee, and it just seems too convenient. First of all, her overbearing father wouldn’t let her anywhere near a guy who could properly operate his penis, let alone camera equipment. Secondly, I can’t imagine this snobby little bitch putting a penis in her mouth without an insurmountable amount of headache, let alone getting her to do it on camera. Those two feats of impossibility would result in a migraine so powerful that maintaining an erection during fellatio would undoubtedly lead to a lethal aneurysm.

Still, if I had my choice of what to do with lil’ Ashlee, letting her mouthify my business would be on the top of the list. Reason being? She wouldn’t be able to fucking talk. Her voice is like nails on the chalkboard of my soul.

Clerks 2 Trailer

At least the guy is going back to his meat & potatoes, rather than bombarding us with another Jersey Girl.

Still, he spun around pretty quickly from that whole “no more Askewniverse flicks” clause, didn’t he? Somebody want to find me an article where he stated that, I just want to post it for posterity.