Author: Sharkey

Carmen Electra just did a spread for Loaded magazine that should pique your interest. Why? I’ll give you a hint: she’s got huge boobs.

*sigh*

Boner time over, back to work.

You know I’m busy at work when I don’t have the time to take 20 minutes out of my day to post here. Jesus, I think my eyes are bleeding.

Harrison Ford fucking owns Paul Bettany

Bettany, 34, spent three days attempting to ‘beat up’ the INDIANA JONES actor in choreographed shots, but insists the 63-year-old actor is unbreakable in a fight.

“I threw that man through a window seven times and he landed on his head, got up, rebuilt the window with the crew and then got thrown through it again. I hit that man in the stomach and he said, ‘Could you just land it a bit harder so I could feel it?’ So I landed it a bit harder and he wanted a bit more so he could react to it. Finally, I just wound one up and let loose on him and he said, ‘That’s it!’

“It was the most humiliating day of my life.”

Bettany is a frail little ponce, that’s for sure. But it’s pretty cool that Ford wanted him to wail on his midsection and only responded with “That’s it!” once Bettany obliged.

This is almost as pleasing to me as the time Gene Hackman beat the crap out of those assholes on the street that one time. I love when the icons who made me starry eyed as a kid can kick a little ass in their old age. It’s going to make it far more difficult if/when they finally die though. I’m not sure Harrison Ford can actually be killed though, so I might be fretting over nothing.

Time for an open letter…

Dear fuckers who bashed in my car window last night:

I appreciate the fact that your meth-addled brain probably cannot completely utilize your analytical faculties, so it’s likely that you do not have the skills nor the available tools to properly open my car’s passenger door. So I understand your need to bash the sucker in with a railroad spike. Seriously, I get it.

I would just personally like to congratulate you on being the second idiot to attempt to steal my stereo (which I paid $250 for three years ago, perhaps you should try stealing the whole car next time?) and completely fucking fail. Not only that, I’d also like to thank you for completely overlooking the numerous items in the car which individually are worth more on the street than my meager sound system.

Also, just like last time, I really do have to smile when I see the vandalism left behind during your obvious fit of frustration upon the realization that you are, indeed, the worst car stereo theif known to man. I say this, because at least the last guy who failed at this didn’t need to break the Goddamned window.

Love,
Sharkey

I’d like to meet the fellow who did this. Not for any kind of macho bluster, mind you. I’m a big motherfucker, but I’d imagine that if he had the inclination to steal my shit, he probably carries a knife and a drug-withdwrawl-induced surly disposition. And while the two haven’t yet been formally introduced, I sincerely doubt that my ribcage and a serrated blade would get along too well.

No no, I would merely like to get a look at someone so fucking incompetent at theivery that they spend more time getting angry and vandalizing the car than they do poking around to make it a better score. For example, a simple pat-down of the expensive jacket that I carelessly left on the passenger seat would have made last night a pretty worthwhile endeavor. Well done, sport. Hopefully you were stupid enough to clutch that spike in your bare hands before you sent it through the glass. But I won’t hold my breath.

Spider-Man 3 Photos

Does Kirsten Dunst even know how to sing? This oughtta be interesting.

Offtopic: Where the Hell are all of the good movies and DVDs right now? I used to be able to make a post once a week about DVDs and games and such that were coming out, and in the last month I haven’t felt the need to buy a single DVD. What gives? I haven’t been to the theater in six months either, it’s starting to get depressing. Daddy needs his movie lust satiated, and quickly. Any suggestions?

That’s one title I thought I’d never type. Love her or hate her, Lisa Loeb is back from the throws of obscurity. I was hoping she’d stay there, personally. That song “Stay” makes me want to go on a killing spree armed with a spork and a hardbound copy of War and Peace.

Her new reality series “#1 Single” seems to be doing well. The show follows Lisa around as she attempts to meet Mr. Right so that she can settle down, shit out a few young’uns, and have a soccer-mom ass for the rest of her life. Stupid premise, but then again, aren’t they all?

Whoa whoa whoa now… hold the phone.

Lisa Loeb has one cute ass for a chick in her mid to late 30s. Look at that thing. I mean I plan to continue dating 18-24 year olds until Jesus calls me home, but this makes me consider broadening my horizons a bit.

Maybe a 28 year old. Brave new world ahead…

That would be one fucking ugly baby.

Christina Aguilera sure has a real talent for going from hot to ho-bag in 3.5 seconds. Somehow this latest batch of pics from Rolling Stone caught her in mid-gear-shift, and perfectly amalgamates her subtle beauty with her total fucking whorishness.

…and it’s got nipples, too.

Are there any dudes out there who actually prefer chicks with nipple rings? I mean the guys with piercing fetishes, I get that… but any regular dudes actually get a girl in the sack, reach under that bra, hit metal and go “jackpot!” I’ve had ’em, and while they were hot at first, you’ve eventually gotta dismiss them as a passing novelty.

…and just once, to be a dick, pull on them a bit “too” hard.

Worst. Hiccups. Ever.

A Colombian man accidentally shot his nephew to death while trying to cure his hiccups by pointing a revolver at him to scare him, police in the Caribbean port city of Barranquilla said on Tuesday.

After shooting 21-year-old university student David Galvan in the neck, his uncle, Rafael Vargas, 35, was so distraught he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide, police said.

The incident took place on Sunday night while the two were having drinks with neighbors.

Oops.

I like that it was happening in the middle of a little soiree. Nothing ruins a good tea party like bits of blood and brain in the mojitos.

I still haven’t finished watching all of Firefly, nor have I even attempted watching Serenity, but Morena Baccarin certainly offers up an attractive reason to do so.

Her character Inara is so hot on that show, I might actually forget about the fact that she’d let about 3,000 Chinese-speaking dudes shoot a load in her.