Author: Sharkey

Spidey. Black costume. Confirmed, bitches.

click for the big-ass poster

Sony says it’s real, and that makes me happy. I guess I’d rather it were a solid black, like in the comics, rather than a greyscaled version of his regular suit, but whatever. It’s fucking Venom, and that gets me all horny down south. I’m wishing upon my star of twinkly little fucking stars that Eddie Brock/Venom doesn’t show up in this flick. I know that everyone seems to think that Topher Grace is playing Eddie/Venom in the flick, but check out the cast list, ladies, because it doesn’t say who he’s playing whatsoever. The rumor mill has been buzzing that he’ll be Electro, and that Venom won’t show up until Spider-Man 4. I like that idea. I likes it a lot.

Oh, and as cool as Venom was, let’s all remember where the fuck he came from: a crossover story where a bunch of heroes flew home on the city of Denver. Yeah, whole goddamned city, no foolin’. And everybody died, but didn’t, but did, and then… didn’t. And somehow, some way, Dazzler was not completely fucking useless. Venom was our tasty treat for enduring all of that.

“Spider-Man” Robs Comic Book Shop

You have to see the video on this one. This lil’ fanboy grew himself a pretty hefty pair.

A robber wearing a Spider-Man mask was caught on surveillance video Tuesday stealing a set of rare comics from a store in Culver City, Calif. Among the issues stolen were Fantastic Four #1, X-Men #1, and the comic in which Spidey first appeared, Amazing Fantasy #15, valued at around $2,500 an issue.

The man walked into the shop around 11:30 a.m., but store employees thought nothing of a customer dressed in partial costume, reports KCBS-TV’s Suzie Suh.

“He’s wearing a Spider-Man mask, he must like super-heroes,” said Alan Gardner of Dream World Comic Books.

While browsing the store, the man took out a hammer a smashed a glass display case housing some of the store’s more expensive items. The villain grabbed several comics and fled on foot.

Maybe he shot his web fluid inside some little Mary Jane and now he’s gotta support his eggs. With great power comes great responsiblity, or so I hear.

God, I’m so sorry I typed that.

Super Monkey Poop Fight

Fuck those gorillas. Fuck em.

Oooooh boy, who’s excited about the new Milla Jovovich flick, Ultraviolet, which opens tomorrow in a theater near you?!? HUH?!!!

*crickets chirp*

Yeah! That’s what I’m talkin’ about! I am so fucked up right now, I can see through time. And do you know what I see? Poor reviews and some Milla nudity that is only necessary to keep male’s brains from having access to their full supply of blood.

You know what I love about Milla’s boobs? She’s willing to share what little she has with all of us. She’s a giver. She gives. And we should be thankful.

Awesome.

Today marks the 20th birthday of Zelda, and rather than working… or pretending to work, as I’m known to do, I think we should all take a minute and reflect on what made this series so goddamned awesome. Then we can tear it apart, because frankly, that’s what we do here.

Actually, fuck it. Let’s just post a bunch of links and tear it apart. I mean we could sit here and yap about how rad it was the first time you ripped the master sword out of the stone in the third game, but we all know this. How about we talk about the fact that for Zelda’s 20th birthday, it’s been confirmed that Twilight Princess has been delayed until the Fall? Way to go Nintendo, it’ll be here just in time to come out for a last-generation console! Plus… you get to piss me off, which is always fun.

How about the fact that the Japanese have constantly attempted to keep Link’s sexuality relatively ambiguous? There were a lot of awkward moments (scroll down a bit) in the series, that kinda make you wonder. Examples:

First you’ve got homosexually-charged shit like the first two images above in the Zelda instruction manuals, then you’ve got him pimping out bitches and old maids for health and magic power in Zelda II. Was he really into tapping those little red-dress-wearing skanks, or was he just in it for the HP? Not that there would be anything wrong with him being gay but… well yeah fuck it, it’s not ok, that’s where I draw the line. Link is the manliest fucker to ever wear a skirt, and I refuse to allow you slanty eyed karaoke jockeys to effeminize him for your own amusement. It makes it a hell of a lot harder for me to take the Wind Waker seriously if I have to wonder about whether or not the hero of time also likes to ride the man train to Hyrule.

Other than that, I’ve never really had a problem with the series. It’s damned near perfect, with the exception of that CD-i nonsense. But nobody qualifies those games, because they’re more like a sick April Fool’s day joke that somehow got out of hand. Besides, do you know anyone who owned a CD-i? You do? Well pound them to death with a fucking Power Glove®, because someone needs to put them out of their long-delayed misery. And then you should check out these links, and take a long nostalgic trip down memory lane. It’s not like you have anything better to do:

• Zeldalegends.net – check out the image gallery for scans of the old instruction manuals. Holy shit… the 80’s were amazing.
• The Official Zelda Site – cry along with me, as you check out the amazing trailers for Twilight Princess and realize that we’ll have a new fucking President before it sees the light of day.

Zelda Classic – I want to play this. I am simply too lazy to do so. Therefore, one of you should play it for me, and tell me all about how awesome it is. Bongweasel, I nominate you.

• Zelda Comics – Nintendo Power magazine was the shit, son. Too bad my mom threw them all away when I brought home a report card with an “Unsatisfactory” on my homework grades one year. I should kick her in the shin for that later.
  
  Oh, and be sure to check out the merchandise section of that site too, there’s some badass stuff in there. If I ever decide to go celibate, I’m getting those curtains.
• The REAL LOZ @ Newgrounds – The loading screen is funny enough, the rest is pretty goddamned excellent.

Submit your own in the comments, I’m sure I’m missing a whole bag of excellence.

Alright, after yesterday’s lesbian porn romp confirmation, you knew there’d be a Nicole Lenz gallery forthcoming. And let me tell you, I’d love to watch this girl and Paris fondle one another. Matter of fact, I’d watch this girl getting pleasured by Kelly Osbourne if I had to, just to satisfy my own curiousity. I’m sure my dick would malfunction for about a week afterwards, but it might be worth it.

…

I think my dick is mad at me for even suggesting such a thing. Could you excuse us?

Holy shit! Someone gave Lindsay Lohan a sandwich! I missed those cute mamms…

Man, I’d whap at those things like Rocky beating on slabs of meat. Then I’d hum “Eye of the Tiger” as I slapped her around like Apollo Creed.

[ Existence of Paris Hilton Lesbian Sex Tape Confirmed ] – At least this is better news than that Scott Stapp/Kid Rock shit.

Paris Hilton made a lesbian sex tape with a Playboy pin-up, it has been claimed. The hotel heiress allegedly made the “horniest videotape of all time” with Playboy beauty Nicole Lenz.

Lenz is quoted in Britain’s News of the World newspaper as saying: “The moment we were in the room Paris had only one thing on her mind – sex.

“We lied down on a king size bed and took it in turns to play with each other. It wasn’t long before we were naked and rolling around together.”

Lenz also claims she and Paris pleasured each other with sex toys. She added: “We just pleasured each other for hours, recording it all. Paris had brought all manner of sex toys – to make sure we didn’t miss out on anything simply because there was no man in bed with us!”

So basically, this video has something for everyone. That’s what we’re saying here. You get Nicole Lenz violating (seems like a difficult task) Paris Hilton in a $1K/night Bellagio suite. I know it’s a lot to ask, but how about some fucking proper lighting this time?

Dear Brett Ratner,

I don’t remember ever giving you any fucking authority over anything important to me, ever. Now, X-3 slipped through my fingers while I was on the john, and I let it slide in a fit of apathy. Oh well. But goddammit, you will shut your fucking piehole and keep your head down during the next year, or so help me you’ll wind up like McG. Yes, I know, McG is still rich and kinda-sorta famous, but the fucker can only hoarde that coke fund for so long.

Consider this your last warning.

Love,
Sharkey.