Author: Sharkey

Everybody’s been telling me that I have to see Crash, predicting the flick’s eventual Oscar win. Everyone says that Thandie Newton is totally hot in it. Everyone tells me to put the gun down and let the hostages go before anyone else gets hurt. Well I say fuck everyone, I live hard, and march to the beat of my own drum.

It’s pronounced Tan-dee. Tan-dee. I’ve heard if you call her Than-dee, she just stands there and gives you a sweet little crooked smile. Then, when you turn your attention elsewhere, she suddenly grabs your scrote with her bare hands and squeezes as hard as she can. And as you vomit violently, slipping into the sweet bowels of unconsciousness, the last thing you’ll hear is a sick mantra of “TAHNN-DEE! IT’S TAHHHN-DEE YOU WANKAH!” in that cute lil’ British accent. Then while you’re out cold, she steals your fucking wallet.

It’ll be so sweet the next day when you tell everyone that you got mugged by “Than-dee Newton.” Then when your friend says “I heard it was pronounced Tan-dee” you can reply with “Nope.” Who is he to argue? He didn’t have his satchel firmly clamped in the clutches of the girl, he’s just some dickhead who reads IMDB too much. Fuck him.

Barbara Streisand is an idiot.

Only funny because the phrase: “The arrogance of this C student,” is used amidst this jumbled stream of consciousness.

Not that I ever mind jumbled streams of consciousness, it’s just hard to take one seriously with that photo of Babs holding the decor-matching flowers, staring you in the mug.

Taco Ninja.

Stolen straight from Gunner in the forum. I make no apologies, because I need to eat a burrito from this place. I fuckin’ need it. Too bad I’ve never had a decent dish of Mexican food outside of a state that actually borders Mexico, so I’ll probably be horribly disappointed. Not that I care, I’m going to arrange every quesadilla I order into a shuriken from now on. And I will cherish its cheesy, violent heritage.

On a related note, I’ve also never had a decent plate of Mexican food in Mexico. You’d think those wetbacks would learn how to cook their own goddamned food.

Surfer-turned-model Marisa Miller is so Goddamned hot, she started out doing Perfect 10 Magazine and proceeded to dominate from there. Domination, btw, is one thing I’d like to experience with her. I don’t care who’s the top or who’s the bottom, as long as her top and bottoms aren’t invited along.

HA! Pun funny! Because… because…

Shut the fuck up.

I’m gonna go lay down.

Final Fantasy XII Nets A Perfect Famitsu Score, and everybody gets a little bit hopeful. This is the sixth game to achieve such a score from the magazine, the other five being: Ocarina of Time, Wind Waker, Vagrant Story, Soul Calibur, and… Nintendogs.

…yeah, I remain cautiously optimistic.

Final Fantasy XII is just one short week away from release in Japan, and today, the first review scores became public as early copies of this week’s issue of Weekly Famitsu, Japan’s most well-known gaming magazine, went on sale. The verdict? A perfect score of 40 out of 40.

Each of the four reviewers praised the graphics, scenario and game system extensively, in particular the freshness that the latest entry has brought to the Final Fantasy series. Interestingly enough, this is the second time a Yasumi Matsuno game received a perfect score from Famitsu; he was also the director of the critically-acclaimed PlayStation epic, Vagrant Story. Although he’s no longer being credited as the man in charge of Final Fantasy XII, his influence is still very obviously prevalent throughout the game.

I didn’t beat 8, and I didn’t beat 9, despite my best efforts to actually give a shit. And of course I didn’t play 11, because it sounded pretty fucking stupid. This one, however looks like it might be fun.

Still, this brings me back to the “faggotizing” of game characters that I discussed on Link’s birthday a couple of weeks ago. Ever since these games went 3D, Square has seen fit to effeminize the main character by exponential values in each game. First there was Cloud, who had the gay run-ins at the bath house and a crybaby attitude. Then you’ve got metrosexual Squall, with the Maverick-style bomber jacket, and an even bitchier attitude. Soon afterwards we’ve got the chibi-style pirate guy with the tail… do I need to say anything here? Let’s just move on. Finally we’ve got Tidus from 10, a glorified soccer player who waxes his bleach-blonde body hair. Could it get any worse than that?

Apparently it can.

…

*clings lovingly to presale ticket*

I’ve heard that the stuff tastes like swill, but I’d still like a case of Final Fantasy Potion.

I could do with a phoenix down or two as well.

3K damage? It’s not even a hi-potion, bitches! Take it easy…

X-3 Trailer

Looks like Iceman is tired of not getting any. Ironic choice of the other “untouchable” chick of the team, fella.

I am in love.

Natalie Portman SNL Digital Short

My dick is scaaared of youuuuu.

Ohhhhh sweet Natalie Portman, even sans hair, she’s too excellent to ignore. Hopefully V For Vendetta is worth the shave job.

I would seriously lick her bald head in the sack. I bet she’d get off on it.

I would. And I’d wager that’s not a good sign.

Please ignore the actual content of the story I’m going to quote here, I’ll bold the bit that made me raise an eyebrow.

Rocker Courtney Love and Oscar-nominated Capote director Bennett Miller have sparked rumors they are a couple after being spotted together at a recent Hollywood party. The pair – who were introduced by Capote star Catherine Keener – were “all over each other” at the event, reports gossip site PageSix.com. However, a representative for the film-maker has denied the relationship is anything but platonic, insisting, “They’re not an item. They’re just friends.” Love was previously married to late Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain.

Um… shouldn’t this have read as:

You’ve only ever fucking heard of Love because she was married to late Nirvana legend Kurt Cobain, so why even bother with this goddamned sentence?

Much better.