Author: Sharkey

Holy Hell am I tired. Too tired to come up with something terribly witty involving Victoria Adams (Beckham) for her stint as slice of the day. But hey, you’re a self sufficient lot, you can handle this for one night by yourselves. Just remember no sugar before bed and no rated R movies, you’ll have nightmares.

Now keep it down in here for awhile, I’m going to see if I can schtup your mother again before I hit the hay.

You’ve gotta wonder just what it’s like to be Kevin Federline. I mean the guy must know what a walking, talking douchebag the world sees him as. He’s also gotta know that anyone who buys his soon-to-be-released album, Playing with Fire, is doing so simply for the comedic value. He is undoubtedly aware that he’s pretty much the punchline to the joke that is Britney Spears’ career these days. So you’ve gotta ponder what it’s like to come to grips with all of those facts, just for the sake of money. I mean I’m sure he’s crying all the way to the bank, but at what point to you feel good about exchanging all respectability for a Ferrari?

…and how do I follow suit?

The supremely awesome Kevin Federline has named his debut album Playing With Fire and the expected release date for this album is August 2006. As you may know, he made his first promotional club appearance this past Saturday, March 25th at Vision Club in Atlanta, GA. Usher, Nelly and Jazze Pha were all in attendance and the event has been called a “huge success!” (in a press release). He’s going to make promotional appearances at clubs across the country and will help out local charities in the cities he visits. Here’s what the man himself has to say about the album and tour:

“The inspiration and meaning behind the title Playing With Fire is self explanatory. I’m excited about this album and am looking forward to continuing my promotional club tour in support of it and seeing the first-hand reaction of my fans listening to my songs for the first time. My album is sure to set the dance floors across the world on fire!”

Moral bankruptcy and a loaded wallet seem to go hand in hand.

You know he’s totally self-aware, he must be. It’s the only way to explain his appearance on a day-to-day basis.

Wilmer Valderrama was on Stern yesterday and apparently spilled the beans on his sex life, and was about as humble as can be. And by humble, I mean he sounded like a complete fucking prick. You’ve gotta admire the man’s balls though, especially since they’re close to a still-within-regulation-sized cock that he seems to think is quite special.

Howard said that he had a list of women with whom Wilmer allegedly has had sex and wanted his thoughts on each of them. The first name Howard mentioned was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who Wilmer replied “was an eight.”

Because of the number of A-Listers on Wilmer’s list of sexual partners, Howard asked him if he’s well-endowed. Wilmer responded that he’s “been blessed” in that department, before saying that his penis is more than eight inches long.

The dude claimed to have bagged a number of starlets, including Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mandy Moore, and Ashlee Simpson. Apparently Ashlee was a screamer in the sack, which is funny considering all the vocal help she needed on SNL.

Time for some gaming news kiddies, hold on to your hats.

• New Castlevania DS Soon? – I still haven’t finished the old one, so I don’t know why I’m so damned excited about the possibility of another. Dammit I am a consumer whore.
• Metroid Manga – This is pretty fucking slick. If you feel the need, there’s a flash version in Japanese too, complete with music and some animation.
• Zelda: The Movie? – Reggie from NOA talks about Metroid for the big screen, and drops the possibility of a feature length Zelda flick in the future. Considering the shitty fan-films I’ve seen, I just hope that they come up with better looking tights. We’ve already discussed how the Japanese love to faggot up our heroes, especially Link, so God only knows what will come of this.
• From the Magic Box:
  

  Rockstar Games has registered a trademark protection in US for a new game title Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories on March 21, 2006. Which seems to be the next GTA title for PSP.

  Awesome. Yet another handheld game that excites me, even though I haven’t gotten around to completing its predecessor.

So Captain Terror has been bugging me for a long time about putting up Dania Ramirez, and I’ve been putting it off in hopes that I’d be able to find a shitload of excellent photos. No such luck, but I was able to get a gallery together and up over at SOTD, so now you all get to enjoy the fruits of his naggin’. Enjoy brotha.

Apparently Dania is going to play Callisto in X-3, but that’s no excuse for being in She Hate Me. Nobody has an excuse for being in a Spike Lee joint. Death, threat of rape, familial ties… I’m certain I could say fuck you and brush that idiot off in any of these cases. Still, I think she made out with a chick in that flick, so I guess he can’t be all bad. Just mostly bad. Which is more that I can say for Michael Bay, so he’s got one up on whitey.

Is it just me, or does every female celebrity on the planet have some masochistic urge to take photos of themselves that they wouldn’t want anyone to have posession of, ever? That, or it’s all just a subversive marketing tactic (more likely) to make us all continue to care about people like Britney Spears, who is quite steamed at the moment. Why? Because some online casino just paid $40K for some nude photos of her, pre-K-Fed. Although she’s stating that the photos are fakes, clever Photoshop jobs in an attempt to extort her or capitalize on her fame or some shit. It’s from the Enquirer, so I take it all with a grain of salt, but if it comes true we’ll be on it like white on Michael Jackson.

The Enquirer is reporting that a friend of Britney says the star “is flipping out.” She’s even more furious because “the whole thing is a put up job – the photos are Britney’s head put on someone else’s body,” the friend tells the magazine. In other words – Camp Britney is saying Brit’s head is photoshopped on a nude body.

But the web site reportedly claims they are Brit as a teen completely nude.

Yeah, it’s a longshot. But after the downward spiral she’s been on lately, its nice to fantasize about the old, non-total-fucking-whore Britney.

Man Kills 15-Year Old W/Shotgun For Walking On Lawn ]

Martin: “Kids just been giving me a bunch of (expletive), making other kids harass me in my place, tearing things up.”
911 Operator: “OK, so what’d you do?”
Martin: “I shot him with a (expletive) 4-10 shotgun twice.”
911 Operator: “You shot him with a shotgun? Where is he?”
Martin: “He’s laying in his yard.”

Not fucking kidding, that’s the transcript. I know it reads like the kind of faux-transcript that I’d cook up (minus drug references or something) but this old fucker seriously called up, calm and cool, and had the most blase 911 conversation admitting to murder that I’ve ever heard.

People in Ohio take their lawns seriously, I guess.

I know there have been a lot of reports telling a tale of the future, where Jennifer Love Hewitt is shedding her clothes for the pages of Playboy (I think I even posted something about it) but there’s gotta be more to her upcoming “career” than possibly causing a short-but-sweet jerkoff session in my bathroom followed by 50 years of graceful aging. So I looked her up, and guess what? She’s actually working! That’s right, she’ll be starring in the sequel to 2002’s smash hit Garfield. Oh joy of joys, I can’t wait for the presell! This is going to be an event to behold! Good GOD these pills are fantastic.

Is her show “Ghost Whisperer” fucking cancelled yet? As soon as they can that shit, she’ll be topless faster than you can say “Can’t Hardly Wait.”

For my cousin, the one who witnessed the nude old man last weekend: a treat. He was young enough (I guess) to like Power Rangers like 12 years ago, a fact that I mocked him for incessantly. Now, I would like to present to him some information on a former hero:

• Exhibit A
• Exhibit B
• Exhibit C

That is all.

Thanks for your time.

I dunno why I stayed out of the whole Isaac Hayes/South Park debacle, considering my established stance on scientology. Probably just laziness. But I have to say something now that this old Opie and Anthony clip has been found, where he specifically states that he has no problem with the episode.

If he hasn’t suffered a stroke, and feels that this is the best decision for his career, why does he need a spokesperson to do all the talking for him? Why not silence the rumors and just come out and say it himself? Probably because the poor bastard is probably walking around a flagpole in the high desert right about now.