Author: Sharkey

Anybody here make it to the theaters to see Mission Impossible 3? I didn’t, and sadly I missed out on the fantastic Michelle Monaghan, who was apparently quite hot in the flick. But now that I’ve seen her bare-ass nekkid in Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, I don’t really need to see that Tom Cruise shitfest, do I?

Let us all revel in this fact by partaking of her gallery.

How many times do you think that a poorly-conceived “I’d like to Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang her” joke has been made since she took her top off in that film? I could attempt to figure out a rough estimate, but no doubt the US government has given a grant to a team of crack scientists who will not rest until a proper equation is formulated, tested, and formulated yet again. I’m guessing it’d be something like:

(Box Office Dollars / Average Ticket Cost) / (Douches Who Saw It – Nearby Women) = Why the fuck did I bring this up?

Pitchfork put up this list a long while back (pretty sure I linked to it) describing their list of 100 awesome music videos. Note that they don’t use the words “best” or “top,” just 100 of their personal favorites. Well, thanks to the venture capital draining power of Youtube, they’ve given you the ability to watch every single fucking one. I was quite pleased to see Electric Six in the mix, but especially tickled to see this Blur video, which Bud introduced me to back in the days of BAMF’s infancy.

I particularly appreciate the fact that Blind Melon’s video for “No Rain” featuring the Bee Girl did not appear on this list.

So last week I did a favor and went down to this Catholic school (K-6, hot!) to help them out. As I walked into the teacher’s lounge area, I paused at a particular image of Jesus with a group of children. I stood there for a few seconds staring, trying to comprehend what I was seeing.

I had to snap a photo. Maybe it was the fact that I’d just watched The Longest Yard two weeks ago, but I definitely see the divine presence in this imagery. I can almost hear the conversation.

Child: “Jesus, why do you let bad things happen to good people?”
Jesus: “Yeah, that’s not my name.”
Child: *sighs* “OK…. Turd Ferguson.”
Jesus: “HA HA! Heh, yeah, whadd’you want?”

Heh, dammit, now I want to watch Celebrity Jeopardy. Here’s that particular episode I was quoting, just in case you need it.

Jennifer Aniston’s ass. Not much else you can say about it. Might brighten your day.

Re: Jessica Simpson in Maxim this month…

The hair: meh.

The tits: spectacular.

Seriously, when your hair change makes it look that much like a wig, it seems like an open insult to celebrity cancer victims everywhere. All the blondes I know want to be redheads, probably for the purposes of seeming to be more intelligent. Little do they realize that blonde, brunette, redhead, bald, all women are at least the base amount of stupid. Hair color doesn’t quite factor in. Not that this doesn’t apply to all humans mind you, we try to pay more attention to female insanity than their level of intelligence. And frankly, hot redheads are usually a little more fucked up than the rest.

So basically, Jessica is attempting to give off a vibe that says “I’m single, smarter than the blonde you saw on ‘Newlyweds,’ and ready to make some other schmuck’s life miserable with my craziness.” Bravo.

The heartiest of condolences to my enemies who would wish me dead or at the very least slapped around repeatedly, for it just isn’t so. Last week was pretty ladened with work, and bullshit, and bullshit work. Then a party on Saturday to celebrate the fact that I’m not doing this bullshit work for someone else anymore, which left me… slightly obliterated.

Though I do arise anew, fresh and ready to actually post shit on this site again. For the moment though, I’m going to go grab some lunch, and then come back to try and put a dent in our leftover supply of sangria, which you will notice to the right. I don’t even want to think about the fast-melting ice supply on the beers outside. I have duties to accomplish as a man, and my queer little liver is bitching like a schoolgirl who got pushed in the mud.

I mean to make up for the postlessness of last week, so if any of you have pie, links, etc to share, now is the time to do so. I am alert, ready, and slightly turned on, which is a good state of being for pie postage. I’ve got some personal stores of nudity and semi-states of nudity (not mine) to share momentarily.

In the meantime, laugh at another human with me.

Spider-Man Outs Himself

…not like that, idiots.

And. You’re. An. Idiot. (Thanks BazookaDave)

A contractor late last week discovered two 50-pound “bricks” of marijuana wrapped in plastic bags inside a bathroom vanity he had purchased at a Home Depot store in Tewksbury, said Chief of Detectives Lt. Dennis Peterson.

The estimated street value of the marijuana is around $145,000, Peterson said.

Similar incidents have occurred in other parts of the state. A plumber purchased a vanity in western Massachusetts on Monday in which he later found 3 kilograms of cocaine and around 40 pounds of marijuana, with a total estimated street value of $250,000, according to the Southwick Police Department.

There’s no way… no way possible that those fuckers didn’t take a nice afternoon to themselves prior to calling the police. Say, a nice afternoon where they stashed/sold a new car’s worth of their “findings” before they remembered the numer for 911.

Anyone want to have a nice little Saturday? Hit up the Home Depot?

Holy shit. Why did it take FaaQ to bring this to my attention?

Winner.

Just because work has made me quite neglectful, here’s the entire Vida Guerra Playboy shoot.

And of course, for every other sweet shot of her latin caboose, head over to SOTD’s Vida Guerra gallery.