Author: Sharkey

Starfox Command DS Review

It’s got strategy and action elements, which makes me wonder if they’re listening at all. Give me Starfox for the SNES and Starfox for the N64 rolled into one radical explosion of gaming orgasm, spitting spermlike projectiles of mission-based goodness right into everyone’s faces. Mucking things up with land-based vehicles, getting out of the ships, and strategy… that’s a surefire way to piss me off. And when I get pissed off, my disposable income shifts heavily from the “games and dvds” arena to the “booze and strippers” section of the budget.

I’m still going to buy this though, because I have booze and a girlfriend, who is like a stripper, only more expensive.

I know that I’ve turned quite a few of you literate sons of bitches into Nick Twisp fans, so it behooves me to inform you that there are two new Twispian novels available for your mental consumption.

The first, “Youth And Revolting: The Continental Journals of Nick Twisp,” chronicles the next phase of Nick’s adventures after the events of “Revolting Youth.” There’s a keen sample up on C.D. Payne’s website. And just for good measure, you can order it here.

The second was a bit of a surprise when I first heard about it, but I totally support the idea of C.D. Payne writing more in the same genre because the dude fucking owns it like a racist southern landowner before those damn yankees came along and ruined everything. It’s called “Revoltingly Young:The Journals of Nick Twisp’sYounger Brother” (the guy comes up with some original titles, no?) and what do you know, there’s yet another sample, you lucky prick. And of course, because I’m nice, here’s a spot to order the sum’bitch. I’ll be doing so in just a moment.

Thirdly, Harold “Egon from Ghostbusters” Ramis co-wrote the shitty Weatherman song from Groundhog Day. True story. Slap him if you ever see him.

I’m about to run out of the office right now, but I couldn’t deprive you from Jessica Simpson’s nipples for even 2 mere hours.

Top row of pictures, blue dress, see through excellence. I’ll update this post when I get back, I trust that you can handle things without a thumbnail and an adequate description until then.

Cue Nelson: “Ha-Ha!”

So I waited to discuss the whole E3 fiasco because I wanted more information, and I’m very very lazy. It’s kind of a good thing and a bad thing for the industry. Good because it’ll try to restore E3 to it’s roots, which is continuing good business amongst game developers and publishers. Bad because… because I probably won’t be invited to the next one. And my wrath is quite terrible.

The lack of E3 will probably upset some really… really fat people out there, but it’s for the best. Los Angeles didn’t need another reason to smell like a wet armpit, and E3 gave it about 30,000 reasons every spring. And let me tell you something, on a bad windy day, that shit wafts down towards Orange County like the fog of war from Warcraft. Except instead of fog, it’s ass smell. And instead of war, it’s more ass smell.

Bongweasel, thoughts on the ass?

From the pages of E!: Heath Ledger cast as the Joker in The Dark Knight (confirmed title) and Crispin Glover fans everywhere cried out in agony.

“I’m excited to continue the story we started with Batman Begins,” director Christopher Nolan, who has also signed up for the sequel, said in a statement. “Our challenge in casting the Joker was to find an actor who is not just extraordinarily talented but fearless. Watching Heath Ledger’s interpretation of this iconic character taking on Christian Bale’s Batman is going to be incredible.”

Production is set to being on The Dark Knight early next year–the better to make Gotham City look eerily chilly and desolate–making the sixth Caped Crusader film a prime candidate for a summer 2008 release.

…don’t hate me for saying this (there are plenty of other things to hate me for) but… I think it might work. I’m not saying that it will work, but it might. The guy kind of looks like the kinda dude who could go apeshit and start eating people, and he was super talented in Brokeback…

Wait, what? What did I say? RACIST JOKES AND MONKEYS! I make dick jokes because I’m straight, and I’ll fuck your mother to prove it! Twice! In her ass, because fucking… fuckin’ a woman in the ass is a prime way to show ones heterosexuality!

So in summation, um… I like… Batman.

So we all know that Mel Gibson is a little bit… nutty. And by nutty, of course, I mean racist against anyone of Jewish heritage. But up until now, he’d done a fairly good job of skirting that line, and keeping his Aussie yap shut about his blatent hatred. Thankfully for all of us, there was a secret loosening agent for that ironclad maw of his, and that agent is… booze. Sweet, life sustaining booze has done amazing things for us all, like David Hasselhoff videos and celebrity sex tapes. But who thought it would lead to amazingly hilarious and career-ending comments like this?

Gibson’s publicist, Alan Nierob, would not elaborate beyond an apology Gibson issued Saturday in which the star admitted he uttered things to deputies.

A leaked arrest report quoted Gibson as saying “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world,” and asking an arresting officer, James Mee, “Are you a Jew?”

The fact that this guy is attached to a movie about the Holocaust is amazing. That’s slightly akin to casting Andrea Yates in Vin Diesel’s role in The Pacifier 2.

…which is a fucking brilliant move. I need to get started on a script treatment immediately.

Requests made to 411 operators regarding the home phone number of Mel Gibson were immediately returned with sarcastic remarks.

Extra extra, Metallica is planning to sell their music online after years and years of crying like little bitches. Best of all, they are doing it “for the fans.”

The real news in this, of course, is that Metallica still has fans.

Wow, the next-gen Lucasarts Star Wars game looks… fun. Like really fun.

…

It takes every ounce of will in my body to not take this opportunity to just tear apart the prequels right now. It’s been done to death, and frankly it gives Georgie boy more power, so I’m going to try to never speak of that loathesome trifecta of shit. Instead I’m going to try thinking about something pleasant, like puppies and oral sex.

…not together, sicko.