Author: Sharkey

Things to buy today: The Wizard on DVD, starring Sir Frederick of Savage in his greatest role ever. Also starring the chick from Rilo Kiley as “that girl who screams ‘He touched my breast!'” also known as the hottest line ever uttered in any film since the dawn of time.

Things to burn in angst-filled disgust today: Tenchu DS. The DS stands for “Dark Secret,” and the dark secret is that this game is a bigger piece of shit than anything that ever came out on the Philips CD-i. It took longer for me to actually purchase this game than it did for me to start up the DS, begin playing, and come to the conclusion that I want to stab the developers responsible for this shitfest right in their soulless eyes.

It amazes me that all of these developers still bother coming up with acronyms to suit the whole “DS” theme, as if they had a choice. When Nintendo says “put a DS at the end” they mean “put a DS at the end or you’ll be stuck developing for the PSP, gaijin dog.” If it were me, I’d just let them call it DS and not bother coming up with something clever just so that it seemed like I had some semblance of creative control in regards to the title.

Hey, that new Indiana Jones flick sure sounds like it could be mildly decent, right? Right? Well, not so much.

“We’re basically going to do The Phantom Menace”, says Lucas (stay with him here, he’s making a point). “People’s expectations are way higher than you can deliver. You could just get killed for the whole thing…We would do it for fun and just take the hit with the critics and the fans…But nobody wants to get into it unless they are really happy with it”.

…yeah. Or you could just make something decent. Since not one five minute span was decent in the entirety of the new Star Wars trilogy, I’d say that the guy is really attempting to lower our standards on this one. Basically, he’s going to make Indy incessantly whine about sand snakes and he’ll decide to take the path of evil because… well, he had some nightmares.

…Nazi nightmares.

Eva Longoria did a spread for the September issue of Maxim. She may be an annoyingly conceited and bitchy little tramp, but… but look at those legs!

Hopefully Eva wises up and decides to cash in on nude roles before her slowly deteriorating body becomes of no use to us. Of course, considering the fact that her next major role is in How I Met My Boyfriend’s Dead Fiancée starring Jason Biggs… she might not have a choice.

…which is just how I like ’em.

Chose this show to debut himself? How about “this was the only show that found him hilarious enough to lower its standards.”Snow should really consider making a comeback right now. “Informer” looks like a masterpiece of modern hip-hop in comparison to anything Federleezy puts together.

A licky boom boom down.

After quite some time with a bricked Tivo, I’ve finally come back into possession of a DVR. Problem is, I don’t watch anything on TV anymore. “Lost” doesn’t start up for months, and most everything else is in reruns. So far I have the thing recording “Entourage,” because I caught an episode last week and liked it, and “The Simpsons,” because God commands it. Besides this, I can’t think of anything to record. So let’s use this space to make suggestions on what I should be fillin this sum’bitch up with.

Oh and for reference, we’ve got all the pay channels. Which, at the moment, allows us to watch Wedding Crashers about 40 times per month.

She’s a really classy broad. Is that coke in the background?

You remember that whole experiment to see if like a million people jumping at once would cause a minor earthquake? Well I’d like to hold an experiment like that. Except that instead of jumping, we’re wishing for actual naked photos of Lindsay Lohan, and instead of an earthquake, we’re trying to cause… Lindsay to fuck on camera somewhere.

Start wishin’, bitches! Wish with all your might!

Esoteric in the forums drew my attention to another Woot-off. If you missed the last time I linked to Woot, it’s a site that sells one cool item at dirt-cheap prices every single day until they run out of inventory. The cool thing about a Woot-off is that every time they run out of inventory on an item, they just move to the next item. Sometimes it’s hard drives for next to nothing, other times (like now) it’s one of those vacuum cleaners.

Little known fact: Dave & Luke, who run longtime BAMF pal Geeklife, are the coders behind Woot. You learn somethin’ new every day.

Paris Hilton made the Guinness Book of World Records. That’s no fucking joke, she’s going to be in the 2007 book, and it has nothing to do with being a whore. Well, nothing directly to do with being a whore…

Ms. Hilton has made it into the 2007 Guinness Book of World Records, but it may not be for a reason she’d particularly enjoy. While Britney Spears or Tom Cruise were probably somewhere close behind, Paris takes the crown for our favorite record ever — Most Overrated Person.

A spokesperson for the book says it took its info from a number of magazine polls. Readers voted on their least favorite and most overrated celebrity and Hilton’s name kept coming up on top.

…

Seriously, even if this is a slam on Paris, what damage do you think this will do to her vapid little psyche? Telling her that she’s overrated is like going back to 1988 and telling David Hasselhoff that he has a mullet. …or wait, shit, it’s like going back to yesterday and telling him that he has a mullet, but that’s besides the point. She knows that she’s overrated, she’s practically built her “career” around that simple fact. That and her whoreness. So giving her an “ironic” award in an attempt to slam her is basically just another notch on her incredibly notch-resistant bedpost, because I’m pretty sure that she knows why she is famous, and why we pay attention. Fuck, she put out an entire music album thanks to the fact that she can party like a hobag and will fuck on camera. I can name quite a few ex-girlfriends that share similar qualities, minus the millions of dollars in a trust fund somwhere. And they aren’t recognized by Guinness in the slightest. Except for Alicia, but that’s for reasons that stay between me and my therapist.

The point is, let her fucking die off until she puts out another sex video. Please. Because… because we need another one.

Witness, my friends, the only assholes stupid enough to guess the joke answer on Double Dare. Those kids must be grown up by now, and if I were them, I’d kick my dad in the balls for allowing such humiliation. Then I’d kick my mom in her balls for mating with such a foul cretin.

*sigh* Then on with the suicide.

Man oh man, Lindsay Lohan has some excellent milksacks. She just had to go ahead and give us a preview of them while getting into her car, so… enjoy.

Seriously, she’s going to wind up a big fucking coke whore and she’s about as useful as Lance Armstrong’s other nutsack, but holy crap do I love looking at Lindsay Lohan in compromising situations. Hopefully she decides to take this Paris/Lindsay rivalry to the next level, and put out a bigger, longer, better sex tape than her blonde slut counterpart.