Author: Sharkey

Yarr, it be that time of year again, matey. The hour is at hand where bitches become wenches, and prosthetic limbs are exchanged for peg legs. Aye, it be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. So go out and rape the sauciest wench you’ve ever seen, because today it be legal. Gooood an’ legal. So go steal some MP3s, because we scallywags don’t go in fer’ anythin’ legal.

Wow.

Hey, would you look at that! The Alexis Bledel gallery doesn’t totally fucking suck anymore! Huzzah!

I think I deserve a Coke®.

So as I’m sure most of you have heard by now, a whole slew of Nintendo Wii news hit the tubes of the interweb today. Let’s break down some of the bigger points:

• The system will launch on November 19th, with an MSRP of $250. It’ll come packaged with Wii Sports, which has the tennis game shown at E3, bowling, baseball, golf, and boxing. A pretty good strategy for getting people used to the Wii-mote.
• There will be 25 titles at launch, the biggest of course being Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. First party games retail for $50.
• The Wii will have the Opera browser (Flash enabled) for browsing on the console, although I can’t ever see myself using it. There is quite a bit of speculation that the browser will be free for a limited time.
• The Virtual Console will work on a “WiiPoints” system, where you purchase in multiples of 2000 points for $20 a pop. They can be spent on any of the NES, SNES, and N64 games that will be available. 30 games will be up for grabs at launch, with 60 on the way before the end of the year. The prices break down as such: NES Games: $5. SNES Games: $8. N64 Games: $10.
• Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles. Damn near everyone’s favorite characters are back, including Jill, Chris, and Leon. No official release date, although they did push Metroid Prime 3 back until 2007.
• ALL first-party games will be widescreen.
• There will be no online titles at launch, none scheduled until Pokemon on December 2nd.
• The Wii will be region-free. Play Japanese imports to your heart’s content.

Sad that the Gamecube version of Zelda won’t be out until Christmas, but who am I kidding, I’ll have a Wii on launch day. And, for the twelfth time, I will re-purchase all of my old favorite NES games because I must have them in every available format. It’s a disease, and you can’t blame me for having a disease, you insensetive pricks.

Finally, something to brighten the day for my penis. After unflattering nether regions and unflattering facial regions, my boys could use a little bit of Jennifer Love Hewitt to boost morale and lift um… spirits.

That girl needs to stop doing shit like Garfield and move on to shit like Poison Ivy 12. Anything to free those puppies before they start sagging down to her ankles.

OK, I’m going to insist that if Lindsay Lohan is going to go around flashing her vagina to everyone that she at least has the common decency of giving us a shot worth violating ourselves to.

It’s like someone slapped Fergie’s face inbetween Lindsay’s thighs. Still no word on whether or not this sucker is legit, but there’s no word discrediting it either, so why not?

For those of you who didn’t stop watching anime around the time the dot-com bubble burst, there are going to be 4 new Evangelion movies to satisfy that partially dead otaku inside of you. Hopefully it involves less whining and more animated boobs.

I do not agree with today’s slice, I merely oblige those of you who actually want to see Stacey Ferguson (Fergie of the Blackeyed Peas to you and me) in various states of undress. So enjoy it, you sick freaks.

Meh.

Like many others, I was quite disappointed in the cancellation of Mystery Science Theater 3000. But then a few weeks ago, Bongweasel informed me that Mike J Nelson was ressurrecting the spirit of the show in a new format, called RiffTrax. RiffTrax are cheap downloadable mp3 formatted audio tracks that you listen to while watching the appropriate DVD. This pretty much throws out any issues with troublesome licensing fees and lawsuits, in exchange for a slight bit of user annoyance. The Trax are between $2-3, which is a pretty good deal. Especially if you are into internet piracy, which as we all know is the mailroom level in the pirate corporate lifestyle.

Mike’s site also pointed out that you can watch Night Of The Living Dead for free on Google Video, so don’t say I never give you anything. And if you’re literate enough to read beyond the SOTD post level, you might want to try Nelson’s Mind Over Matters, which is excellently random and simultaneously hilarious. I just found out that his fiction novel, Death Rat! has also been published, so I’ll have to check that out as well.

Until that “Hogan Knows Best” show came along, I had no idea that a fellow like the Hulkster could produce mildly attractive offspring. To celebrate this fact, we’ve finally got a gallery of his daughter Brooke Hogan. Thankfully she doesn’t have her father’s arms, chest, or baldness.

If I ever brought her to orgasm, I’d totally move from each side of the bed to the other doing that “I can’t hear you” move that the Hulkster used to always pull on the crowd. Then she’d bodyslam me and throw me out the door. But it’d be worth it.