Author: Sharkey

Well, I had this entire story posted about my first experience with a Wii, and Internet Explorer 7 completely cocked it up with its ridiculous settings. If I allow popups for a site… maybe you should save THE FUCKING FORM DATA THAT I SEND TO THAT POPUP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT BROWSER!

*sigh*

Anyway, Microsoft just convinced me that I shouldn’t abandon Firefox, because they are a bunch of talentless cocksuckers, so lesson learned. Now on to the post that I had written out in detail, which is now lost due to their complete ineptitude.

I touched a Wii tonight. I haven’t been able to get it out of my mind since. Even my girlfriend, a staunch opponent to all things gaming, was quite enthralled by the experience. We played ExciteTruck… and it was fun. The graphics aren’t anything to write home about… but it is fun. That’s really all that matters, right? Some people would argue, but who gives a shit about the elitists who can only enjoy a game that utilizes the latest technological innovations. Look at Bongweasels “Game Of The Week” and tell me that graphics are the be-all/end-all of qualitative factors when it comes to video games.

Matter of fact, I mocked such idiocies while destroying my gf at ExciteTruck. Some group of little junior-highers came strolling in, with the obligatory braggart idiot who droned on and on about how he was only there to shop for a PS3 game, and how the Wii graphics (and 360, for that matter) sucked in comparison. Oh help him kind merchant, he needs a PS3 game and now! Save him from graphical mediocrity before he crumbles into low-resolution pixels!!!

Except the little prick admitted later that a “friend” was going to “send” him a PS3 later in the week, which was believed as much within his group of friends as it was in my group of… me. When he insulted the Wii and told his friends how awesome his phantom PS3 would be, I had to speak up. I loudly asked Ms Sharkey if she found the kid behind her as annoying as I did.

The kid was mocked out of relevance, and we continued our game, which is really what this thing is all about. After an hour or two with the Wiimote, I think everyone is going to fall in love. No joke. It’s just fun all around, and it doesn’t discriminate amongst the hardcore or the technologically inept. It does exactly what Nintendo sought to bring to us at the last E3… and I am happy.

I can’t wait to own one tomorrow. I’m a man who mocks mere children out of the room, and I’m proud of it. Yatta.

Tales of PS3-related violence and hilarity. Help me keep this list updated, mail any good videos or stories to sharkey[at]badassmofodotcom.

• Student Robbed Of Two PS3s
• Police Use Batons To Sedate Angry Best Buy Crowd (with video!)
• PS3 Buyer Shot As 15-20 Are Robbed
• Violence Breaks Out At West Covina Circuit City (with video!)
• Video: Crazed Raffle Outside Santa Ana Circuit City (I used to live a few blocks from there)
• Smash & Grab Yeilds No PS3s
• Gamers Plan Ahead To Avoid Robbery
• EB Games Robbed of Five PS3s
• Police Use Pepper Spray On Unruly Crowd
• Suspected Rapist Found In Best Buy Line
• Riot At NY Best Buy
• Riot At California Best Buy
• Youtubed PS3 Riot
• Idiotic Musical Chairs Idea Leads To Injuries
• Shots Fired In Gainesville Line
• Stoner Robs PS3 Line – First-Hand Account

O.J. Simpson, bringing himself back into the limelight by fully embracing the situation which dropped him out of said limelight. He’s writing a book and doing a 2-hour TV interview regarding the deaths of his ex wife and Ron Goldman… both of which will revolve around how O.J. would have slaughtered them had he been given the proper chance.

No foolin’.

Fox will slaughter the competition the final week of the November ratings sweeps when it airs a two-hour interview in which O.J. Simpson details how he would have murdered his wife, Nicole, and Ronald Goldman more than 10 years ago.

Had he done it.

Which he didn’t.

Just ask him.

He is, in fact, looking high and low for her killer as we write.

“O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened” will be broadcast over two nights, Monday, Nov. 27, and Wednesday, Nov. 29. Fox airs “House” on Tuesdays and nobody messes with House. Not even O.J.

Look forward to next spring’s followup novel (and subsequent interview) entitled “O.J. Simpson: And Assuming I Did Do It, Here’s How I Would Have Gotten Off Scot Free.” Which, of course, will simply be the entire transcript of the 1995 criminal trial, accompanied by a few photos of himself posing with his wayward Heisman trophy.

Simpsons Movie Trailer

Homer: Awww, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: ‘Splain how!
Homer’s Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

I miss the days of internet past. When I first started BAMF, a major function of the web was to keep me informed of new and upcoming movies, especially the prequels to the Star Wars flicks. I used to sit online waiting for new information, salivating for that next crucial bit of spoiler knowledge that would make me feel all warm and fuzzy regarding Episode 1.

…then, of course, Episode 1 came out.

Now I’m not deluding myself, I know that making fun of the Star Wars flicks has become fairly passe. Once Weird Al has made the move to parody the franchise, the ability to mock the films with impunity has all but dissolved. But I felt compelled to revisit the subject thanks to the marathon that Cinemax has decided broadcast across two separate channels all weekend. It amazes me that Lucas allowed such a thing to happen, as the original trilogy brings an amazingly sharp focus upon any of the millions of horrible atrocities that exist within the prequel trilogy. I feel the need to discuss a couple of particular gripes that revolve around plagiarism. Completely idiotic plagiarism, but plagiarism nonetheless. I’ll stick to these topics and not move past them, just to keep things on target.

Ripoff Source Material:

1. Wayne’s World: We all cringed when Jar Jar said “Exqueeze Me.” It hurt. It hurt real deep. Tragically, there was no Garth to retort with “Sheeyah… right” and bring emotional closure to the scene. Instead we bled profusely from the soul for the duration of the film. And all for… the kids? Except no kids circa 1999 were old enough to see the Mike Meyers classic so… it was fairly useless. Unless Lucas mean to appeal to the child inside of me, in which case, the child inside of me calls him a dirty faggot, because faggot was an acceptably innocent phrase at that point in my life.

   Future me calls him a faggot too.

2. Stephanie & Michelle Tanner: “How Rude” was used so many times, I’m surprised that the Olsen twins don’t just retire as wealthy whores and begin dressing in large and obnoxious clothing in order to disguise their cocaine and diet pill addictions.
3. Looney Tunes: Damn near anything that the robots say in this trilogy is a direct ripoff of some old Warner Bros animated short. “Roger Roger” is a prime example of a way that George Lucas wants to cause us physical harm. Not to mention the fact that robots do not say “Um…” repeatedly throughout the duration of a conversation. Unless they run on 386 processors, and are trying to run Monkey Island 2 along with the program that allows them to say ridiculously uncharacteristic things. That’s Windows bloat for you though.
4. Mexican Jamaicans: Nossa woman nossa cry. Es muy malo.

Thankfully, Rifftrax is taking on The Phantom Menace, which I still found to be considerably better than Revenge of the Sith. Even though Obi-Wan defeats Maul with a move that was considered the kiss of death at the end of ROTS, which makes it hard to decide which film is lying to me about basic lightsaber based combat, especially in regards to high-ground situations. But why bother arguing at this point. It’s all terrible, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Like my grandmother always said, “you mix 5 gallons of shit and five gallons of ice cream, you get 10 gallons of shit.”

She’s still mum regarding which parent she considers to be the “ice cream.”

Voltron is coming to Adult Swim.

The Spider-Man 3 trailer.

So wait… The Sandman killed Ben Parker now? How many fucking liberties is Raimi going to take with this shit? I was in the first Goddamned movie, I refuse to allow him to sully the rest of the series.

My girlfriend is mad at me for hating Spidey 2. But she’s a woman, what the fuck do they know?

It’s been awhile since I’ve said that, but we have good reason to make Mischa Barton today’s SOTD… she finally got naked.

Sorta.

Tragically, it looks a bit like a set of pasties to me. Boo on that. But you never know, she just might have a near-invisible set of nips that will only be revealed with the DVD release.

Or we’ll be sadly disappointed again. Either way, new pics and higher res shots in her gallery. Enjoy.

The time has come. Dump all of your stock. Sell your home. Grab your children and run to the nearest bomb shelter, because I’m about to drop one upon your unwitting asses. If we live in a world where Britney Spears can divorce Kevin Federline, I just don’t know what to beleive in anymore. Up becomes down, left becomes right, anal becomes oral. We truly live in a world of chaos.

TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing “irreconcilable differences.” In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple’s two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.

As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support. She’s also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney’s fees.

Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman’s show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was “a string of events.”

So yet again, Unidor has swept in to save the day. Too bad he didn’t get here prior to her fattening, redneck baby producing marriage, but the guy has a busy schedule. Now Britney can flaunt that newly-repolished physique on the covers of some magazines. Hopefully the kind that children under the age of 18 are not allowed to purchase.

RCKicks13 sent in some news about the CMA awards, which is a good thing, since I didn’t even know there was such an event. It’s like someone decided that the Grammys weren’t worthless enough, so they spun it off with a mildly retarded redheaded stepbrother.

You can see here that Faith Hill is none too pleased that Carrie Underwood (I thought she was an actress) beat her out for Best Redneck with an X Chromosome of the Year.

There’s a lot of debate surrounding this video, I’ve found through 30 seconds of curious googling. And do you know who doesn’t give a shit? I’ll give you a hint: he’s devilishly handsome, unbelievably charming, and will one day drink wine out of a goblet fashioned from your very skull.

You guessed it, Frank Stallone.