Author: Sharkey

How could I not be, it’s a 90 minute adaptation of a 500-page novel. If I’d never read the book, I suppose I would’ve liked it. It’s a funny enough flick, it certainly had good source material, and the actors play their parts well. The problem is, they’re not playing the characters from the book.

First off, Nick’s parents are completely redeemable human beings in this movie. In the book, Nick’s home life sets the initial tone and remains miserable no matter which parent is doing the torturing. He’s also 14, not 16, which makes the fact that he’s better off living without George or Estelle Twisp even more striking. In the movie, they barely have time to acknowledge these characters as annoying, let alone the abusive bastards who use Nick as a conduit for alimony extortion.

Then there’s Sheeni, whom I really liked in this movie. Which is the problem. Sheeni is a cunt. Both the reader and Nick spend the entire book wondering how truthful she is, and whether or not she actually cares for him. She’s ruthlessly cunning and manipulates Nick at every turn, while using him in one way or another to further her own goals. And when the two finally unite in the bizarrely happy(ish) ending, you don’t get the feeling that they are meant to be together for long. Thankfully, C.D. Payne put out the rest of the series and settled the debate.

The rest of the cast becomes tragically one-dimensional as a result of the time constraints. Trent, Nick’s adversary in love, is not at all the scorned ex boyfriend seeking revenge. In fact, he’s an oddly honorable and likable guy; which makes Nick’s blind hatred of him all the more hilarious, and the end to the series excellently ironic. And Paul, good Christ, they couldn’t spend another minute on explaining Sheeni’s awesomely clairvoyant brother? They cut out all of his oddly omniscient conversations with Nick and left in everything having to do with drugs.

And the narrative was gone. The book itself reads a lot like a screenplay intermixed with a kid’s journal, and I always thought it would make an excellent TV series or series of films. Unfortunately, they cut out almost all of Nick’s narration of events, which usually bled into and out of normally scripted scenes. It was a cheap but effective way to add a lot of depth to the character and his interactions, not to mention the fact that some of the best lines in the book are told via first-person narrative or internal monologue.

It’s a fun flick, and I defnitely recommend seeing it. But as someone who’s read the book a good dozen times over the years, I found it decidedly lacking.

I’ll be honest with you (however many of you are left) when I say that I’ve been a lazy bastard in more than just a BAMF-related capacity. The combination of school, work, and a hectic social life have left little time for my formerly-cherished gym regimen. I’ve never been a skinny guy, the best I usually shoot for is “muscular-with-a-beer-gut” which is exactly how the women (and beer) seem to like me. Now I’m just fat. And no more did this realization sink in than earlier today at Starbucks.

Now, I’m not actually a fan of Starbucks, or even coffee in general. It’s just that my new job is relatively close to one, and I have a few of their giftcards that need spending. So I’ve been going in at around 9AM every morning for a hot drink and a bagel. This morning I asked for an espresso, and the guy behind the counter completely misheard my name.

“Moban?” he repeated?

“Logan. LOW-GAN.” I corrected.

“Heh, yeah, I was thinking that Moban was a weird name.” he stated, as he scribbled my name on the cup. Then he looked up and stared me in the eyes and added “..but if anyone could pull it off…”

That’s when I noticed this guy’s effeminate stature, flawlessly-coiffed hairdo, and the way he was looking me up and down like a late dinner. I’ve been dragged to a couple of gay nightclubs by a few girls in my time, I know what this was. This slight fellow was hitting on me. Even as the next customer came up and ordered, he kept up the eye contact and continued asking other inconsequential questions, despite having my ipod earphones still in one ear.

Normally I’d find this sort of thing flattering, but I immediately realized that this queer fellow had no good reason to find me attractive. I’m dressed like a slob, badly in need of a haircut, and hadn’t even said anything, so there’s no way my winning personality had set this guy’s balls aflutter. No… the key to this mismatch lied in my expanded physique and my “I’m-in-school-and-don’t-care” beard. He was checking me out because I’m a fucking bear.

Back to the damned gym, I guess. (You may commence with the “Sharkey is a fag” comments now.)

Some enterprising fellow put together a compilation of the top fail videos of 2009. Enjoy.

Have any of you seen Slick Entertainment’s upcoming XBLA game Scrap Metal? It’s a top-down version of Twisted Metal, and it looks awesome. As long as the gameplay and controls don’t suck ass, they’ve got my Microsoft Points, even with the inexplicable exchange rate.

While we’re on the subject, I wish to God that I could have Twisted Metal 2 on my Xbox. I know it’ll never happen, because Sony and Singletrac were the developers, but a guy can dream. Vigilante 8 was nice, but the gameplay just isn’t as good. And dammit if some of the levels aren’t as frustrating as a blind date with a hot Promise Keeper. Plus you don’t get to blow up the Eiffel Tower, which was half the appeal of TM2 to begin with.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m excited about this particular adaptation. MovieRetriever put up an interview with Michael Cera and Portia Doubleday, but I was most pleased with all of the clips from the movie laced throughout the article. Here’s the theatrical trailer, which I like a lot more than the earlier one. You get a good glimpse at some of the characters.

Cera does talk about the Arrested Development flick for about half a second, just long enough to confirm its existence and the lack of a script. I’ll keep holding my breath.

Damn it Artie, just… damn it.

If you’re a fan of the Stern show (which is so much better now that it’s on Sirius, I can’t begin to explain) you already know that Artie Lange was absent for at least a week prior to the holiday break. Now that the show is back, and Artie’s spot in the Jackie chair is still cold, fans have been speculating as to whether or not he fell off the wagon again. Unfortunately, it’s worse. Apparently Artie stabbed himself nine times in an attempted suicide.

Howard finally discussed it on the show today, and mentioned that though he hasn’t spoken to Artie since the incident, Robin and Tim (their program director) have. Normally I wouldn’t bother posting something like this unless it had some sort of hilarious angle, but since I’m a diehard Stern fan, it makes me very sad. Hopefully he’ll be back on the show sometime in the near future, but it doesn’t look good. Maybe they’ll wrangle George Takei into a long-term guest announcer gig until this whole mess clears up. Or they could bring Jackie back for awhile, just to remind everyone how much better Artie is in comparison.

Just for good measure, here’s a batch of great Bababooey songs and some great angles of his awful pitch at the Mets opener. Hey now.

FaaQ sent me a link which details the life of a brilliant 34-year-old robotics expert who has created his perfect android dream girl. It’s probably a good thing that he can program her reactions, because a normal girl would probably complain about his massive debt, the fact that he lives with his parents, or that he prefers fucking a large pile of plastic and wires.

Aiko, whose age is ‘in her early 20’s’, is 5ft tall and has a perfect 32, 23, 33 figure.

She has real silicone skin and a real-hair wig made by a Japanese doll company. Her touch sensitive body knows the difference between being stroked gently or tickled.

‘Like a real female she will react to being touched in certain ways,’said Le.

I bet she does. His next big project is getting his incredibly expensive real-doll knockoff to walk, which can only end in her walking her ass right out the front door. Nobody wants to be the girlfriend of a broke nerd living with his parents in Canada, not even if you program them to.

If you haven’t heard about the Zelda Reorchestrated project, it’s probably because you’re an asshole and nobody likes you. The team over at ZREO have been putting together a complete reorchestration of the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time soundtrack. They’ve slowly been releasing the album song by song for about six years, but now that it’s complete you can sit back and enjoy all of the sweet tunes of OoT performed by live artists. I’m halfway through it now and it’s a must-download for any hardcore Nintendophiles out there.

It seems that as of this post, their official site is down, so if you want the album you’re going to have to use the (legal) torrent at Torrage or PirateBay.

Side note: I laughed my ass off at the accordion on Lon-Lon Ranch.

I also recommend the ZREO team’s Zelda Soundscapes albums, especially if you imbibe in mind-altering substances. The ambient noises amidst the music might cause you to grab that sword you bought at Comic-Con 8 years ago and go hide in a broom closet. You can find the first volume at Megaupload and the third volume at Rapidshare. If anyone knows of a solid mirror for the second, I’d greatly appreciate it.