Author: Sharkey

They just gave up on any sense of dignity or integrity, and decided to give us anything we want so that we’ll sit tight during those commercial breaks. Therefore, they give us the tasering of Latoya Jackson and Ponch.

How did the doctors make a woman look exactly like her completely deformed-by-plastic-surgery brother? Amazing.

I got hit up by the guy who runs MyFreePaysite awhile back, talking about getting people to visit his site. I didn’t really pay it much attention because the word “free” makes my brain immediately brand it with “bullshit.” But the guy convinced me to sign up… and it’s actually free. Lots and lots of free porn, all in one convenient location. This, friends, is a sponsor I can get behind.

They don’t sign you up for spam, but I wouldn’t believe me if I said that either. So sign up with whatever anti-spam email address you normally use, and check out the mountains of free depravity that is contained within that one site. I feel pretty good plugging these guys, so you should feel good checking them out. And then check out the Bloopers & Outtakes section, and tell me that I’m not completely alone in thinking that it is hot.

Well there’s something you don’t see every day… Ashlee Simpson’s nipple.

There are so many of these nipple/vagina slips these days that you just can’t help but become skeptical of their “innocence.” I sincerely doubt that paparazzi have just so happened to master the art of catching a virginal pop star sans-panties on the way to some trashy nightclub. These (maybe not this one, but a lot) are career moves, which begs the question: was Ashlee’s dad/business manager consulted on the nipular content of her week? Will an upcoming episode of “Hogan Knows Best” revolve around the Hulkster coming to grips with Brooke’s promoter insisting that she “accidentally” release a sex tape upon an unsuspecting public?

Not that I’d frown upon such a thing, mind you. I’d just like to get my DVR ready.

Fox Puts A Bullet In “The O.C.”

Bolt is gonna be depressed.

“The O.C.,” the once-hot teenage soap opera that saw its ratings plummet like a delinquent student’s grades, has been canceled. The final episode of the drama will air 9 p.m. EST Thursday, Feb. 22, Fox TV and Warner Bros. Television Production Inc. said Wednesday.

The finale “will deliver real closure to the series, to the story we began telling four years ago,” series creator Josh Schwartz said in a statement. “It will be fun and emotional and I think really satisfying. It is the finale we always planned to do.”

The show was fun for the first couple of seasons, even if for nothing else than the drinking game. But after awhile I just didn’t give a crap about the storyline. Plus Floyd’s gigantic projector broke down, so… everyone dispersed. I will say this for the show, it did help get me more action overseas. Scottish women, for instance, loved us. But they loved us even more when they heard that we were from “The O.C.” which to them is a land of rich people and a beach fight with the water polo team every ten minutes.

Bye bye, sweet bringer of Christmakuh. You introduced us to Mischa Barton, Rachel Bilson, Autumn Reeser, and many other fine additions to the galleries. Plus, you told the truth about Chino… it’s fucking grainy, and everything is tinted yellow, like it was filmed by a drunkened Michael Bay. Truth be told.

Haw-haw!

Anybody want to see Jessica Alba’s nipples poking through her bikini top? I thought you might, you loveable scamp.

Spectacular.

Well over the last week, I managed to pull off a minor miracle. I actually made my PSP useful again.

Did I buy a kickass title, like GTA: Vice City Stories? Nah. I’ll wait for the PS2 version, if I play it at all. No my friends, I finally did the unimaginable. I got it to play emulators again, without detailed instructions (and all of the necessary files) from Bongweasel.

I’m a big boy!

Now I’m running SNES games, Neo Geo CD, MAME, and most amazingly, Playstation 1 titles. I’ve been playing Suikoden for the past four days, and it has convinced me that poppa needs one of those 4 gig memory sticks to hold other such excellence. Getting your PSP to run the firmware necessary to play (legal, right?) PS1 titles is not the most simplistic process on Earth, but it’s hardly rocket science. You simply get your poor Sony-forced ass a the appropriate downgrader (or if you’re like my poor cousin with the brickable PSP, get this one instead) and… you know… follow the very complicated instructions.

Do that? Good. You’re very efficient, like the Indians or the Japanese, but without a noticeable smell or scatalogical fetish. Now what you want to do is upgrade to the custom Dark_Alex 3.02-A firmware. I will take a piss while you accomplish this task.

Done? Great. Good. Now go ahead and upgrade that firmware version to the newer, sexier 3.02-B counterpart, which should be the shortest part of the whole process. You should have done it while you were reading this, that’s how fast it should have been for someone with your speed and skill.

Now after all of that nonsense, you’re probably going to want to pirate some PS1 games. And by pirate, I mean rip the ISOs legally from a copy of the game that you own, and then throw it into the trashcan along with your receipt just so that this whole thing will be flagrantly disrespectful of copyright laws. First things first you scallywag, go ahead and download Popstation. Secondly, you’re going to need a copy of the Hot Shots Golf 2 EBOOT files or whatever (it comes with some other shit too) which apparently you can buy off of the PS3 Store. …or, you can go ahead and download it from fucking Bittorrent, because who wants to pay for fucking Hot Shots Golf 2?

After that, you should be able to figure out the rest on your own. I did, and I was torched like a Christmas morning electrical fire when I upgraded mine. Post any ideas for future PS1 game usage, because I’m going to be done with Suikoden before the first of you actually does all of this shit and joins me in PSP-usefulness bliss.

As Curly Bill Brocious once said: “Well…… ….. bye.“

Who wants to take bets on how long it’ll be before his ghost (or him in Hell) winds up in an SNL skit?

Thanks to all of you who pointed out that my sleeping-pill addled brain had the audacity to misquote Tombstone. Seriously, I’m fucking ashamed of myself.

That was fast.

Two Nights Ago… At A Hollywood Party

Spike Lee: *talking to no-one in particular* “You see, that’s why I’m the greatest. I can write, I can direct, and I can act. And you thought I couldn’t do it because I’m a black man, you cracka ass mothafucka.”

Sycophant: “I beleived in you Mr. Lee.”

Spike Lee: “Shut the fuck up, you honkey bitch. I didn’t get into this business to get props from no kissass punk like you! I did it to show poonjab mothafuckas like M. Night Shyamalan that I can out act they asses any day. Puts his’self in a title role like I do and try to upstage me, huh? We’ll just see about that shit. Next flick, I’m gonna cast myself as Denzel Washington as the next rich dead nigga that comes along. Now that’s a motherfuckin’ surprise ending!”

Sycophant: “Sir, I do believe that James Brown himself died this morning.”

Spike Lee: “I thought I told you to shut that fuckin’ mouth befo… wait… the Godfatha of Soul? Damn son. That’s serious. We need to have ourselves a moment of silence…”

Sycophant: “…”

Spike Lee: “Aight, that’s long enough. Let’s go get me a mothafuckin’ payday!“

That’s just what I assume goes on. I’d wager that I’m not far off.

So I could start this post off by apologizing for my absence, and carry on and on about what led to my disappearance and subsequent lack of posting, but I won’t. Well… I won’t apologize, I mean. I had a lot of shit going on last week, what with a family member in the hospital, birthdays, Christmas parties galore, and a new Xbox 360 to keep me preoccupied.

On the positive side, the new House of the MoFo is going to receive an awesomeness injection with a side of belligerance. Collectively, this place received the following liquor-friendly gifts during this holiday season:

• A full marble-top bar
• A wine storage refrigerator
• Shot dispensers
• A dual ice shot luge

We’ve got the bar, the giant hi-def TV, and the surround sound. Now we just need a plush velvet couch and we can turn this place into a full-fledged brothel.

My girlfriend also got me a set of these bad boys for the main empty wall in the living room. I’m thinking we’re going to paint the room a dark color, line one wall with the invaders, and the opposing wall with some badass quotes or something. Any suggestions are welcome.