Author: Sharkey

Whatever it is that pushes a person to commit a crime, such as robbery, must have some sort of chemical effect on the brain to override the good/bad triggers of the conscience. Unfortunately, I have a theory that another chemical is released during the actual act. I call that chemical stupidium, and the effects on the criminal mind can easily be seen in the following example from USA Today:

BOSTON – Two armed suspects in a pizza parlor heist tried to pretend to be hostages as police closed in, but were outfoxed by restaurant employees. Armed suspects Johnathan Ortega, 23, and Miguel Angel Correa, 27, allegedly broke into a Pizza Hut restaurant last week, tied up employees in the bathroom and waited for a time-delayed safe to open, police said.

The plan began to fall apart after the duo released one hostage, making him promise not to call authorities. Police arrived minutes later. The suspects then tied themselves up and pleaded with the hostages to go along with the ruse. Restaurant manager Orlando Reyes, 20, wasn’t about to play along. “I said ‘I’m going to go outside and tell police officers the bad guys left and you guys were tied up with us,”’ Reyes told the Boston Herald. The men were charged with kidnapping and attempted robbery.

There are just way too many stupid criminals on this planet, wouldn’t you agree? And based on our society’s ability to find a chemical reason for every negative facet of life, (like blaming your lack of a job on ADD) one must assume that there is indeed a chemical reaction behind the absolute lack of common sense contained within the criminal mind. If you’ll take a moment to peruse this chart I’ve drawn up, you’ll see what I mean.

As you can clearly see, when the D3 Agonists are a-flowin’ (ie: during the adrenaline rush of a robbery), the Stupidium producing nerve cells pump out an excessive amount of stupidium to subdue the D3 Receptors, to nullify any common sense messages that they might send to the brain. This is just my theory, but it does explain the chemical process involved in the stupification of our criminals.

That, or they’re just a bunch of coked up fuckwits. Science is an untamed beast, I’m afraid.

Why is it that my stupid customers feel the need to lighten their personal loads when it comes to me giving them support for their websites? In the last week alone (I shit you not) I have heard the following phrases, just in general conversation:

“I’m on a lot of pain medication right now, so I’m a little out of it.”
“I started having hot flashes this week, so I’m a little out of it.”
“My wife’s leaving me, so I’m a little out of it.”

Seriously, I’ve never met you. Why do you feel the need to ask me to play psychotherapist when I’m just a guy who makes stupid websites and pretty pictures?

And why don’t we host any female porn stars’ official websites? If I’m going to hear about some personal problems, they may as well be interesting. Although that first call about genital warts would be rough…

Ten to one says that it’s one of those Flash movies that’s been somethingawfuled or farked into the ground, but I don’t give a shit. I’m hopped up on medication, and I says it’s funny.

[ Police Investigate Hamster Driving Toy Car ]

British detectives are investigating the mystery of a hamster found driving a toy racing car along a promenade at a northern seaside resort, newspapers said on Saturday.

The hamster, nicknamed Speedy, was handed in by a member of the public who found him cruising through Cleveleys, near Blackpool in the modified toy, which he powered by a treadmill.

“In the center is a typical hamster wheel you can buy at any pet shop… As the hamster went round and round it powered the car along at high speed.”

Show of hands, quick show of hands here. Who in the class has not ever tried to modify an animal or electrical device by attaching one to the other? And it doesn’t count if you didn’t own a pet. And if you were the shitheel next door who tortured someone else’s animals, you can kiss my ass. Buy your own dog, you twisted little bastard. What you did was for the purposes of evil. What I did was for the purpose of science. And Rover was the Beeker to my Bunson Honeydew.

No, there wasn’t much of a point to this post. I just wanted to share that picture of a hamster in a racecar. Why? Why the Hell not, you commie?

I just wanted to give you guys a heads-up on some grandiose films that just made their way from archaic VHS to the delicious DVD format this week. Save your pennies!

• Captain Ron — (There’s guerillas in them forests, chief)
• Little Big League — (Starring the kid from The Wizard! How can you go wrong?!?)
• Mr. Nanny — (Hulkamania becomes completely faggotted up)
• Monkey Trouble — (with Thora Birch, who’s boobies were seen in American Beauty)
• Suburban Commando — (that’s two Hulk Hogan flicks in one day! Sweet Jesus!)
• Surf Ninjas — (Ernie Reyes Jr. & Sr.?!? I can hardly contain my pee!)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Secret of the Ooze — (Ice, Ice, Baby!)
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 — (Casy Jones, where were you in part II?!?)

I poke fun, but you know what the sad truth of the matter is? I’ve seen about 90% of the movies on that list.

So have you, dickhead. Don’t judge me.

This image pleases me on a completely visceral level. I have no control over it, I have no opinions on it. The picture just makes mouths happy.

Eminem + Moby = Lovin’

Seriously, that’s one multi-millionaire flipping off another multimillionaire so that people like you and I will go out and pad their multimillionaire lifestyles. Ten bucks says that they laugh about this one over a fine glass of Cristal and a couple of 16 year old nympho fangirls.

Wish your fellow man a happy Friday. I’m going to bed.

So I’m sure a lot of you are wondering a couple of things.

1. Where the Hell did the site go
2. What’s with this slightly changed look?

Let me answer those questions in the order that they came. First, we had a bit of downtime thanks to our previous hosts, who decided to cancel BAMFs account without telling me. Why? Because the account was cancelled by me, back in February. Except instead of me, it was really some anonymous troll who looked suspiciously like David the Gnome, and instead of cancelling the account he just sat around and smoked a pipe all day long. When the hosting company saw this, they apparently took it as an immediate sign of the forthcoming apocalypse and shut down our account. At least, that’s my best estimate of the shenanigans that occurred over at our (now) former host.

The slightly altered look is due to two things. First is laziness, since I’m working my ass off at my real job and don’t have time to implement everything at the moment. Second, there’s a new layout on the way, so why bother changing it to look exactly like it did? See, it all boils down to laziness, first and foremost.

I’m glad to have the site back though, even if the server move and the redesign are being rushed now thanks to that shitheaded, pointy hat wearing troll. Expect the old staff to return, email to be back online, and the new layout soon. In that order, I’d imagine.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe, Bolt Boy is going to be distraught. Seems that one of his favorite people on the planet has tied the knot, effectively ending their cinematic love affair. Send the guy a box of tissues, will you?

First came “Scooby-Doo,” now comes “I do” for Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr.

The couple, who appeared together in this summer’s talking-dog comedy “Scooby-Doo,” were wed Sunday at an undisclosed location in Mexico, their spokeswoman, Leslie Sloane, said Tuesday.

That’s a shame. But this might just mean that Bolt Boy won’t drag us to every single Freddie Prinze Jr. movie that Hollywood shits out from now on.

…what? You thought he was in love with Sarah Michelle Gellar? She’s hot, I admit, and I believe he would do the same. But you have to look at sheer statistics to unravel this mystery. Ask him if he’s seen more than five episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and you’ll probably get a negative response. But ask him how many times he’s seen She’s All That, Down To You, or any other Prinze Jr. celluloid crapfest and you’ll have the easy answer.