Author: Sharkey

Cultural Darwinism at work is a delicious part of this nutritious breakfast. Special thanks to Jerimiah for sending in the latest recipient of “life shoving you down the staircase.” Observe:

A rush hour accident brought traffic to a halt on the Southwest Freeway.

Around 4:30 Tuesday afternoon, a man was struck by a black Chevy truck. The driver stopped to render aid to the victim. Police say the man who was hit was running across the freeway chasing after a partially empty can of beer.

The victim was taken to Memorial Hermann Hospital where he is listed in critical condition. No word if the driver will face any charges.

Face any charges? For doing society a favor? If I were the judge, I’d personally give the guy the next four parking tickets free just for going to the hospital and finishing the job. I’m sory I’m such an unsympathetic bastard, but if you’re running across a crowded freeway chasing a half-full Pabst Blue Ribbon, you deserve an early shove off the mortal coil. Preferably delivered by angry bees, or the grill of a speeding Chevy, whichever you prefer.

UNITED NATIONS MEETING, MIDDAY

North Korea: “Supplies, foorish Americans! We have nuclear weapons long time!”

America: “What? You sneaky little bastards! And here we’d thought that even though you’ve denied our inspectors and refused to supply us with information, you’d just been on the ‘honor system!'”

North Korea: “Ha Ha fuck you kill me, stupid round eye! We pull wool ovah yoah eyes good!”

America: “Well, even though you’re part of an Axis of Evil and all, you won’t uh… you won’t use them, right?”

North Korea: “Aw. Since you-a ask so nicerry, shuwwa theeng.”

America: “Really? No foolin’?”

North Korea: “… HA HA! I HAVE MY FINGAHS CROSS! YOU SO STUPID AMERICAN!”

Actual transcript. Or not. I’m fully aware that my horribly inaccurate mix of Chinese and Korean accents is completely inappropriate, but let me bring up just one important point… HOLY SHIT! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!

*Runs*

*Door slams*

Ok, let me get this straight.

1. [ The Axe Might Be Falling For Steven The Dell Kid ] (thanks Sugary75, the first one to get it to me)
2. [ PETA Protesters Pelted With Milk In Scotland ] (thanks FaaQ)
3. [ Truth Website Haxx0r3d ] (Be prepared to run Ad-Aware after viewing

My birthday isn’t even until next week, yet there’s a beautiful bounty of spiteful fun just waiting for me in my inbox. God bless America.

[ Former Lucasfilm Employee Arrested For Supplying Harry Knowles With Pirated Episode II ]

Shea O’Brien Foley, 30, was taken into custody October 8 in Burbank, California, where he works at NBC in the facilities department, authorities said.

Foley is expected to be arraigned on nine counts of grand theft, and four counts of unlawful computer access at an as-yet unspecified date in Marin County, the Northern California base of operations for George Lucas’ dream factories, including Lucasfilm and Industrial Light and Magic.

Yeah, I know. It’s been Slashdotted to Hell, right? Who gives a crap now, right? Well, since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you. All us old skool MoFos care, because we know this guy. In fact, I’ve probably written a comment (circa Episode I) about what a raging dick he was.

By the by, here’s something you might not find on Slashdot. His AOL site, his personal website, and his website devoted to my favorite theatre.

Now I’m not a complete dick. I don’t think it’s at all nice to make fun of the guy for getting arrested, even if he was stupid enough to do something like this:

But no-leak-tolerance Lucasfilm did want to know how Knowles got his paws on its film, at the time, still two months away from its May 16 release. The company deduced the footage must have come from an in-house source, the Independent Journal says. Foley came under scrutiny because of suspicious postings made under the screen name “Shay” on Star Wars chat rooms, the paper says.

Brilliant pseudonym, jackass. Anyway, like I said, I’ll feel bad if he goes to jail. But I still think it’s funny that he’s going to be blackballed in Hollywood. At least he worked at Lucasfilm, that’s something to have been proud of. I wish I could’ve worked ass-kissing into that kind of art form, but unfortunately my lips are a little too thin.

Well, not really. Didn’t mean to alarm you. But in case you’re living under a rock, the Senate has approved the authorization of the President to commit troops to enforce UN regulations in Iraq. A lotta Dems voted on the side of the President, but that’s to be expected in a situation like this.

In local news, the China Chow gallery is no longer empty, and I’m not wearing any pants. These two occurances are mutually exclusive folks. Ignore the hype.

I’m sure that by now you’ve heard about the jackass who died after playing videogames for 86 hours straight. If you hadn’t, however, let me take a moment to fill you in on the details… *ahem* a jackass died after playing videogames for 86 hours straight. Happy now? *sigh* …oh fine, you big babies.

A 24-year-old South Korean man died after playing computer games nonstop for 86 hours, police said yesterday.

The jobless man, identified by police only by his last name Kim, was found dead at an Internet cafe in Kwangju, 260 kilometres southwest of Seoul, they said.

Quoting witnesses, police detective Oh Myong-sik in Kwangju said the man had been virtually glued to the computer since late last Friday and had no decent sleep and meals.

There, happy now? Life enriched because you read that little snippet? Fantastic. Now where were we?

Ah yes, the Korean taking a Starcraft related dirt nap. Anyway, I’m surprised that I’m hearing so much in the way of sadness regarding this story. I mean seriously, did we really need people like this mucking up our existence? The guy had no job, and a predeliction towards gaming that didn’t just border, but pissed upon the realm of “dangerous”. And now I’m hearing Internet geeks moaning about how “hardcore” this chap must have been to sit on his ass playing games for over three days without food or sleep. C’mon now kids, we all like to pretend we’re hardcore, but at some point your pathetically overweight ass has to shuffle home for some much needed microwave burritos and a little self love. Otherwise you’ll start to remember what a worthless pox on society you are and decide to prematurely shuffle off this mortal coil. While I do support this for those of you with no redeeming qualitites, I’d like to think that your tubby asses could at least serve as nutrition for the starving, hard-working citizens of Africa or something.

Honest to God. Go here right now. If you still feel like drinking Mountain Dew and playinjg Counter Strike until your eyeballs bleed, go seek some counseling. Not sexual or mental counseling, I mean the kind where self-induced arsenic poisoning is involved.

Aside from watching executives bicker in front of me about their primary “action goals” on their upcoming website and nearly getting killed by a speeding forklift, it’s been a fairly odd day. I’m used to odd though, so there’s really no worries in that department. I run this site for God’s sake. Odd is a day where I don’t get an e-mailed eyeful of Goatseman with my morning coffee.

However, I came across a situation today that I was unprepared for. As I was driving home, I encountered my lil’ white haired old grandmother on the road. As I contemplated waving to her, I saw that she was looking straight at my car, with an angered grimace on her face. As I made my turn, I was surprised to see her clearly mouth the words “Son of a BITCH.” at me. I doubt she knew who I was, since she still calls me by the wrong name every now and again and couldn’t hear a cow anally raping Celene Dion in the next room. But still, it’s unsettling to be the victim of inter-familial road rage. That’s a new experience to add to the list. And by the way Mom, if you’re reading, Grandma’s been talkin’ smack on you. Maybe it’s time we talked about nursing home options.

Every now and again, there’s a glimmer of hope for the future. (from Larry F’ing Miller no less!)

The lead singer of every band that day had gotten huge cheers in between songs by shouting things like “ANARCHY!” or, “F— CORPORATIONS!” or just, “S—!” and all fifty thousand kids would scream their approval, whoop, and shove their fists into the air. Typical, I guess. Then, “Buzzcocks” came on, played their first song, and the lead singer stepped forward and shouted this (verbatim from Jack, he wrote it down) into the mike: “F— GEORGE BUSH! DON’T LISTEN TO HIM. WE HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN IRAQ, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.” And here comes the good news.

There was a long pause, complete silence. And then they started. The boos. One here, one there. Then everyone. Everyone. Louder and louder. Jack told me how the puzzled singer blinked in surprise, looked at the rest of his band, and then stepped forward again to try to save the moment. “NO, NO, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. I SAID F— GEORGE BUSH. F— HIM.” The boos grew even louder, and then people began shouting back up to the stage, “NO, MAN, F— YOU!” “YEAH, F— YOU, A—–E!” More and more, ceaselessly rising, until the shaken band caucused quickly and just blasted into their next song.

Although this isn’t exactly a glimmer of hope, it is reassuring to see that the Commander-In-Chief can rally up a bit more support from the troubled youth of today than Pete Shelley of the Buzzcocks. Funny to see the lil’ bastards cheering and giving hurrahs for “Death to big business” and “Anarchy” while paradoxically defending a Republican, big business backed President. That would be like being at an Ice-T concert, and cheering through a rendition of “Cop Killa”, then booing when he ends it with a rousing “Yeah suckaz, fuck da Po-lice!” Just a little bit stupid is all, and I know that’s how you MTV kiddies are these days so I’ll just pat you on the head and say “Good job, lil’ whitewashed punkers. Good job.” Let me know what you think of the current situation after you get a Goddamn job.

Punk is dead, by the way. Just filling in those of you who didn’t get the memo.

I bit the bullet and purchased the Danger Sidekick. I’m currently picking up a couple of DVDs in Blockbuster. I wonder if they’ll mind if I use their shitter to fulfill my aforementioned intent for this thing.

*Update* : They didn’t. Of course, it still counts if I didn’t tell them.

So I guess they’re making a movie about the Napster fiasco. I know, who gives a shit, right? But the movie apparently marks the triumphant return of Alex “Bill S. Preston, Esq.” Winters. That’s right, the guy who must cry like a little bitch every time The Matrix comes on HBO is finally getting his shot at the big time! Vengeance and fury, motherfuckers, because Bill is getting his big break!

Yeah, you’re right, who gives a shit. Well, you did enough to read this post, didn’t you. And on your weekend, your precious, precious weekend. Just sad is all I’m saying. *shakes head*