Author: Sharkey

This definitively beats out the “breast examiner booths” of yore in terms of legality, and effectiveness.

[ Pervert priest pinched for ‘holy massage’ ]

Pervert priest pinched for ‘holy massage’

“I just channeled Earth’s vital energy into her in accordance with Shinto ritual. So what I did was not illegal,” 34-year-old Sakamoto told grilling officers.

Midway through the teaching session, Sakamoto suddenly told the girl, “Your problem is a lack of earthly energy. I will channel the energy into you,” and started groping her, according to the victim.

Grand. Catholic priests, don’t let this give you any ideas. Not that you need any, you’ve probably cornered the market on these kind of “one hand washes another” scams. However, I am highly intrigued by the practicies of the Shinto church. For instance, must this Earth energy be transmitted via the hands, or can other extremeties, such as the tongue, be used as a conduit of enlightenment?

Matter of fact, I think I’ve just coined a new euphamism for the wang. Conduit of enlightenment, I like the sound of that. I’m not just a lover baby, I’m a teacher, a bringer of carnal knowledge. So bring on the lucious schoolgirls! When it comes to the plaid skirt wearin’ teen-types, I prefer them hot and quiet. That’s why I keep a roll of duct tape in my car.

*Ahem* Just kidding. *scans for the feds* Happy Monday.

I just gave blood for the first time for some Kings tickets. Were up in the nosebleeds which no doubt accentuates any feelings of wooziness. I think Ill go have a beer to celebrate.

Once again, two links, same theme. What the fuck is going on, did I fall asleep while God let another few million assholes onto the planet? Actually, I guess that happens all the time. That’s what the Malthion X is for. Anyway, links and such:

[ Couple Sells Baby Outside Of Wal-Mart ]

The Harts were arrested Saturday in front of the Danville Wal-Mart Supercenter. Police said they had tried to sell their baby to a prospective adoptive couple for $3,000.

All Hart asked for — and all the Cromers gave her — was “a housecoat to wear at the hospital and a barbecue chicken dinner,” Cromer said.

Did that chicken dinner come with mashed ‘taters and some bisquits? Because if not, those folks got screwed. Always try to haggle. And by the way, this is one more reason that we should demolish every fucking Wal-Mart Supercenter on the face of the Earth. I’ve been to one, and I can tell you that it’s nothing but a breeding ground for trash of all colors, and enough mullets to overwhelm a fleet of barbers.

[ Woman accused of trying to sell her child for bail ]

A 19-year-old woman being held at the Carroll County Detention Center was charged yesterday with trying to sell her 2-year-old son for $250 so she could get out of jail to await trial on a drug charge, police said.

Judith Ann Garland of Baltimore was charged after a two-month investigation that began when the Harford County woman to whom the child was offered for sale called authorities, said Maryland State Police Sgt. James DeWees.

At least she didn’t get talked down to a hundred bucks and a plate of barbecued chicken. Although if she’d been successful, she might have had time to birth herself a few more youngin’s in time to have a mighty fine Thanksgiving dinner next year at Applebees.

Meh, I figure these twisted fucks are too stupid to live, let alone be responsible for the lives of children. So I say let them sell, in fact, we should legalize the shit and set up an eBay for the sole purpose of selling your useless crack babies. We could call it bayBay. Think about it, you can use your handy Paypal debit card to purchase yourself a slightly retarded five year old with a knack for scoring blow at a fair price. That, or you can have yourself a fine Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings. In fact, that should be bayBay’s slogan: Kids Or Meat. World hunger problem solved, overpopulation problem solved. Next crisis please.

See, this is why you need me kids. Results.

Hey, Asians are good at math right? (Hooray stereotypes!) Here’s an equation that popped into my head as soon as I saw the two following stories, both posted on the same day.

Numero Uno: [ Train molestation ruling overturned in high court ]

The man was arrested and held in custody for 92 days after a 19-year-old woman accused him of making her feel his private parts on a train on the Seibu Shinjuku Line on the morning of Dec. 5, 2000. He was later convicted by the Tokyo District Court and sentenced to 14 months imprisonment.

Numero Dos: [ Gov’t official arrested for high school girl train groping ]

The official fondled the thigh of an 18-year-old high school girl who sat next to him on a Hankyu Railway Kyoto Line train on the night of last Sunday, police said. He attempted to escape after the train stopped at Takatsuki Station in Osaka Prefecture, but a station staffer subdued him and handed him over to police.

Damned Japanese. It’s so simple and it’s right in front of your face.

Teenage Girls + Trains + Drunk Guys = Molestations

So it’s pretty damned simple. You can’t get rid of drunk guys, because they fuel the economy. You can’t get rid of trains, because they take the drunks to work. So the solution is this: get rid of your luscious teenaged girls. As a pre-emptive measure, I have set up a foundation to help your country get back into good moral standing. Please ship all available hot chicks under the age of 20 to:

Save The Pecan Pie Foundation
C/O The MoFo Den
Irvine, CA
USA

Please include SASE (proper postage required) for return of merchandise once it reaches the age of 20. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.

Thanks to Thucka for filling me in on the fellow that has almost replaced Hugh Hefner as “Who I’d Like To Be As A Lecherous Old Man.”

Rolf Eden, a Berlin property tycoon, former nightclub owner, and all-purpose celebrity, says he is offering $125,000 to any woman, from anywhere in the world, who can kill him with sex.

“My real desire is to die on a lady, while making love,” Eden said. “A lawyer has my will, and in my will I have $125,000 for this lady.”

Eden says that even at age 72 he is fit as a fiddle, and ready for love. He claims he will pay for an unspecified number of women to fly to Berlin from various parts of the world, for a couple of days of sexual activity, providing they fit his criteria.

*God-awful pun is about to enter your line of sight. Take caution*

Well, at least he wants to go out with a bang! Get it? …See cuz he wants to… go out having… you know and it’s…

Fuck all of you. It’s 2AM and I have video games to finish before Christmas.

I popped up a new logo, my first attempt at digitally inking a sketch from my new scanner. Not too bad, although Sharkey turned out looking slightly Gabe-esque from PA. Oh well, maybe I’ll use a different line thickness next time. Anyone who has some links or tips on photoshop inking, let me know. I’m always interested in different ‘shop techniques.

Oh, and just in case you hadn’t heard, the whiny little prick from Oasis just got his fucking teeth knocked out. It really is beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Liam Gallagher, wild-man vocalist of British rock band Oasis detained after a brawl in a five-star Munich hotel at the weekend, has been freed from jail after posting bail of more than $100,000, police said Monday.

Gallagher, 30, lost several teeth in the punch-out, the latest in a string of misadventures for the singer, noted for reviving Britain’s tradition of rock ‘n’ roll.

After the brawl, lil’ Liam decided it would be prudent to kick a police officer “full-force” in the ribs. Apparently album sales weren’t doing too well, and the record label felt that for each ass-kicking, another 100K would sell. If this is the case, I personally support this theory. In fact, if they publish a video of the chump losing his chompers on one of those interactive CDs, I’d buy it just to show my love of this idea. I even have a list of celebrities who I think should participate in this plan, right from the get-go. Start with Liam, work your way to Michael, and make sure to get Rod Stewart as you go.

Any ideas on a name for this brilliant advertising scheme? How about “Punch Your Teeth Down Your Talentless Throat Marketing”? Has a nice ring to it. It’s context can easily apply to movies and commercial advertisements as well. Barbara Streisand movie producers and Dell execs, I’m talking to you.

Dammit Kevin Smith, don’t fucking encourage them!

Director Kevin Smith is giving the newly engaged couple a custom-made video game to thank them for costarring in his recently wrapped movie “Jersey Girl,” according to the New York Post.

The game, “Jen Saves Ben,” features an animated Lopez who must find and rescue Affleck, who has been kidnapped and chained to a warehouse wall.

“J. Lo has to get him back but doesn’t know where he’s gone,” said Brad Graeber of Texas-based Powerhouse Animation Studios, the company that created the game.

As she karate-kicks her way through the game, Lopez must face an animated Smith, who totes a ray-gun, and an evil-robot Matt Damon.

…on second thought, that does sound pretty damn funny. And it does leave room for the sequel: Jen Saves Ben II: Marriage On The Rocks. In that game, Jen must deflect booze bottles, fangirls, and needles from corrupting young Ben and prematurely ending their marriage. By premature, of course, I mean that the marriage would end in 6 months, rather than the standard year, depending on how bloodthirsty your lawyers are.

Took a slight Holiday sabbatical to relax after a hard few weeks of work. Playing golf and drinkin’ margaritas. Too bad Bolt Boy had to bitch out, or we’d be enjoying some fine cigars and making crass sexist jokes. Don’t get mr wrong, the lil woman comes with numerous benefits, but cigar smokins and sexism they ain’t.

By the by, if you hadn’t heard about Christina Aguilera posing in Playboy over at Solo’s, now you know. And knowing is half the uh… somethingorother.

Huzzah for crappy puns! Im currently amidst a sea of unwashed contemporaries awaiting the arrivals of our loved ones at Los Angeles International airport. I was about to post when a guy asked, “Hey, is that a Hiptop???”, at which point I entered sales pitch mode. When it comes to techno geeks, I may as well have a firm set of tits and an apple of an ass when it comes to making an impression.

Anyway, now that Im nice and toasted from the nearby cantina, I feel it’s time to drop some holiday science on ya. First off, don’t show up early to pick people up from the airport. Not my choice, mind you. Id rather my loved ones wait in a terminal then me, because at least they can meander in the “ticketholders only” areas that contain the only restaurants and bookstores within the immediate area. We had to walk 15 minutes to find a newsstand and a beer. And another thing, Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez are on too goddamn many magazine covers this month. I say enough with the girls who’s bosoms have already been bared onscreen. Time to concentrate our attention on those who’s endowments remain a mystery. Besides, I could give a fuck about Lopez’s marriage to Affleck. If I wanted to read about doomed marriages I’d hook OJ up with the heiress to a cutlery empire.

Gotta go, the family’s here. Thanks for your time.

Just a quickie about a quickie gone awry. It’s work safe for those of you who care, unless your work has something against profanities. Personally, I think everyone in a cubicle-caged environment would feel much better with a cute profane surname, like Mr. Cockbiter or Ms. Fuckserwaytothetop. Something to bring all of that nasty office gossip out into the open where it can fester and boil.