Author: Sharkey

[ Girl Sues Over Getting Detentions ]

A 15-year-old girl says she is going to sue her education authority over detentions which she claims breached her civil rights.

The family, who want compensation, will argue that the detentions were unlawful because they took place in Freya’s free time.

Mother Annie McDonald told the Daily Express the detentions had had a bad effect on her daughter’s well-being, her confidence and her health.

…just when I was feeling all holiday-giddy, and in a generally pleasant spirit, some cunt over in Europe has to bring me down. It’s really sad to get yourself so high on yule tidings, only to have it torn apart because someone’s mother is a litigation whore. Great.

Then, of course, I think about the winged monkeys that will soon be descending upon their abode, clawing at eyes and humping the sockets with malicious fervor, and I get a warm, fuzzy tingling in my nether regions. Is that bad? Good. Happy Post Christmas everybody.

What with all of the SPAM and files that go through my system, I have to format a couple of times per year, minimum. This latest time, I figured since I was getting a new hard drive, I may as well let the viruses wreak havoc on my files for a couple of weeks without NAV to protect it. Now that my new HD is installed and Norton Antivirus is up and running, I ran a simple scan of the system. Here’s what the results were:

Christ almighty, not only did it take an hour to scan 40 gigs of who knows what, but it had more viruses than a tiajuana whorehouse. Looks like it’s time to put a rubber on my computer before I go surfing for pr0n.

Apparently there’s a little shithole just up North of me that is quite interested in selling itself… on eBay, no less. Pretty Goddamn amazing when you consider that the seller only has experience eBaying fine tea sets and antique lamps. Perhaps they’re just selling the town piece by piece, before the big sale.

If you ask me, and you know you were going to, this might actually be a profitable venture. Think of the possibilities of owning an entire town. For one thing, the ability to forgo any zoning permissions and fire permits would be an amazing opportunity for any Hollywood studio. Imagine if they could blow the whole fucking place up for minimal costs! No cgi necessary for blowing shit up, just grab some dynamite and send our shitty little town to Valhalla! Imagine not having to pay those damned Korean animators to napalm a poorly rendered cgi town. Just grab a few teamsters and some kegs of napalm and you can turn this peaceful little rustic town into Arnold Schwarzenegger’s next pile of post-battle rubble! They’ve apparently just built a new bridge. Let’s blow the motherfucker to pieces, shall we? I know Bay and Bruckheimer would be down for this. Blowing up unneccessary shit is their motto only second to “put a colored lens on fucking everything”.

Let’s pool some cash together. I say we all invest, and put this town to good use. If the studios don’t want it, we can always use the place to train the simian whordes, or i dunno, raise future Playboy bunnies. If about a million and a half of us donate 1 dollar, we can all get in on a piece of the action. Imagine if the town made 40 million from letting different studios, or just pyromaniacs, burn parts of the place to cinders? We’d all make like, 40 bucks! Plus, we’d have a barbershop to throw bitchin’ keggers! So pledge your money today, it’ll go to good use:

Disclaimer: If the necessary funds are not acquired, all money appropriated to the BAMFs Buy And Blow Up Bridgeville Fund will be immediately reappropriated to the Get Sharkey Drunker Than Shit Fund, and all rights of ownership to said funds will be forfeit. God bless.

I decided to stop by Carl’s Jr. on my way home this morning for a post-Christmas-crash breakfast. After giving my order, the drive-thru attendant replied in Spanglish: “Thankyew fahhr choosing Carljunior on dees lovely lovely day.”

Being that it’s the post Christmas season, do I have the heart to bring up the fact that it’s pitch fucking black out and cloudy to the woman, or just assume that her only learned English phrases are the one above, the names of each menu item, and the words “No Egg”? I opted for the latter, except for one slight miscalculation in assuming that she might understand the no egg bit. Fuckers.

[ Yeah, that’s a shame ]

[ IHumpThings.com ] – your resource for pictures of people uh… humping inanimate objects.

This one is mainly for the forum kiddies because I do beleive that there is one famous picture of a forumgoer humping a tree, and your mission today, my friends, is to find it and post it to ihumpthings. First person to get it to me, then post it to them, gets a free custom title, to have or to bestow. Your choice.

*Grabs M16 assault rifle and flack jacket*

One more trip to the mall before my Christmas shopping is done. Wish me luck. If I don’t make it back, tell Natalie that I love her.

I know, with the holiday season upon us it seems that I haven’t been very attentive to you, my thousands upon thousands of Internet lovers. Tis a shame, but between work and fighting whordes of angry mothers at the mall, I’ve had no time to even surf for pr0n. I know, it’s alright. Sacrifices must be made.

However, last night after wearing out the lil’ woman I realized that her car needed to be moved (goddamn homeowners association and their towing nazis). So I, the chivalrous one (or the only person who was awake) decided to take a cold, barefoot 2am drive from one parking spot to the next. When I arrived at my destination, I realized that in my sleep deprived haze I had foolishly forgotten my own keys. After trying unsuccessfully to wake up my sleeping girlfriend, (including throwing rocks at my own windows for ten minutes) I had to actually drive across the Goddamn street to In-n-Out to find a payphone. I tried her cell phone about 8 times to no avail, so I started calling my phone. On the third ring, she finally picked up. Joy washed over my face immediately. And just as immediately, she hung it up. …fuck. I called again, it was immediately hung up. Five more times I was hung up on, until she finally decided to answer.

“H-Hello?” she answered, obviously frightened.

“Why the FUCK have you been hanging up every goddamn time I’ve called?”

“I..I thought you were a prank caller!” Great. Not only am I freezing my balls off, but now my girlfriend has decided to go retarded. It took a total of thirty frozen minutes to get inside, but it did teach me a valuable lesson. Don’t neglect your readers, or you may find yourself half naked and shoeless outside In N Out at 2am wishing for death. Or, the death of someone special to you.

Merry Christmas.

Holy shit, this is fun. After 5 hours of holiday shopping at the local mall, I can use all the violent outlets of aggression that I can get my mitts on.

Just in case some of you give a shit about gaming news, the amazingly amazing bonus disc that comes with the Japanese version of the new Gamecube Zelda has been officially confirmed by Nintendo to be included in the March 24th stateside release, provided you pre-order the game. This, I guess, is the official official announcement, rather than the just plain official announcement that took place last week, and the unofficial announcement the week before that. We won’t even get into the official rumor dates, because honestly, it’s just backstage politics. What that means, I have no idea. But it sounds good, so we’ll leave it at that.

Now on to my thoughts on the latest installment of Lord Of The Rings, just because I know you’ll sit here and read it. *Ahem* I do apologize to the hardcore nerds out there who reminded me that it was Shelob, not Ungoliant, who should’ve been at the end of the film. You proud nitpickers should be proud of yourselves. Your selfless act of forgoing any kind of sexual contact with females in exchange for your useless database of knowledge is a constant reminder to us all that excellence can and must be achieved. That said, let’s get into the nitty gritty.

First off, I think that the flick could’ve been better, and I don’t remember thinking that after seeing Fellowship for the first time. There were differences in character development, and added/removed scenes that I found to be baffling. First of all, I always saw Theoden as more of a kick-ass-now-take-names-later kind of king, at least after Wormtongue was outta the picture. Now he’s kind of wishy-washy, and that frankly makes me sad in the pants. Secondly, Bolt Boy brought up the fact that Faramir was certainly not so power hungry in the book. He didn’t have the same kind of weakness towards the ring that Boromir had, and that was what made him so cool later on in Return Of The King.

Next up, the additions. Am I wrong, or was the whole battle where Aragorn fell off the cliff not even in the Goddamn book? That’s valuable minutes that could be spent showing something that was actually in the book, Jackson. Not to mention the Arwen stuff, which no doubt everyone thinks could be toned down at least a bit. I’m not objecting to her role in the film, I think it adds to the quality of the movie. But for God’s sake, it was boring. Boring boring boring. Get on the boat, don’t get on the boat. What the fuck ever. Personally, if I were Aragorn I’d say screw the chick who can’t make up her mind, I’ve got a girl who could kick Rambo’s ass ready to mouthify my wang without so much as a cup of coffee. Besides, she’s probably a bobcat in the sack. And there’s no possibility that she’ll be bitching and moaning about how she wasted eternity to watch your ass get fatter, and no need to deal with crabby parents with bushy eyebrows, because they’re dead! *Sigh*, although Liv would be hard to get over, I think the money that comes from knocking up the neice of Rohan’s king would help me get over it, especially once I’m a king and can give any passing concubine the “royal treatment”.

By the way, from the trailer it really looked like Legolas was sliding down the stairs on the soles of his feet, not fucking “Elf Snowboarding”. Fucking misleading advertisements.

Aside from the aforementioned drawbacks, and the extremely choppy beginning, I still think that it was a great film. The problem with liking a film such as this is that you have way too much room to nitpick. That’s why I still assert that I loved the movie. The cgi was great (except the hobbits on the shoulders of the Ents) especially Gollum. I was fucking flabbergasted at how well they portrayed Gollum, especially the duality of the character. Unfortunately the creepy arguments between himself and uh.. himself came off more slapstickish than frightening, as evidenced by the roaring laughter by the crowd. But still, he is a pinnacle in the realm of cg-created actors. The acting was pretty damned good too, and the battle scene nearly had me peeing in my seat. Well, that, and the twelve cokes I had standing in line all day.

To recap: Gimli as mere comedic relief – bad. Gollum, Gollum, Gollum – good. I guess since everyone and their mother seemed to adore the film, I figured I should highlight a few of the imperfections that made it seem a little less grand to me than the first one. I’m sure the special edition DVD will help out with this, but in the meantime I think I’ll still enjoy seeing it in the theatre another dozen times.

First impressions: great, although very choppy in the beginning. However, I can’t think of any way to rectify this without having the movie be about 5 hours. Although some things could have been thrown out to remedy this a bit, it was a good flick. But Goddamn it, wasn’t Ungoliant at the end of the book? They kinda cut the sucker off a bit short, which I hope leaves enough room for everything in Return Of The King. But I know it won’t, so I may as well prepare myself for disappointment now. Although I should be thankful that we’ve got such great films to accompany the books. At least Peter Jackson is living up to most people’s expectations, rather than shitting on a beloved franchise. Speaking of which, I think I’ll watch Star Wars: Episode II tomorrow to remind myself of how good we’ve got it.