Author: Sharkey

This is why I hate damn near everyone. You need me in a position of total control in this country, because we’d all feel so much better about ourselves after watching our enemies being publicly purple-nurpled. WHOOT WHOOT!

I know a lot of you must be watching Joe Millionaire like I am, because the show is maniacally evil. And maniacal evil, of course, will be a cornerstone of my platform for world domination. So far it seems like $50 Million, uh… I mean Evan, has macked on a few chicks, and probably gone to third base with that Sarah chicks, if the slurping and moaning sounds are to be believed. Since she’s just a moneygrubbing skank like the rest (except the Disneyesque Zora *sigh*) it’s not that hard to beleive that she’d attempt a little judge-swaying by displaying her skills at wang mouthification. However, we can’t cast any aspersions on her morals for something that we can’t prove.

So let’s cast aspersions on her morals for something that we CAN prove, shall we? Foot fetish porn is, after all, second only to punching disabled senior citizens in the realm of moral bankruptcy.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Thanks Daryl)

No need for any of the real reading, the picture is worth a thousand words.

Seems that a Portugese student is under investigation after spraying toxic gas into his classroom to delay having to take a math test. A tad overzealous, but effective. Well, if winding up behind bars is effective, but sacrifices must be made.

The test was canceled and the 16-year-old’s teacher and six other pupils were taken to a hospital Monday, complaining of irritation, but were discharged shortly afterwards.

“He didn’t have much idea of the consequences. It was the first incident of its type at this school and the case is still under investigation,” the spokeswoman said in Santa Maria da Feira, near Portugal’s second city Oporto.

Now, I don’t like to go blaming the media in situations like this, but I don’t know how else the little bastard could’ve concocted a scheme like this without a little television tutelage. But where on Earth could he have seen a show that would teach him to sabotage a class with such an extravagant stunt just to delay a math test? Hmm…

Zach mischief brought to you by X-E.

Have they got the Superstation in Lisbon? Damn you AOL Time Warner, is there no end to your evil deeds?

Well, there’s not much to say about Harry Knowles starting up a gaming site. Actually, that’s a damned dirty lie, there are all kinds of expletives roaming around due to this piece of news. However, since I’m knee deep in playing with my fantastic new Wacom tablet and this phenomenal program, I figured I’d spend ten minutes and whip up a sketch of what I believe will be the future of the gaming industry after fatty decides to shuffle through it.

This sketching stuff is grand. Sometimes it can be hard to bring my visions to life with mere words, so these illustrations can help. Maybe tomorrow I’ll draw up our plans for using Quebec as the world’s largest golf course/parking lot. Full color illustrations of what we’ll do with the inhabitants to follow.

I know, we have a movies section. But do any of you really even try looking in there anymore? I run the place, and I haven’t looked in there since the Clinton administration. Anyway, I’d just like to go over some of the shizzle in our summer blockbuster nizzle, that has me salivating like Harry Knowles at a Vegas buffet. If you missed the Superbowl (fucking commie), you missed some great movie trailers.

First on the list is The Hulk, with Ang Lee handling the directin’ and Jennifer Connelly directin’ the handling. And by handling I mean the self-handling you’ll be doing at home after seeing her in this flick. I just pray that this flick doesn’t wind up becoming another comic-book stinkfest like The Punisher. But no fear, you cannot stick a guy who’s name phonetically sounds so close to the main character he’s playing (Bana:Banner) into a film without that film coming out as the celluloid representation of solid gold. Plus, there’s destruction galore and the aforementioned Connely. Failure is not an option here.

Next up is The Matrix, which is probably the most anticipated flick of the summer, so I really don’t need to discuss it at all. Just don’t let it suck, or nerds everywhere will suffer a horrifying revelation: Carrie Ann Moss is not very hot. Shhh…

Let’s see, then there’s Terminator 3, which, if you take statistics into account, will probably suck rancid ass out of a straw. I think I used my daily quota of similes in that first paragraph alone, so I’ll have to cut this one short.

Bruce Almighty looks fairly funny, and I hope for Adam Sandler’s sake that his new flick Anger Management isn’t a huge pile, or he’ll be lucky if they let his ass back on SNL. BTW, their halftime show was fucking amazing. (I ain’t restin’ until there’s a black Keebler elf in that damn cartoon!) Anyway, it’s late and I’m done digging up the trailers that I wanted to see again and regurgitating them at you. I’ll leave you with this one final note: Go see Darkness Falls, it’s the one big surprise of the season.

By the way, the big surprise is when you find that you’ve clawed your own fucking eyes out in freakish agony, and somehow reached a state of complete inner peace. At least, that is, until you realize that you can still hear it…

I just saw a commercial for a law firm who is asking for any clients who have been sexually abused by Catholic priests to call their toll-free number for information on representation so that the victims can “hold the wrongdoers accountable”. This is quite possibly the best thing on TV to date. An ad asking anyone who’s blown Father Dowling to cash in quick. Smell that, lawyers? That’s the fucking smell of opportunity! Or is it fire and brimstone? This almost makes me sad that the whole suit against McDonalds didn’t go through. Imagine the commercials for that lawsuit.

“Attention Americans, are you so fat that neighborhood children cry when they hear you exclaim ‘I’m hungry’? Are you so morbidly obese that when you get a papercut it bleeds a solution mainly comprised of pork fat? Are you so Goddamned repulsively rotund that a pitchfork looks like a standard eating utensil in your brobdingnagianly colossal mitts? Well my dear friends, have we got the lawsuit for you! Did you know that it’s not your fault you’re a big fat load? Nope, it’s McDonald’s fault for not telling you that brushing your teeth with Ranch dressing and gargling with milkshakes is not an effective way to keep a slim and slender figure! Call now to sue the pants off of them, and we’ll throw in this delicious Christmas ham! It’s a few weeks old by now, but with that hoover vacuum of a maw you’ve got, it won’t make a lick of difference! Oh yeah, almost forgot! If a Catholic priest ever somehow managed to molest your disgustingly immense form, give us a call, we’ll throw in some stale pie!”

I’m a little bitter because I’m suffering from insomnia and the only thing on is Suburban Commando. Share in my pain, my friends. Share and share alike.

You can thank Tazz for sending in our latest slice, pictures and all. I wholeheartedly agree with her slice-worthiness, especially considering the fact that my girlfriend makes me watch her on that Goddamn Buffy show every now and again. And I’ll bet ten bucks I get forced to see this guaranteed-to-suck-balls flick Darkness Falls starring her, so I figure I may as well exhibit to you the only reason for sitting in front of that screen for 90 minutes. Guys, I give you the lovely Emma Caulfield.

Hooray for pie, hooray for booze. My Friday night may not be a total wash. Better pack the NyQuil, just in case.

You know, being a conservative fellow, it’s an odd time when there is such a wide divide in support for your political party’s decisions, especially when that party is in control of the Presidency. However, it’s always nice to know that there are some charming Democrats out there who want to fuck up their own party under the guise of trying to help. Kind of like a Mr. Magoo of helpfulness, fucking up everyone’s universe while just trying to get a damned cup of coffee. Soon enough, the Dems will get their Magoo back, in the form of Jerry Springer.

Talk show host Jerry Springer has a secret of his own to share: He’s considering running for the U.S. Senate next year.

Springer, a Democrat, said he’ll decide by summer whether to challenge George Voinovich, a Republican who has said he’ll run for a second term in 2004.

“I want to be helpful in rebuilding the party,” he said. “Whether I have to be a candidate is a totally separate issue. … I don’t need a job.”

I know, he was a Mayor back in the 80s, but who gives a shit about that. You can’t sit and mediate a show containing 400lb Klan members who’s mothers are dating black womenin prison without coming out of it a little bit “tweaked”. True, he’s probably got expertise in diffusing explosive situations, such as stopping a buck toothed redneck from bashing his wife in the head with a folding chair, but I sincerely doubt that this will translate well to the Senate floor. Somehow I doubt that Trent Lott is going to try ripping out his seat and clobbering Hillary Clinton with it… although I might watch more CSPAN if he did.

Where was I? Ah, whatever. Good luck Jerry, if nothing else, you might get more half naked women on the tube.

I’m not sure what the reaction will be to this. For the most part, I haven’t been able to laugh at a lot of the stuff contained in Tardblog, a blog written by a special ed teacher about her daily trials and tribulations with her “tards”, but every now and again there are some true gems. And I know that for even slightly enjoying this, I will have to answer to someone someday.

— I am reading “Red Racer” to the kids. It is about a girl who tries to ruin her bike so her parents will buy her a new one. One page describes the sound as her bike goes over a cliff like this “bong, bong, bong.” Ivan raised his hand and said his dad has a bong

–I got a Starbucks gift card from a girl whose mom has attempted suicide numerous times. The gift card was for 20 bucks. I was slightly excited about it, because this is finally a gift I can use, as opposed to the normal tard gifts. I tried to use it the next day. The Starbucks cashier swiped it, and then asked me to wait while she got a manager. The card had never been activated! The mother had jacked it from Starbucks without considering the whole activation aspect.

Some of the stories are messed up, some are hilarious, and some are just really fucking sad. Especially the ones concerning the parents of these poor kids. Anyway, I just finished up by reading the story about the “mom with the deer suit”, so I’m feeling fairly unsettled. I think I’ll down the leftover NyQuil and hit the sack.