Author: Sharkey

[ Thailand Launches “Breast Boosting” Campaign ]

It’s a national campaign to increase breast sizes naturally, since the city has such an abundance of cheap, and sometimes dangerous plastic surgery. Bless their hearts, and the delicious fleshy areas that surround their hearts.

What the fuck?

…What the fuck?

No really, What the fuck?

I got a million wierd little links in my inbox yesterday, these are just some of the less “work safe” ones. Nice that I let you know that after you’ve clicked on them, right? And seriously, why is the author of that last set of links allowed to roam freely, let alone run what seems to be a vacation rental resort? That’s just asking for trouble on a Psycho / I Still Know What You Did Last Summer kind of level. Not only are chicks going to get slaughtered in the shower, but you’ll have Brandy roaming around showcasing her talents, or lack thereof. And if that isn’t enough to make you keep your dead mother’s body in a room and become a cross-dresser, I don’t know what is.

…Carry on.

I’ll bet you’re sitting at your desk right now, loathing the fact that you have to sit in a cubicle so close to that cockmaster who likes to come by every Monday and talk to you about his obviously falsified weekend of debauchery, when all you really want is to grab your fucking coffee, read a few websites, and stave off your urges to murder every fucking person within your field of vision. Well, psycho, I’ve got something that might cheer you up. “Steven The Dell Dude” is in jail. Yeah, it’s like porn on a Friday afternoon, isn’t it? Calm as an empty toilet.

Hey, dude, you’re getting a cell! Benjamin Curtis, the 22-year old actor who portrays “Steven,” the Dell Guy, in those bothersome computer commercials, was arrested late last night (2/9) on a marijuana possession charge, The Smoking Gun has learned. According to cops, Curtis was holding a “small bag of marijuana” when he was popped on Manhattan’s Lower East Side (at Ludlow and Rivington for you Gothamites). Curtis is currently being held in Central Booking and is scheduled to be arraigned later today in Manhattan Criminal Court. Curtis, who lives in lower Manhattan, was charged with criminal possession of marijuana, a misdemeanor. Bonnie Shumofsky, the actor’s agent, said she was unaware of her client’s bust when contacted this morning by TSG.

I know, it’s just a pot bust, which makes it funnier to pick on since we all probably figured that another web icon would be the first to go down on a drug charge. Oh well. The thing is, Steven hasn’t been in Dell’s latest round of ads, so it’s not like we needed this to get rid of him. This is kind of like kicking a guy when he’s down, really. It’d be downright mean to do a ‘Shop job at this point.

…so I’m mean. That’s an understatement, isn’t it? Normally I’m spitting fire and burning villages on Monday mornings. Maybe I need a cup of coffee.

Since I dedicated one of the longest posts in the history of this site to bashing the stupidity of some ignorant couch-potato leftists, enjoy a little article that points out some of the oversimplifications that us righties enjoy. The difference, of course, is that this article is hilarious in it’s oversimplifications, whereas the comments that I previously discussed are just random stupidity that more than likely results from years of inbreeding and a mouth that can’t stay shut. Sounds kind of like a Kennedy family reunion. Hooray for stereotypical oversimplification, a word which has unfortunately been used far too liberally in one short paragraph. G’night.

When it comes to politics, damned near 100% of Americans (or perhaps all people in general) are complete fucking idiots. Oddly enough, nearly 100% of these complete fucking idiots, when asked, have a fairly strong idea of what we should do regarding the escalating situation in Iraq. Sure, on the news a lot of people are undecided. But if you could get a one-on-one with each of them and ask, you’d get a wide array of particularly egotistical answers such as “I’d just off that Saddaam and get it over with” or “Bush is a war monger, we should just keep our noses out of other people’s business”. Thankfully, these twits are no closer to controlling the fate of our nation than they are to proving that one of the eleven herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken is crack, thus keeping the black man perpetually “down”.

Now, I don’t want to go off on my personal politics regarding the situation, because quite frankly, I know that I’m not a political genius. I know that I am ill-informed, no matter how much CNN I force-feed myself. However, since I am more informed than most, I would like to take this opportunity to verbally cock-punch many of the retarded waste-of-carbon life forms that I have to interact with every day. Let me start with those of you who like to regurgitate whatever “hip” catch phrase that has entered your feeble little grey matter after catching a couple of minutes of Ted Koppel.

First off, I never want to hear the fucking phrase “If only Bush hadn’t stolen the election…” again. Because honestly, if the situation were reversed, the other half of America would be saying the same fucking thing about Gore. And instead of you making fun of Bushisms, we’d all be falling asleep during the State of the Union. Then a few hundred Saudi’s would get gassed, and we’d all wake up and wonder why someone had to harsh on our power nap. Another one that pisses me off is “Bush is only in this to get revenge for them tryin’ to shoot his daddy.” When God placed you on planet Earth, did he tell you that you’d have mental retardation or were you expected to figure it out on your own? Every fucking President has to expect that someone is going to take a potshot at him. Shit, if I were President I’d imagine a lot more people would want me dead. Would I take it personally? No. Would I expect my son to one day create the most expensive military endeavor to date, just to take a piece back for his old man? Something tells me I’d get him some fucking decaf first. To think that Goddamn Congress would go along with something like this out of revenge for a President who didn’t even get seriously injured is just pathetic. But you know what’s even more pathetic? Most of you probably graduated high school, what does that say for American education?

Another one I want to touch on is a quote I heard just yesterday after Colin Powell’s address: “If like, 75% of Americans think that we should stay out of it, don’t you think that we should do what the American people want?” …Please. If the American public’s combined political intelligence were measured as if it were a Hollywood heartthrob, it would fall somewhere between Clint Howard and the “Before” version of Jared, the Subway guy. The American public has a track record of completely cocking up political predictions. Want proof? Around 1940, while Jews were just starting to be introduced to showers that were used for a different kind of cleansing, nearly 90% of the American public thought that we should keep out of it. Nobody thought that Hitler was worth our time, because he was too small to accomplish the goals he had so clearly outlined in “Mein Kampf”. He was Time’s Man Of The Year for God’s sake. And it took sacrificing the lives of 2400 people at Pearl Harbor in December of 1941 before the public (not the government) decided that maybe this “Axis of Evil” was something that we should seriously look into. If Hitler were alive today, he’d be a recurring character by Chris Kattan on Saturday Night Live. Because we’ve seen Saddaam so much on television, we’ve almost endeared him as a sort of cartoonish villain. Sure he’s evil, sure he might use his unaccounted for FOUR TONS OF FUCKING NERVE GAS to slaughter some more innocents, but for cryin’ out loud, we don’t need to go to war over it. Just change the channel, I think Joe Millionaire is on.

I think I’ve rambled on for far too long. Just remember the next time you spout that idiotic “we’re only invading because of the oil!” rhetoric, consider this little tidbit. How would you like to be paying ten bucks a gallon the next time you go to fill up your Goddamn Excursion? Yeah, now invading a country filled with soldiers who wouldn’t think twice about slitting your throat and spitting on your grave doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, does it? Sure, it’s not our primary concern, and it seems a tad bit extreme, but that’s going to seriously cut into my Grande Latte’ budget!

I love this country, I really do. If only I could do something to get rid of my shitheaded neighbors, it’d be perfect.

I put up a gallery of Tatu for you all to enjoy, (thanks to everyone for suggesting places to look) along with singular galleries of Julia Volkova and her “special friend” Lena Katina, just in case their solo work demands that single shots be included. And by solo work, I mean solo naked work.

Speaking of skin, there’s a little bit of nudity in those galleries. Are those chicks old enough? They sure run around in wet t-shirts like they are.

Thanks for Bill Burns for tipping me off to the lesbian pop-music antics of the two lil’ hotties in TATU. I’m sure their music sucks ass, but making out in the video, ie: playing to my inner pervert, is exactly the way to get me to listen to your pointless ear-busting drivel. Worked for Britney, right? Besides, lesbians always make me think of a quote from Paul Riser (unfortunately) which boils down every man’s feelings on the situation: “I like lesbians because it’s naked, its fun, and I agree with both of them.”

By the way, I now need a gallery of TATU for SOTD, any of you up to the challenge?

Ho-leeeee shit. I don’t know if the story is bullshit or not, but if it isn’t, life is going to be grand. Like the piano, only instead of the ivory keys, you’ve got 14-fucking-minute orgasms.

The worst episode surrounding the drug, however, involved two traffic fatalities on a German autobahn last July when Retalanaline testers Dieter Krupshank and his girlfriend Molly Wentholtz died under mysterious circumstances. Police can only speculate on what happened, but they believe the couple were engaged in sexual activity and that Retalanaline played a part in the mishap. When the bodies were finally exhumed from the couple’s demolished Mercedes Benz, Dieter Krupshank’s pants were around his ankles and Molly’s face still lay in his lap, her mouth still agape on his sexual anatomy. “The drug must have kicked in while they were fooling around,” said Vanweilt. “It’s the only way we can explain Dieter crossing the median in broad daylight and driving the wrong way on a one-way autobahn for 13 minutes, finally colliding head-on with a semi-truck from Dresden. It’s really very tragic, because they almost made it, only one more minute to go and they would have been OK. At least we are left with the minor consolation that Dieter and Molly died a very, very happy young couple.”

Probably bullshit, but if it isn’t, I know what I want for Christmas. I don’t care if it grows hair on my ass and turns my pee into a toxic nerve gas, I’ll by a new extendable razor and a gas mask if it’ll make my “O face” a near-permanent fixture on my normally placid mug.

Does he do this shit to himself on purpose?

“If there were no children on this earth, if someone announced all kids were dead, I would jump off the balcony immediately.”

— MICHAEL JACKSON, father of three, in an interview with a British documentary maker.

Wow. So many jokes are running through my brain that I just might overheat and set off the smoke detector. God bless you Michael, for doing my job for me.

Looks like things are back to normal. I guess that means the redesign and such can go back to its normal schedule of me sitting on my ass planning to finish it, you rolling your eyes at the fact that it will take forever and a day, and me going to the kitchen for a coke and not coming back until the next day. Ad infinitum.

By the way, Boondock Saints is ridiculously grand. I hadn’t even seen it until around October, which I now see to be the heinous crime that it truly was.