Author: Sharkey

My dad is in town for a tournament tomorrow morning, so we all got together for dinner at a rib joint. I’m not sure that these pork-pushing establishments enjoy being slapped with the “joint” surname, but it doesn’t exactly seem right to call them “restaurants”. Personally, I think that any place which provides a service that requires you to thoroughly sterilize your hands and mouth with those sanitizing napkins deserves to be labeled a “joint”. It just fits, doesn’t it? Rib joints, pizza joints, chicken wing joints, brothel joints. Fine American institutions, all across the board.

Jesus, how much can I babble before getting to the actual point? Anyway, our waiter was straight out of a cartoon, if the cartoon was middle-aged, covered in bronzing creme, and treated customers like visiting foreign dignitaries as opposed to the fat, barbeque sauce swilling pigs that they are. I’ve never had a waiter shake my hand at the conclusion of a meal before, but now I can proudly say that this milestone has been accomplished. I’d wager he wiped his ass with it beforehand, but what an interesting gesture. Made it a little harder to get mad at him when he grabbed my girlfriend’s ass on the way out, too.

A tad late, but worth the wait. Today’s slice was in Not Another Teen Movie, and can be seen in all sorts of bisexually-suggestive pictures over at SOTD. So why don’t you head on over and check out Chyler Leigh right now.

Somebody please inform Ms. Leigh that after being the star of a teen parody, it is in her contract to do bit roles in soft-porn? I know it’s a lie, but some lies are necessary, for the good of mankind.

Three men died in Kenya while trying to retrieve a cell phone from a latrine that a University student dropped into it while “dropping the kids off at the pool.” It’s… it’s not a pleasant read.

University student Dora Mwabela dropped the phone into the latrine while she was answering a call of nature, the Daily Nation newspaper reports. She offered a reward of 1,000 shillings ($13) for anyone who could recover the phone, worth 6,000 shillings. Most Kenyans survive on less than $1 a day.

“The fumes inside must be extremely poisonous considering the short time it was taking to disable the retrievers,” he said.

Heartwarming. Especially when you imagine that the university chick that sent these poor bastards to their shit-infested asphyxiation deaths was someone like this.

Hey, I found Madonna’s last shred of talent! Too bad I didn’t discover it until now, after the sand of time have ravaged her good looks, and countless men have ravaged damned near everything else.

Hey look, the Beastie Boys released a new song, free to download and it’s… it’s… oh shit.

Well Ill be sleeping on your speeches til I start to snore
Cause I wont carry guns for an oil war
As-Salamu alaikum, wa alaikum assalam
Peace to the Middle East peace to Islam
Now dont get us wrong cause we love America
But thats no reason to get hysterica
Theyre layin on the syrup thick
We aint waffles we aint havin it

“Being together, writing and recording, we felt it would be irresponsible not to address whats going on in the world while the events are still current. It didnt make sense to us to wait until the entire record was finished to release this song.”
– Mike D

First off, I don’t want to start rehashing February’s “MY OPINION ON TEH WAR IS RIGHT AND JOO CNAT CHANGE MY MINDZORRSS@#$@” nonsense. I just want everyone to call a spade a spade. This is what we call a “marketing ploy”. Did you see Mike D’s little comment at the end? Why don’t we run it through Sharkey’s Marketing Bullshit Translator (patent pending). When Mike says “irresponsible”, that’s actually a word for “like throwing free publicity away”. And that bit about it not making sense to wait for the album to be finished? That’s because the song has a limited “time value” from a marketing perspective. See, this way they can gather a whole shitload of support for their next album, because a lot of mindless twits who haven’t considered the possibility that spending trillions of dollars on a war to grab some oil doesn’t make sound financial sense. But anyway, in the event that the Beastie Boys waited for their next album to be complete, the war could be over (I give it two weeks, tops) and their song will no longer have any impact. In fact, the war itself could have changed quite a few minds, and the song would have nothing but detrimental value to the band. Releasing it now will gain public favor, that will last even if the listener changes his/her mind about the war in time. The power of positive market branding can hold a lasting impression, especially on MTV-dulled minds.

*Sigh*. This wouldn’t have been such a problem for me if the song wasn’t so shitty. It’s not bad enough that they had to renounce their first few albums, which in my opinion, were the only ones worthy of my time. Now they make tons of money by adding themselves to the steaming masses of crap who perform supreme acts of idiocy for more money.

Jealous? You betcha.

Remember the harp-playing little girl who disappeared about nine months ago? Remember how so many people thought that the parents just offed her or something, and did all this to cover it up? Yeah, looks like we owe someone an apology.

Elizabeth Smart, the 15-year-old girl who vanished from her Salt Lake City bedroom nine months ago, was found alive Wednesday, riding in the car of a drifter who had once done work at the familys home, police said. Miracles do exist, said the girls uncle Tom Smart.

An FBI agent who witnessed the reunion of Elizabeth and her parents, Ed and Lois Smart, told MSNBCs Ashleigh Banfield that the meeting was tearful and private, and that the girl looked just liked the girl in the videotapes that weve been seeing all these months. Banfield quoted the agent as saying: Its too early to even begin to figure what happened to this girl.

How weird, it’s pretty rare when these things turn out in a positive way. The standard news is covering this like crazy. I just saw an interviewer ask the couple who called in whether or not the kidnappers looked “Middle Eastern” to them. Hooray for the news media, in all its resplendant glory.

Nice to have good news on TV though, and I certainly hope that the little girl is OK.

Been awhile since ol’ Sharkey has dipped into the mailbag. Let’s have a look at what you kiddies have to offer this week. Observe and learn a thing or two… or get dumber. That’s the risk you take, baby.

From: Dipshit

So, you don’t like barefeet of dudes that do huh. Well go phuk yourself low-life and get off my planet. Im a 22yo hot white guy, and my boyfriend Chad is 17 and we smell and lick each others barefeet each and every day all day long………aint notin wrong with it dude. so get a frickin life ya looser.

Don’t bother wastin yer time to rigte back, this is a hacked account with a virus attached that is already in your system and won’t open til I tell it to open.

Friggen looser.

I don’t appreciate bare feet of damn near everybody. But that’s just because feet freak this Mofo out. I don’t care where you stick Chad’s “big toe”, just don’t tell me about it, alright? It’s just bad form, old chap. And by the way, it’s my planet. You just have the luxury of turd-burgling your way across it at the moment. Next letter, mister Daniels!

From: Christopher

should a guy ever get a tounge ring to please his woman??

Good question my fellow MoFo, because you should ALWAYS be willing to consider options to pleasing your woman. However, you should always keep in the back of your mind this one nagging thought: “women are the devil.”

As true today, as it was when Adam figured it out on his own. If the woman isn’t willing to please you with some wang mouthification of extroardinary magnitude, why should you even bother wasting your time getting her engine revved? Lemme put it to you this way, young MoFo: If you can get her rocks off already, then the tongue hole is not a necessity. Especially if she’s not going that extra mile to make sure that your wang is sufficiently pleased. If she is, then please, by all means, do whatever it takes to please her. She’s one of God’s chosen children, and should be treated like the delicate wang-happifying flower that she is.

Maybe I should put it into plain English, as I am a bit drunk: “If she makes your wang happy, make her happy. If she doesnt, fuck the bitch, videotape it, and send it to me.”

I’m a tad bit beyond inebriated right now, so I will forgo the normal third e-mail and let you continue with your day. In case you didn’t notice, the Olsen twins are right below this post. You do have a penis, don’t you?

Since I’m about to post something else, I may as well get the SOTD out of the way. And if you call me a pervert, well… you’re right. I run SOTD, what do you expect? Anyway, we finally have a gallery of the most forbidden of all slices… the unholy Olsen Twins. It shames me to say that they are hot. But shame seems to have a pants-tightening effect, so that’s OK.

I know, I know, they’re like, a year-and-a-half from legality. Like that would stop any of you. Most of you would pay good money for look at an actual boob, let alone one the heretofore-unforseen mamms that lie beneath the lucky cloth that clothe the tits of the Olsen Twins. So don’t go judging me. Not until I post something, anyway. I might be drunk, so judge liberally.

I’d like to thank Andrew for pointing me in the right direction of today’s slice, who is one of the hottest things I’ve seen to come out of Canada since I set fire to those visiting Maple Leafs fans. …I mean, since I watched those Maple Leafs fans set fire to themselves and scream for mercy… I uh… shit. Well, don’t look at me like that. The bastards had the audacity to talk back when I mocked their usage of “Maple Leafs” instead of “Maple Leaves”. Arrogant Canucks, think they can just forget grammatical law when they cross the Goddamn border.

Oh right, the boobs. Gentlemen, meet the delicious Elisha Cuthbert.

Stop drooling bastards, you’re embarassing America. Wait, she lives here now? Has for years, you say? Oh. Well thanks again for another gracious export Canada. We’ll send you some more overpriced cars and pencils for your trouble.

I dunno what you would expect, the guy is famous for writing songs and banging starlets, not diffusing intense political situations. Bickering about whether or not he used a fucking word correctly is a true waste of time. Time that would be better spent on more useful endeavors, like finding out whether or not Britney let him deploy troops into all Southern regions.