Author: Sharkey

[ Telegraph Article: “I was a naive fool to be a human shield for Saddam” ]

Well, somebody give this braniac a medal. I think he’s just tested out of remedial first grade common sense. I’d honestly like to meet someone who wouldn’t be as fucking surprised as Jerry Falwell waking up naked in a men’s prison shower to learn that Sadaam is not exactly a pleasant fellow. A lot of Iraqis are pleased as punch that we’re lobbing bombs over there, because odds are a lot of them are going to be far better off. And at least the ones who die as casualties of war won’t have to suffer the slow torture that his political opponents are treated to.

But you know, we could give a shit about those people and help ’em out (sorry if it’s not the way you’d do it, but who the Hell are you anyway?) Or you can drink your Frappuccino while blocking the streets in San Francisco because you can’t see past your own foolish beliefs that we’re only doing this for oil to even consider that it “might” be a good idea. But that’s alright. We’ll let those civilians over there toil and perish under the thumb of a tyrannical warlord who’d slit their throats for lookin’ at him funny, simply because the never-had-a-real-job college crowd won’t stand for us going to war without a “perfect” reason. Kind of a stereotypical view of the situation, I know. But I’m a dick, deal with it.

Personally, if it were me I’d do it for the oil alone and burn the protesters with acid. But that’s why we have mood altering medications these days.

Did you know that Charisma Carpenter was the first slice of the day way back in 1999, when we first started doing (semi) regular SOTDs? Fun fact for you.

She’s also from Vegas, did you know that? She’s also not getting any younger, so Charisma, you’ve got the name and the hometown. Start getting naked. It’s the law.

…it’s like Livin’ On A Prayer, but without the 80s hair and the sissy lead singer. Sorry Jersey, but it’s time to let go. Anyway, I just stumbled across bumwines, which lists some of the cheaper ways that our nation’s homeless folk get sauced. One of the more prestigious (which I hope is not an oxymoron in this case) wines listed is ol’ T-bird, or Thunderbird as it is more commonly known. I was pleased to see this on the list, as I introduced it to Bolt Boy and some members of my crew (musn’t forget just how white I am) to this fine beverage just a couple of weeks ago. See, they were deprived of the tragic pleasure of being a 17-year-old in search of cheap booze. I was waxing nostalgic, and wanted to relive those days again. Needless to say, after a few chugs on this $2.99 per bottle treat, the boys and girls were very satisfied. Kind of sad in a way that they acheive the simple pleasures of mid-teenaged life in their mid-to-late twenties.

Anyway, since most of you are probably teenagers right now, it’s up to me to play the part of big brother. And as your big brother, I need to instruct you on the cheapest ways to get drunk, and get little highschool chicks drunk in your presence. This list is a good start. Stay away from the shit beers, because horny little highschool cheerleaders do not like beer, let alone beers that taste like canned ass filtered through sweatsocks.

Heed my advice, young ones. Especially the drunkened advice, because it is the most honest. And honesty, or faux honesty really, is what hardens the nipples of your little shitty-poetry-writing-emo-loving-girlfriend. Next time, we’ll discuss how to remove her bra with one hand, while pouring her a delicious-yet-loaded-with-alcohol drink.

Honestly, during times of war they must snort twice the amount of cocaine in Hollywood. There’s no other explanation. Fellow MoFo Xoff wrote in to say “I need to finish removing my eyes from their sockets, now…” regarding this latest travesty to be planned for the big screen. Would you beleive, 32 Candles?

USA Network is currently wrapping up the development of a 16 Candles sequel called…erm…32 Candles. Seriously. After cleaning the vomit from my lap, I learned the “plot”, thin as it is, this is all I was able to find out, so here goes:

Molly Ringwald (she’s on board for sure, and her attachment is kinda vital, I suppose) moves back to her hometown, and starts pining away (very vague, I know) for her boyfriend Jake, who she apparently followed to college. It didn’t work out for reasons I’m still not aware of, and she subsequently lost touch with him.

Anthony Michael Hall, the triumphant hero rolls in, now a multi-millionaire vis-a-vis inventing some goddamn fancy-dancy search engine (‘like Google’ is how it was described to me) and…apparently hilarity ensues?

We should all pool our money together and purchase the rights to the sequels of the brat pack flicks, the American Ninja films, and anything that had Andrew McCarthy in it. Then we head to the top of a raging volcano. We throw in the rights, we throw in the actors/actresses attached to the films, and any writers/producers who would be tapped for such endeavors (sorry John Hughes). Then we film them burning alive, and distribute the tapes to Hollywood moguls everywhere as a lesson. Sober up you pricks, or face the volcano.

Two weeks after that, you know some dickhead would start making calls about scraping together a script for Joe Versus The Volcano II. But then we’d sue for concept theft.

I know, we’ve got more serious issues to worry about, but comedy is comedy kids. Life goes on, people get taxed, and the French… Well, there’s a lot of ways to end that sentence, so I’ll let this comic fill in the blanks. (Thanks Gene)

You’ll pardon me while I wag the dog a little bit, I’m sure none of you will mind a little bit of pie with all the turmoil and such. How about a little bit of British pastry to accompany your breakfast? Here’s the delicious Lisa Snowdon.

I know this is usually where I follow up with some witty commentary, but I’d really just like to know when we’re going to get more pics of the girls from Tatu nude. They’re legal now, right? I heard they were doing Playboy, or some European equivalent. There’s something about that cheesy, soft-porn style mock lesbianism that seems to strike a positive chord in the pants of men worldwide. I am proud to be a member of that proud stereotype. Carry on, brothers and sisters.

What in the Hell.

CLEVELAND In keeping its theme of transparency with financial transactions, one insurance company features a naked man in its annual report. The Progressive insurance company has spiced up its usually straight-laced financial document with photos of a nude 82-year-old man. But don’t worry, the old guy doesn’t reveal all of his hidden assets. Strategically placed hands and knees protect his modesty. Progressive President Glenn Renwick says the bare report is in keeping with the company’s theme of transparency in its financial dealings.

Consequently, Progressive had a shitload of turnover this year. Next year they plan on unveiling their new marketing theme: Plowing Through The Opposition. Here’s their concept next year’s annual report:

…what? Too soon?

Funny thing about Monica Bellucci, she’s in the movie Tears Of The Sun with Bruce Willis at the moment, and she plays a bleeding-heart-toting doctor. She causes a crapload of trouble because she won’t leave the village without the 70 or so refugees that live in it. This is why it is wrong to educate women my friends, they’re nothin’ but trouble.

Alright, alright, let her be edumacated. Just… don’t let her drive. I bet she plucks her eyebrows and talks to her agent while she drives. She can have one or the other. That’s my compromise baby, don’t make me take away your right to vote and wear underpants.

Before today, I was lost in a sea of tumultuous confusion and fright. What will happen to the world in the face of this new war? Where can we look for comfort and security in these uncertain times? Well, my prayers have been answered… in French. Because our old buddies the French have pledged that if Sadaam starts nuking or nerve-gassing anyone in the next few weeks, they might reconsider their ‘anti-war’ stance. Thank God, we’re saved.

“If the war starts and if (President) Saddam Hussein uses chemical or biological weapons, it would change completely the situation for the French president and for the French government, and President (Jacques) Chirac will have to decide what we will do to help the American troops to confront this new situation.

I feel so much better. That’s enough for me, screw the Freedom Fries, and stop pouring that Merlot down the sewer drain. Back to loving the French, like the lovable cowardly lion of the world. Well, more like his one-legged cousin, you cheese loving little rascals.

Maybe it’s just the late hour, but I can’t really recall much that today’s slice was in. She’s just Alicia Witt, that hot strawberry slice who was in that one movie.

She was in Four Rooms, right? And that movie, with the guy? Ahh, who gives a shit, it’s Monday. You’re just happy to see some boobies.