Author: Sharkey

So the whole family and myself (gf included) are at the Magic Kingdom watching a charity show starring my sister. As I type this, there is a fella with a kickass mullet sitting right in front of me. Or… Is it? The lil woman reported on my return from the lavatory that the he is a she with facial hair, and that kisses and boob fondling were exchanged with her equally gargantuan partner, right in front of grandma. I’m sure she thinks that its a dude, I can’t wait to destroy her conservative world after the show.

*watches bull dykes make out*

*shudders*

Today when the dryer turned off, I opened it and the shirt right on the top was perfectly folded the way I usually do it. Is this kind of like when you find Jesus in your waffle at IHOP? Do you tell anyone about it, or keep the magic to yourself? Well, too late for that. I’m a giver. I share.

Remember that Microsoft employee who got arrested for stealing $9 million in software from MS and posting about all the cool shit he “magically” acquired (cars, etc) on his website? No? Let me refresh your memory:

Maybe now you’re catching on. Anyway, no need to keep current on the guy’s story anymore. He’s dead. Drank Antifreeze. …yeah, I uh… that certainly does suck. Boy, it’s not quite as fun to pick on a dead guy when he’s not Sonny Bono. I guess I’ll just have to dig deep and do the best that I can. (Thanks to Scott for the link)

Daniel Feussner died Feb. 7 from ingesting ethylene glycol, the main ingredient in antifreeze, according to the Medical Examiner’s Office. How it happened is unknown; there were no witnesses to his death.

Feussner was arrested at Microsoft’s Redmond campus in December on a federal complaint listing 15 counts of wire, mail and computer fraud. The morning of his arrest, neighbors watched FBI agents haul boxes of personal items and computer equipment from his home and seize his car collection.

None of that is really funny. It was kind of stupid before he drank the antifreeze, now it’s just plain sad. Although there is this little tidbit:

Federal prosecutors dropped the case against him after his death.

You know, that’s downright nice of you fellas. I take back all the bad things I ever said about the feds, you guys are OK in my book. I’d imagine all the other white collar criminals are thankful that they won’t have to do their morning jailtime exercises with a cadaver.

Consumed by Zelda. Send help.

Oh, and don’t see Dreamcatcher. It’s worse than going rubber-less in a Tiajuana whorehouse.

No time. Boobies. Salma Hayek. Enjoy.

Gotta run. Comedy later.

Assed out for an Oscar yet again, eh Renee? Oh well, you’ve got Golden Globes and Blockbuster Entertainment Awards to keep that frown upside-down. Right? Right? Umm… Better keep the Girl Scout Thin Mints away from Renee Zellweger, lest she chub her way back up again.

Dammit. Now I want Thin Mints. Fucking Girl Scouts and their tasty treats. Not the kind that Klf would enjoy, mind you.

Ever sit and wonder where your federal and state taxes go sometimes? Here’s a fun spot that some of it wound up…

ATLANTA For some Georgia lawmakers, a meal wouldn’t be complete without sweet tea. Now they could put that into law. Rep. John Noel, D-Atlanta, and four co-sponsors filed a bill Tuesday that would make it a misdemeanor “of a high and aggravated nature” not to offer sweet tea in any Georgia restaurant that serves iced tea. Noel acknowledged the bill was an attempt to bring a little humor to the Legislature. But he said he wouldn’t mind if it became law. Under the bill, restaurants could still serve unsweetened tea, but must serve sweet tea as well. The proposed bill specifies the tea must be sweetened when it is brewed. Misdemeanors can carry a sentence of up to 12 months in jail. Noel got the idea when he wasn’t able to order sweet tea at a restaurant in Chicago. It wasn’t on the menu.

Meanwhile, “lynching nigras” and “illicit incestuous cohabitation” were still on the Georgia block for the misdemeanor treatment. Sweet merciful crap, they actually wasted the time to add this to the Legislature. You have to wonder what sweetens the tea of these representatives that gives them the utter satisfaction necessary to demand it at every meal, by order of law…

Mystery solved. I’m like the Goddamn Scooby-Doo team, only without Fred’s gay scarf. And uh… no Mystery Machine, and no butch lesbians… I guess I’m nothing like the Scooby Doo gang. I think I’d much rather be like Voltron. Then I’d have the kickass theme music, and a flaming sword. …wait, that doesn’t sound right…

That’s it. No more Georgia sweet tea before bed.

Without the lovely Beyonce Knowles, there would be no Destiny’s Child. Not because the group would not exist without her talent, I’m just saying that her father would beat the remaining members unmercifully, and then destroy their careers to boot. He’d probably pee on their rugs, a la Big Lebowski. No, that was not a euphamism, pervert.

I know Beyonce’s father doesn’t look very intimidating. And since he only seems to destroy the lives of band-members, I’m sure you feel pretty cozy. So you waltz around town talkin’ trash, secure in your safe little universe. But then comes that fateful day where an envelope arrives. It contains an invitation that you did not quite expect…

You get all excited for a moment. Of course you accept, I mean, who wouldn’t want to be an MTV superstar? You could be on Cribs! Well, once you get out of your mom’s basement and into a place that you wouldn’t be embarassed to show off to the world. Then it dawns on you. Why the Hell would they pick you out of everyone on the planet? More than likely, you’re a man anyway, and probably a fat reject. Why on Earth would…

*knock at the door*

You stroll over and look through the peephole. Why, its a couple of very official-looking thugs! No doubt they are here to usher you into the limo which will drive you to your fabulous new lifestyle! You swiftly undo the chain lock and open the door.

*Crack*

*Thud*

… That was way too much for a simple SOTD. I must be really out of it. How soon are you supposed to go into your house after they ant-bomb it? One, two hours?

Why couldn’t Melissa and Joan Rivers signed up to become human shields? While you all know my thoughts on the war effort, I sometimes must question our lack of attention to domestic issues. Like why I have to claw my own eyes/ears to drown out the madness.

Joan just pointed to a pin on her chest and said “This pin signifies peace. Not for or against the war, just peace. And every idiot on the planet is for peace, right?” Apparently. As their queen, I would imagine she is up-to-date on all idiot fashion. Not to slight the pins. Good idea, bad spokesperson.

And now, I would like to take this opportunity to propose my “Wartime Edition” of the Oscars Drinking Game. Lemme break down the rules for maximum drunkability.

Every time…

• actor/actress goes out of their way to say that they “don’t want to mention the war, just that they hope for peace/safe return of our troops”: 1 drink
• actor/actress mentions that while they don’t agree with his policies, they support the President/country: 1 drink
• actor/actress mentions that while they don’t agree with what’s going on, they support our troops: 2 drinks
• actor/actress briefly mentions in their speech that they don’t agree with what we’re doing over there without mentioning the President: 2 drinks
• actor/actress briefly mentions that they do not support the President: 2 drinks
• actor/actress makes a lengthy diatribe regarding the war, strongly against it: 2 drinks
• actor/actress makes a mention of their support for the war effort: 3 drinks
• Star Wars wins anything: 5 drinks
• The Time Machine wins anything: 5 drinks
• Michael Moore wins an Oscar and keeps his mouth shut about the war: finish the fucking bottle

That’s all I’ve got for the moment. Please note that actually following these rules will lead to death by alcohol poisoning by the fifth award, so please play responsibly.

You might remember her from Blue Crush, you might remember her from Rules Of Attraction, or like me, you just remember her from the commercials of said movies because they looked mind-numbingly bad. Whichever way, here’s a gallery of Kate Bosworth, courtesy of LP.

I’ve got a lotta reader-submitted galleries to go through this week, so if you were kind enough to send one to me, please be patient, it will be up soon. And if you notice any chicks lacking over at SOTD, let me know, or better yet send me a gallery. Because in times like these, we musn’t let political hardships cause a pie-shortage. That’s the first way to lose the war on morale, friends.