Author: Sharkey

Our good friend Tracer Bullet pointed out that we were lacking a gallery of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Zhang Ziyi, and I knew that this travesty must be rectified. Get rectal Zhang:

Not only is Zhang hot, but I’m also hoping that she will draw attention away from my last post, which was originally intended for humor value, but spiralled out of control into a bickering match of idiotic proportions. Let me tell you this right now: I don’t want to hear your opinion. I don’t want to hear why other people’s opinions are invalid. And I certainly don’t want to hear your opinion, and then have you cleverly tell me that you realize that your opinion doesn’t matter. Good for that bit of self-realization chief, now shut your yap and look at the porn. The big boys are handling things, and if we can’t even have a civil discussion, it’s obvious why we’re not in charge in the first place.

…to make a a complete ass of yourself. My personal favorite:

Sean Penn

“I think that people like the Howard Sterns, the Bill O’Reillys and to a lesser degree the bin Ladens of the world are making a horrible contribution [to society]. I’d like to trade O’Reilly for bin Laden. [O’Reilly] is a grumpy, self-loathing joke,” Penn told the magazine.”

Because getting Bin Laden for O’Reilly would be AWESOME! TOTALLY AWESOME!

Just some light reading to brighten your day.

Got a whopping 4 hours of sleep last night, after working until 6am. Didn’t have to do that really, I was just on one of those programming highs. You non-nerds have no idea what I’m talking about, so let me boil it down for you. It’s like when you meet a new girl, and you guys stay up al night talking and talking and you feel like it’s the start of something new and exciting. Yeah, it’s a lot like that, except no girl, you’re in your underwear and everything has that slight stink of pathetic. Can you picture it now? Excellent. And now that everyone’s self esteem is lowered, my work is finished.

If that goddamn waitress doesn’t show up with my goddamn muffin soon I’m going to… Ah fuck it, I’m going to sleep in the booth.

…to upset more people, more often. Frenchies? Step up to the plate.

Joke Submitted by Sugary75

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in, “You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes, “The French are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

Personally, I prefer Iraqi officials. All you need is a dustpan and a trashbag. …what, too soon? Well how about peace protesters overseas? All you need is a piece of high-powered construction equipment:

Come on. You loved it the first time, and you love it now. So on with the kudos!

On this fine showery So. Cal afternoon, it occurs to me that many of you struggle through life not knowing the secrets of true inner contentment. Let me take a moment to impart to you the wisdom that I have attained through constant *meditation.

True inner contentment cannot be obtained through a delicious sammitch alone. True, the delicious freshly cut roast beef and tasty cheeses amidst a perfect mix of your favorite condiments, such as spicy/sweet mustard and a thin layer of mayo, can bring much contentment. However, this sandwich alone does not bring you the true inner zen that can only be obtained through a mastery of these elements, and a fierce commitment to the ultimate comedic sense of timing. Let me explain.

Your pal Sharkey goes to the store to pick up a pound of roast beef, a pound of honey turkey (on sale for $5.99 with Ralphs Club), and a half pound of provolone cheese. True, these elements, when combined through a mastery of sandwich creation, can bring temporary happiness and a slight paunch to the gut. However, it takes a creative mind and timing to bring these elements into a brand of art form that you, perhaps, had not considered. Such as ten minutes ago, when I drove past a not-quite-attractive female with a “Fur Is Murder” bumper sticker and a license plate frame advocating veganism. Most would not notice the opportunity for true contenment just cock-slapping them in the face, but those with the knowledge and skill can easily realize the gravity of the situation. True inner contentment was achieved the instant that this young vegan woman looked in my direction, and noticed me sliding long strips of red roast beef down my awaiting gullet. True zen is obtained the moment you make another person’s face contort in complete shock and revulsion.

Next week: how to bake those cookies with the carmel stuff in the middle. See you then.

(*Meditation being a mixture of porn surfing and videogame mastery)

I went in to Wherehouse yesterday because they’re having a store closing/half off everything sale. I can see why the fuckers are going under, everything in the store was like 30% over market price to begin with. They were actually selling used copies of $9.99 movies for $14.99. So with the half off, I could get $2.50 off for buying Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey used. Huzzah. Still, with all the fat white trash roaming around the store scavenging for a used copy of old Counting Crows albums, I can see why they’re so stingy with the deals, even while the ship is sinking.

What did all of that have to do with today’s slice (special thanks to forum-goer LP for submitting the gallery), Maria Bello? Nothing. There might have been a used copy of Coyote Ugly floating around in there, but otherwise I deliberately wasted your time with that story. Enjoy.

I’m almost done with Zelda, uh… I mean my work. So hopefully the posting will return to normal here after the evil Gannon is thwarted. I mean, after I redesign his website… of evil.

Home Depot, watch your ass. My couple-hundred pound order of water came in yesterday. The delivery guy seemed to be really pleased that I was the last delivery on his route. And by really pleased, I mean that he looked like he wanted to drown me in a sea of cool mountain spring water. Office Depot got me back that day though, when the Goddamn manager wouldn’t let me use a coupon code from the Internet for one of those all-in-one USB media readers. I planned on going home, doing their fun order-it-online/pick-it-up-in-store option so that I could come back ten minutes later and pick it up for the lower price, pre-paid. However, their website was on to my scam because they had run out of stock before I got home. Curses! I’d be vengeful and pricematch it to a store with a ridiculously low price, but I’m way too lazy for that. Maybe another ten cases of water will do the trick.

In other news, here’s something horribly depressing to help you forget that today is Friday, and that a fun weekend is coming up, only to be succeeded by yet another week of your dreary existence! You’re welcome!

Seems like the water bottles on the right are a tad big, so I actually need to keep typing just to take up valuable screen space. I think I’ll post this next link inside a fancy blockquotey box just to waste some more. I can do that, because I am all powerful. And because I had a McDonald’s sausage biscuit for breakfast. And through them, I can do all things. Or was that Jesus?

New Matrix Reloaded Trailer – rocks you like an aquatic tropical cyclone.

See? That’s the power I wield on a daily basis. Now I’m going to take my power and get a haircut. This coiffe is getting a little fucking ridiculous. I look like Dr. Emmitt Brown with his hair spiked.

Her name may be a mouthful but uh… I’d sure like a mouthful of uh… I mean I’d like to let her have a mouthful of… Fuck me, NyQuil owns my ass. Here’s A Man Apart‘s Jacqueline Obradors.

*Clutches NyQuil bottle to chest and stares lovingly at the now-incredibly-blurry label*

Excuse me. We’re sharing a fucking moment here.

*Turns away*

*CHUGS*

Hey, how about 263 pounds of water for $35 bucks, delivered? No, I’m not reselling Sparkletts, it’s just another fun “stick-it-to-Office-Depot-even-though-they’ve-done-nothing-to-me” bargain. I find it excruciatingly funny that the 263 lbs. of water is going to be hauled upstairs tomorrow.

*Looks around already cramped house, searching for a spot to place 240 bottles of water*

It’s clear to me now that I have not completely thought this order through. However, I am getting bottles of water for .14 cents apiece. And some delivery guy is going to want to beat the shit out of me. Oh happy Thursday, why can’t you be today?

Apparently there was a fiber cut somewhere along the East coast, so we lost BAMF for awhile. Gave me a chance to catch up on some work that’s been bottling up. *COUGH* *Zelda* *COUGH*

Anyway, we should be all moved onto the new server now, and things seem pretty damned speedy, so I would assume that we’re back on the major pipe as opposed to the slow-as-a-special-ed-class backup. Now I guess I can get started on finalizing everything for the site rollover. That’s right, the site that’s been running for Goddamn ever and only gone through one facelift is finally due for an interface enema. Then it’s back to trying to piss off the French, Canadians, and French Canadians. Matter of fact, I need a new group/race/religion to pick on. We’ve got the aforementioned few, and the Scientologists and Catholics, with a dash of Mormon-mockery on the side. You folks are getting harder and harder to piss off, so I need someone new to anger for my own amusement. I’m open to suggestions. In the meantime, you forum kiddies can stop bugging Ray and Mers about the outage.

Thank you Jesus for the server being online, and forgive the Jews for killing you.

*awaits hate mail*