Author: Sharkey

[ Free Ice Cream Cone Day @ Ben & Jerrys ] – I reccommend the Phish Food or Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. If you need help beating the crowds, I reccommend the following:

• (1) 1 small girl, preferably disgustingly cute
• (1) 1 bag full of nickels

Take the girl and the bag to around the middle of the line. Have the girl drop the bag so that the nickels shoot out across the expanse of the line. When everyone kneels down to pick them up, start shoving. When you and the little girl are to the front of the line, have the little girl start crying her little eyes out. She will plead for her lost money, and every person with a soul will return the nickels, completely forgetting that you were not in front of them. Give the little girl a free ice cream cone for her troubles.

If there is another set of people using my instructions already, you can use the sack of nickels to bludgeon your way to the front of the line. Keep both ice cream cones, since the little girl was useless to you.

First of all, I now know that I must, repeat, must attend the E3 Expo this year. I know this thanks to our old friend Dom of the now deceased Brain-Damage, who pointed me towards the general direction of this little tidbit. As a recently strung out addict who is currently taking his fully formed Triforce towards Hyrule, I can safely say that anything which contains the touch of Miyamoto and the word Zelda attached to it will not find any trouble parting the folds of my wallet.

Second up on the gaming block is the only gaming show that I can receive at my house currently: Extended X-Play. Apparently, the head honchos at Tech TV think that they can fool me into watching their crappy show about games by revamping the graphics and adding a set of tits. Sorry fellas, but until you fix your main problem, I’m never going to enjoy your show. What is the main problem, you might ask?

See, the marketing geniuses at Tech TV might think that extending the show to like, five times a week or whatever it will be now will increase it’s viewer base. Not a bad idea. I will watch the show more often now, but I will still want to murder everyone involved. The only reason I watch it is because I am a filthy, filthy addict and I refuse to get treatment. It’s kind of like being proud that everyone is buying your shitty crack in a town where all other crack dealers mysteriously died. You didn’t get everyone hooked, and your product fucking sucks. But hey, the proof is in the pudding mom, the money’s in my hand, I must be doing something right. Wrong. The show is still terrible, I still want to claw my eyes out with a gardening rake each time I see that fucking blonde idiot onscreen, and I still really have to take a dump after each episode. I don’t know if my body is having a natural reaction to the show’s content, or if its just become accustomed to expelling all noxious chemicals at around midnight, but I can’t dispute the evidence.

You twits at Tech TV want to really grab my attention, especially once the G4 network finally comes to my area and eliminates my need for a real life completely? How about you have an entire episode devoted to slicing off little chunks of Adam Sessler and making him eat them? Then, you chuck the entire format of the show. I don’t want to watch 30 minutes of fucking reviews, I want to hear the news. 30 minutes of retarded opinions from your equally retarded writers is mind numbing. You have other shitty shows that are taped live, why not tape this one about two hours in advance, and include whatever keen news your Japanese-reading temps can decipher. Then, spend five minutes talking about swank Japanese games we’ll probably never get here. Then spend five minutes on reviews that don’t reek of half-assed attempts at comedy or that annoying “IN SPAAACE” bullshit that you fellas seem to like so much. The rest of the show can be that day’s news, reader mail and about 15 minutes per week devoted to toys/movies and other shit that is closely tied to gaming. Other than that, I can’t think of any other way to save your Titanic of a show.

Although I hate it, I don’t know what I’d do without it. My girlfriend subjects me to fucking Buffy every week, even though she knows it’s a pile of shit. If I didn’t have a pile of shit to call my own and devote 30 minutes of her time per week to, I would have no recourse whatsoever. And then I would have, in the words of the immortal George Costanza, no hand.

I finally picked up a used copy of Episode II on DVD last week. I refused to pay more than 10 bucks for a somewhat-ass-flavored movie, so I had to wait until I stumbled across one for $9.99 after shipping. Watching the flick again sparked a discussion regarding our preconceived notions about how shitty Episode III will be. For some reason, I like to cling to every last shred of hope that someone is out there, trying to rescue the original George Lucas from the clutches of the evil shape shifting aliens (oh, bitter irony!) that kidnapped him all those years ago, or as I like to call it, the “Pre-Guido-Shoots-First-Era.” But unfortunately, I’m going to have to choke on some serious reality. We discussed all of the really cool ideas about surprise endings that I’ve heard about over the last two years, but when you boil it down to the essence, it’ll be another Lucas-shows-off-cgi-and-jerks-himself-off-with-unneccessary-coninuity-cameos. And I’d just like to thank Lucas personally for squashing my hopes now, before I let them drag on for a couple of years. Prepare yourself.

Reprising their classic roles from the original trilogy are actors Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker. They return to Star Wars as Chewbacca the Wookiee, C-3PO and R2-D2.

“I’m delighted to return as Chewbacca,” says Mayhew. “I think his re-appearance in this film is a fitting way to tie the whole saga together, especially for Wookiee fans.” Given that Chewbacca is a sprightly 200 years old in Episode IV, he is more than old enough to fit into the prequel timeline.

Oy. What a snap back to reality. He might as well have ended the film with a young boy picking a fight with lil’ Boba Fett over who gets to hold baby Leia, before his Mom says “Han, you get back here right now or I’ll take away your bike young man!” to which the boy will respond “Over my dead body.” Then a couple of Ewoks can inexplicably go running by, chased by a young black child who keeps yelling something about how they truly belong with him in the clouds. God, Lucas should hire me to think up his masturbatory self-references. I’m far more efficient. Maybe lil’ Han should call his Mom “Your Worhsipfullness.” Then it’ll be like the entire reason I loved the original trilogy will be sufficiently shat upon, and we can all go home.

Who is she? I don’t know. What does she do? Besides looking hot, you’ve got me. But she makes today’s gallery not only smokin’ hot, but completely unsafe for work. But uh… since it’s 9PM, I guess that wouldn’t really matter, so enjoy the boobies of Froukje De Both (another gallery kindly submitted by LP)

Did I mention that the above pic is like, one of the cleanest ones in that gallery? The fact that you’re reading this just goes to show how gay you really are. Or female. Either way, you’re not my target demographic, but I’m sure you’d find me incredibly sexy. Sorry sweet cheeks, it’d never work. I’d only break your heart and steal your ATM card.

You know that we are living…
in a material world…
and I am a material girl!
But uh… do as I say, not as I do.

Madonna told the Radio Times that Americans had opportunities people in other countries did not have but got caught up in superficial dreams.

“We as Americans are completely obsessed and wrapped up in a lot of the wrong values — looking good, having cash in the bank, being perceived as rich, famous and successful or just being famous,” Madonna told the television listings magazine.

“It’s the most superficial part of the American dream and who would know better than me? The only thing that’s going to bring you happiness is love and how you treat your fellow man and having compassion for one another.”

When our BAMF reporters caught up with Madonna, we poised the obvious question: “In light of these statements, would you now consider ditching the rock star lifestyle that the self-obsessed American culture has afforded you, instead opting for surviving on love and compassion for your fellow man?”

The Material Girl replied simply “You know, I could do that, but I think I’ll stick with rolling around on the floor like a harlot in a skintight outfit until I’m a grandmother so that I can sell my albums to the last few remaining people that think I’m sexy. Oh, and be sure to catch me on Will & Grace this week on NBC! MP3s are bad, capitalist pigs!”

In the spirit of being a pig, why not sign up for a free subscription to Maxim?

Got a link in the mail this morning from Robert, who shared an excellent story about the band Creed getting their asses sued for being too stoned/drunk to play at a Chicago concert. It might just be a good day after all.

In their suit, filed in the chancery division of Cook County circuit court, the plaintiffs alleged lead singer Scott Stapp (pictured) “was so intoxicated and/or medicated that he was unable to sing the lyrics of a single Creed song. Instead, during the Creed concert, Stapp left the stage on several occasions during several songs for long periods of time, rolled around on the floor of the stage in apparent pain or distress, and appeared to pass out on stage during the performance,” the suit reads.

According to the suit and news reports, the band’s management issued an apology to Chicago area fans for the quality of the performance. The apology, they said, read, in part: “We apologize if you don’t feel that the show was up to the very high standards set by our previous shows in Chicago … We hope that you can take some solace in the fact that you definitely experienced the most unique of all Creed shows and may have become part of the unusual world of rock and roll history!”

Can you imagine if the litigation craze had hit it’s pinnacle during the 60s? Groupies would have made a fortune from paternity and sexual harassment suits. Personally I’d like it if I could sue Creed for every time one of their piece of shit tunes like “Higher” get stuck in my head. Then I have to go stick my face into that hole I carved into the microwave and let it bake the pain away for about 3 minutes. But afterwards, I get a killer buzz and my Hot Pocket is ready.

I’ve been working like crazy lately. Not much time for postin’ unfortunately. I’ll be back in a few hours though. Just gotta get this little bit of work that’s left done and I’ll be back on track. If I can stop being distracted by shiny objects and video games, that is.

Ooh, nickles.

Yet again we owe our gratitude to forum-goer LP for another kickass gallery. Today’s slice is the lovely Ming Na Wen, who voiced another slice, Aki from Final Fantasy.

Watch out at work, there’s boobies in them thar hills.

Yeah, no posts on two weekdays, what the Hell? I kind of took a break, since I’ve actually been working my ass off this week and wanted to take some time to finish some projects and then have a little “me” time. And by “me”, I of course mean my digital form of cel-shaded crack, “Zelda.”

Last night we planned on meeting up with the rest of the crew for a night at Disneyland, but me and the lil’ woman wound up watching Life Is Beautiful before we left. Good movie, but it was kind of like going to a funeral just before heading off to a birthday party. Something about Holocaust movies just sucks the magic right outta the Magic Kingdom. So we went to Red Robin & had booze/dessert instead. I say this flippantly, but the fact of the matter is, that decision actually took up almost two hours of our lives. That personal bit of punishment is the reason why I waste a minute or two of your lives by forcing you to read it.

By the way, does anyone suppose that this guy wishes he was a rich black football player right now? How much does Johnnie Cochrane cost these days?

Rodney King is in trouble again. Seems the dumbshit took his new Expedition at 100 MPH through a neighborhood and crashed into a house. I know the temptation is great, but none of us needs to utter that fucking phrase ever again. You know what I’m talking about.

King, 39, was spotted Sunday by a police officer who said King was speeding and weaving through traffic in his 2003 Ford Expedition when he slammed into a utility pole, a chain-link fence and then the home, police said. No one in the home was injured.

Police said they suspect that King was intoxicated, and a blood sample was drawn to determine his blood-alcohol level. Test results have not yet been released.

King was not arrested, but a report detailing the crash circumstances will be submitted to prosecutors, police Lt. Kathy Thompson said.

Not to be insensitive or anything, but it appears that the LAPD didn’t teach him enough of a lesson the first time. That, or their nightsticks did their jobs a little too well.

I lied, I completely meant to be insensitive. What’s it to you?