Author: Sharkey

Just ask this stupid bitch, she knows from experience:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – A suburban Washington woman was in a Maryland jail Monday on charges of assaulting a 4-year-old after he spilled ice cream on her in a fast-food restaurant over the weekend, police said.

The woman shouted obscenities at the child and his grandmother, chased the boy around the restaurant and eventually rubbed hot french fries in his face, a Montgomery County police spokeswoman said.

The woman, identified as Malika Hayes, 18, left the restaurant but was later arrested. The felony charge can be punished by up to 25 years in prison.

Yeah, that’s a shame. She probably had Prada shoes or some shit, girls go fucking apeshit if you even look cross eyed at a new pair of shoes. They seem to think we (menfolk) have the same kind of obsession over our toys. Well there are two big differences between your shoes and my 50″ Panasonic Plasma monitor television. One is that I won’t realize that my television hurts my feet and shove it in the closet to collect dust after two weeks, and the second is about $11,000 dollars. Therefore if a kid happened to ruin my television with his ice cream, I would be perfectly justified in shoving him into the blender and making a baby milkshake. You, on the other hand, face 25 years of women-in-prison stereotype Hell.

Having a penis kicks ass.

I dunno if you missed her as Persephone in Matrix Reloaded (it was easy to do as she was in it for a frightfully short amount of time), so I’m going to cover everyone’s bases by posting a sweet-ass gallery of Monica Bellucci.

Get ready for a barrage of slices, thanks to LP who went on a Goddamned slice-collecting rampage. The only reason that I didn’t start with his handiwork is that because of it’s sheer volume of pictures it’s taking me an eon just to upload them. Besides, take a look at this pic. If you’re at work, you probably hate me for that, but I bet you need a cold shower too.

Did you know that there are other flicks in the theatres right now besides Matrix and X-2? I know, I was pretty goddamn shocked as well. I took the time and actually saw a couple of these flicks, and now I shall take time out of your valuable Matrix-discussing schedule (see previous post) and deliver you a litte bit of chewy-chocolatey delicious reviewyness.

A Mighty Wind

I know I talked about it the other day, but I may as well elaborate if only to waste your time a bit more. Besides, it just seems kind of to review just Down With Love, I need something I can stand proudly behind sitting on top of it.

If you haven’t seen a Christopher Guest flick before, I would certainly reccommend seeing Waiting For Guffman or Best In Show. I’m one of the few non-snobs who doesn’t think that one is superior to the other as far as craftsmanship. I like Best In Show better than it’s predecessor purely because I saw it first, and the concept was fresh and just made for a funnier experience. A Mighty Wind is the third of the Christopher Guest directed mockumentaries, and if you’re not into subtle humor, this one might fly right over your head. However, if you dig on Eugene Levy (as well you should, sinner) and can appreciate the subtleties of comedy based on the sheer ridiculousness of people’s insistance that their incredibly retarded lives are exciting, then this is the film for you. Honestly, I didn’t find it as funny as the previous two films, but it was still a refreshing bit of change from the normal barrage of summer blockbusters.

Down With Love

Warning fellas. Dragging your lil’ lady (for the few of you lucky enough, or should I say sanitized enough to actually acquire one) to see Matrix Reloaded eight times will build her up some mighty powerful in the movie-war. She’ll be dragging you to a chick flick pretty soon, so if you’re going to have to do it, get it out of the way now. And this flick is probably the softest blow you can incur.

It’s surprisingly very funny. I’ve seen a lot of people bitching about it, but I don’t think they can appreciate how it was crafted to be so appealingly and accurately retro. I figured that they’d just slap some flowery clothes on everyone and do a couple of song-and-dance numbers. But from the directing (Lucas-like wipes abound) to the actors mannerisms, everything is a pretty damn good translation of a 60’s innuendo-filled comedy. And the unneccessarily elaborate ending, while probably annoying to some, was pretty funny. Normally chick flicks make me want to claw my own eyes out and apologize to my wang, but this one was alright.

Take her to see it now, before something Oprah-approved comes out.

I’m going to probably do a spoiler-rich rundown of problems/things i liked about the movie later, but for now I just wanted to say that the flick was at least worth seeing. Let’s run down the good and the bad really quick, although if you’re reading this you’re probably going to see it anyway, so what the Hell does my opinion matter anyway?

The Good:

• Kung Fu. The action was superb.
• Neo flying, especially at the end
• Interesting plot devices

And of course, The Bad:

• Zion. Not only boring, but embarassing.
• Dialogue. Did they consult George Lucas on some of this drivel?
• The music. Hey guys, this flick called The Matrix flawlessly put together music with action. I suggest you watch it and take notes before you finish up Revolutions.
• CGI. C’mon now. You have a budget as big as the national defecit. Let’s see some results, you pricks.
• Character develpment, or lack thereof. (IE: Who the fuck was that? x 20)

That’s all I can really go into without spoiling anything for you. The movie itself was fine by me as soon as the Zion scene was over (which was as embarrassing as watching a softcore porno with your parents) but it still wasn’t spectacular. Way too many questions are left unanswered, especially the one about why Neo can’t train anyone to be like him, or why he’s kind of a pansy compared to what you expected at the end of the first flick.

Great action flick though. If you can remember that it’s really not supposed to be anything other than that, you’re ok. Except for the part where you see Keanu’s butt. That, I could have done without.

While I’m out watching Reloaded tonight, I’m going to miss all of the gloriously abhorrent shit that the WB has to offer. Normally this pleases the Sharkey, but tonight something very special is going to happen. Someone is going to die on Dawson’s Creek, and then they are going to end the show. I’m sure you’ve heard about this already, so this probably comes as no surprise. And I also have no doubt that whomever the future cadeaver may be, they will die a wholly unsatisfying death. But for now, I’d like to have everyone’s bets on who they think will bite the big one, and how. This is my fantasy, live it, bitch:

No disrespect to Mox or anything, but I’d personally like to see the series end with the horrible mutilation of it’s namesake. That, or the chubby blonde chick. The whole reason I never made it past the first episode of that show boils down to her. How anyone could pick her over Katie Holmes is a mystery to me. So I say shove ’em both into the wood chipper, and have Katie set their ashes (or chunks) to sea. …at a nude beach.

Keeping with the general rambling about media theme, how about Sony’s announcement of the Playstation Portable? Here’s the rundown from the Magic Box:

Sony is finally entering the handheld market! SCE announced a new handheld system called PlayStation Portable (PSP), which will utilize Sony’s Universal MiniDisc (UMD) as the media. Each UMD can hold 1.8GB of data, and the dimension is 60mm. Ken Kutaragi mentioned that this is the Walkman of the 21st Century. The PlayStation Portable will launch by the end of 2004, pricing and details on development tools will be announced in summer. Here are the full specs:

• PlayStation Portable (PSP)
• Media: Universal Media Disc (UMD) with case, 1.8GB (double layer), 60mm; with Anti-Piracy technology
• Display: 4.5″ TFT LCD, 16:9 Widescreen, with Backlit
• Video Codec: Ability to playback MPEG4 encoded video
• Resolution: 480 x 272 pixels
• Graphics: 3D polygons and NURBS (Non Uniform Rational B-Spline)
• Sound: PCM, 3D sound, ATRAC, AAC, reconfigurable DSP, built-in stereo speakers, stereo headphone output
• Processor: 32-bit core, architecture, embedded DRAM, 90nm technology, super one-chip solution with graphics, sound, etc
• Expansion: Can be connected with PS2 and other PSP using USB 2.0
• I/O: USB 2.0, Memory Stick, wireless communication, GPS
• Battery: Rechargeable U-ion, optional AC/DC adapter
• Territory: No regional lockout, can run games from all regions
• Release Date: 2004

Here’s another article about the PSP. It’s about fucking time, with guys out there making portable versions out of old PS1’s, you’d think Sony would wake up and smell the missing cash from it’s wallet. It’ll be interesting to see what kind of content Nintendo starts churning out with a serious competitor in the portable arena.

Now the big question is, how long before the first modchip comes out?

Freddy Vs. Jason Trailer – you know what’s funny, I actually saw Jason X a couple of weeks ago on cable. I don’t think it’s going to be easy to put aside the complete comedic value of that flick when it comes to this. Especially after that bit where they showed Jason a vision of Camp Crystal Lake circa 1980 and completely parodied itself. “Hi, would you like to enjoy some beer and marijuana with us? Or how about premarital sex? We LOOOVE premarital sex!” *boobies* I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard since… well, I guess since I saw the trailer for Jason X in the theaters.

Everyone got tickets for Matrix Reloaded tomorrow night at around 10:30. If you’re interested, a lot of people have been commenting about it, and some of the reviews aren’t so good. That’s what I expected really, because a lot of people can’t distinguish between the opening story, where it slaps you in the genital region with a mind blowing concept, and then the sequel just sort of draws that concept out. Without the excessive cock-slap, they’re not aware of the movie’s actual quality. What is sad, however, is that my non-geek of a girlfriend has been bugging me as to why Neo didn’t just tear the Matrix apart with his mind like he did to Agent Smith in the first flick. I’ve been telling her for weeks that Reloaded will no doubt answer those questions for us all, but from what I understand now, the movie completely avoids the subject. I know WB is closely tied with DC Comics, did they have a Crisis on Infinite Earths kind of thing while we weren’t looking, sort of stripping away Superman’s ability to move the Sun and do the mind-wipe kiss? I’m not a big fan of when they change a character’s abilities to conveniently move along a story idea, a la Anakin, the all-powerful vergence of the force who can’t go ten fucking seconds without getting his arm lopped off. *thumbs up*

Oh well, I don’t really give a shit. The movie will probably be pretty damn good, and I’m going to E3 the next morning so I’ll have even more reason to wet myself in public. Besides, I can always see X-Men 2 again.

BTW, go ahead and see A Mighty Wind, if for no other reason than to support the troupe that makes these flicks. Oh, and because Eugene Fucking Levy is in it. If Godzilla, Galactus, or Mike Ditka ever start trashing the planet, Eugene is the one person who may be able to save us all. I’d say let Michael Mckean do it, but Ditka might have seen him in Short Circuit 2, and then we’d all be fucked.

You did good kid, but they’ll be back. You just joined Exosquad.

From: Fox
Subject: The BAMF grapevine travels fast, apparently!

https://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=816&ncid=816&e=2&u=/ap/20030513/ap_on_fe_st/no_more_klingon

Search for Klingon Interpreter called off

Apparently due to tongue-in-cheek news reports.

*silence*

*polite applause for Sharkey and his Simian hordes*

Fox

Sharkey: “Seems like our work is done here. Time to pack it up and get shitty liquored up.”

Simian Infantry: “But sir, you’re already drunk. “

Sharkey: “That makes sense, you’re a talking monkey and I’m riding an elephant in a kilt. It must be Tuesday.”

Please tell me that this is a joke. Please?

Don’t….don’t fucking encourage them.

PORTLAND, Ore. Position Available: Interpreter, must be fluent in Klingon. The language created for the ”Star Trek” TV series and movies is one of about 55 needed by the office that treats mental health patients in metropolitan Multnomah County. Although created for works of fiction, Klingon was designed to have a consistent grammar, syntax and vocabulary. And now Multnomah County research has found that many people – and not just fans – consider it a complete language. ‘County officials said that obligates them to respond with a Klingon-English interpreter, putting the language of starship Enterprise officer Worf and other Klingon characters on a par with common languages such as Russian and Vietnamese, and less common tongues including Dari and Tongan.

If you’re a Trekkie who doesn’t speak Klingon, don’t worry. I’m sure there are lots of companies looking for overweight virgins with a near-encyclopedic knowledge of everything related to an old television show. Well actually, there’s only one, and you can only get it if you kill Harry Knowles (without being consumed) and assume his identity. Start snackin’ on those twinkies, tubby, you’ve got about a half-ton to go.