Author: Sharkey

At this point I’m forced to wonder if Britney Spears has been paid off by the Bush administration in a sort of reverse Wag The Dog scenario. The more we pay attention to her child custody denial or poor interviewing skills, the less concerned we become with just about anything that matters. And after listening to that Britney interview through the part where she wordlessly leaves to go take a shower, can you blame me for not caring about anything? My brain feels like runny oatmeal.

The only reason I actually posted anything about her is this photo right here:

I think she hit up the same discount collagen clinic that Anna Faris went to just before she appeared on “Entourage.” In fact, I would really love to post up a side by side comparison shot, if someone can get me an image from her first appearance on the show. Specifically, when she’s talking to Eric on the phone and is wearing the same ridiculously huge sunglasses (and lips) as Spears here.

Britney is starting to look uncannily like a girl I slept with a long time ago. Note that I say “slept with” and not “dated” because frankly, this was a slumpbust we’re talkin’ about.

I’ve had quite a few emails (and some comments) asking why I don’t just bother to shut down BAMF, as I’m obviously not funny anymore and I don’t seem to give a shit about the site in general. Before I hit the sack, I’d like to clear up a few of these misconceptions.

1. My main reason for not posting on this site is simple: I have always and will always want to maintain this as a site that I myself would want to enjoy. I have attempted, on numerous occasions, to pick up my writing duties exactly where I left off. Thus far, it hasn’t been possible, primarily because everything I have attempted to write over the last 8 months or so has come off sounding like the ramblings of a fucking crybaby, and I absolutely cannot abide whining. I wouldn’t subject myself to it, nor would I force these diatribes of daily bitchy bitching upon you. Everyone has their own shit, mine is just mildly painful and makes me feel like throwing up on occasion. Probably because of all the times I made fun of the handicapped, but I’m still not about to stop doing that.
2. I’m still funnier than you’ll ever be, with the exception of the moment your Dad forgot to pull out resulting in your mildly amusing existence.
3. The fact that everyone on Heroes seems to become more and more connected each and every episode is not awesome. It is the opposite of awesome. Did you all lose your Goddamned minds?
4. I still give a shit about this site. In fact, I check it every single day hoping that I’ll be able to write something that amuses myself again. But since I can’t, I spend a lot of my time trolling the rest of the internet and taking out my aggression on people in alternatively excellent ways. Perhaps once I feel like I’m back to normal, I’ll post some of these and we can all have a good laugh at what a little 9th grade girl I was for the duration of summer 2007. Hopefully this will happen before I resort to composing shitty poetry in a little notebook with hearts and cutouts from Teen Beat plastered all across the front.

In summation, I am still full of spite. I just can’t direct it as well lately. If you feel like picking up some of the slack around here, great. Send some shit to me. Otherwise, continue posting your comments. It really does make me feel better in comparison when I have to complain.

…as I’m about to fucking stab someone. They’re going to take what might have been a decent Hitman flick and give it the Live Free Or Die Hard treatment.

Word is out that Fox has yanked control of upcoming video game adaptation away from director Xavier Gens.

This happens from time to time if a director turns in weak footage but that is not the case here. After being hired to shoot an adaptation of the ultra-violent video game Gens took Asian action films such as The Killer and A Bittersweet Life as his starting point and turned in an explicitly violent, very bloody cut of the film that apparently included a number of head shots and extreme gore moments that would have guaranteed the film a hard R rating. Which really shouldn’t have been any sort of surprise if the studio execs had been paying any attention at all – it’s not like they wouldn’t have seen the dailies or effects work ahead of time – but apparently after seeing Gens’ cut of the film the studio removed him from the project and placed Nicolas De Toth in control of a new edit of the film. Who’s De Toth? He’s the man behind the edit of Live Free Or Die Hard, a job he was hired for specifically to turn in an entirely bloodless version of the film and word is that this is his task with Hit Man as well.

The site had a followup from a Fox PR rep who stated that Gens was still on the project, and that De Toth is only an editing consultant. But since Gens is out of the country and nowhere near the project, I’d imagine that Fox is just trying to cover their own asses. We already know what studios think of gaming enthusiasts anyway, based on their ridiculous treatment of the subject matter. As a huge fan of the Hitman series, I’m hoping that there will be an ass-kicking directors cut, but until I hear word that this sucker is back on track, I’ll be sitting this one out.

Oh and here’s the trailer for any of you who haven’t seen it yet. Watch it now before they sanitize it as well.

I don’t know who Johnny Fairplay is, and I don’t care. I just find it funny that he tried to publicly hump a guy who goes around touting his ass-kicking abilities like he were perpetually stuck in junior high. Apparently the guy is pressing charges, which probably won’t end up well for him since Bonaduce can undoubtedly afford better lawyers.

Although maybe (fingers crossed) this will end up getting Bonaduce kicked off of the Adam Corolla show, which would mean that I could listen to it again.

I’ll keep this succinct, though I’ve spent a fair amount of time with the game.

The multiplayer is fucking awesome. Awesome like when you lost your virginity in high school, and kept repeating “holy shit this is really happening!” over and over in your head as you eventually reached a tragically premature climax. It’s just that pure and excellent.

The single player campaign, however, is so fucking boring that I put all of the cutscenes on mute and watched the earlier season 3 episodes of Lost in the background. And I mean those really boring and pointless episodes, the ones that I originally got bored with and began playing video games. I’m surprised that the universe didn’t implode from that little potential paradox. Although to Bungie’s credit, at least they didn’t deliver their jerk-themselves-off ending via a giant ethereal whale who explains the story to a captive Master Chief this time around.

*Update: Bongweasel pointed me towards this review, which really says it all better than I could. Plus he has one of those grating-yet-soothing Australian accents, which just makes anything he says automatically funny.

“Heroes” is an excellent show. Season 1 was pretty damned good, and with the exception of a few choice moments (like the entire season finale) it was all around enjoyable. Season 2 would have started off well, if it weren’t for the so-called “limited commercial interruption” from last week. Sweet fucking merkatroid, why would Nissan show the same Goddamned commercial over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and….

See Nissan? That’s how fucking annoying that entire debacle felt. Switching out the guy for a girl for a guy, and then repeating the ridiculously repetitive process a mere 20 minutes later, is not a sound advertising strategy. Unless you were trying to get idiots to write about your ridiculous commercials on their equally ridiculous websites, in which case… well played. But I’ll be running anyone driving your fortuitously-named “Rogue” off the Goddamned road just as soon as possible.

So then there was this latest episode, which was great. But why the fuck did Ando not get arrested? Why doesn’t Peter just mentally whip the “identity box” out of the hands of his poorly accented Irish captors? Why do the writers want to make me care less about the plight of illegal immigrants? Hopefully they’ll answer these questions soon. And while they’re at it, they can explain why they have set out to prove that Parkman is the biggest fucking moron to moron his way around Moronville. Christ, as if the season finale didn’t make him out to be a big enough idiot, this whole season seems to paint him as the series’ bumbling sidekick, mysteriously surviving every ridiculously idiotic situation that he manages to wedge his fat self into. I can only hope that he winds up reading the mind of his father (who will wind up being Ned… RYERSON!) and, figuring out that he was a mistake, subsequently throws his useless frame into oncoming traffic.

Also, I don’t particularly know what the fuck is wrong with my health yet. I’m not dying, enjoying an STD (that I know of), or suffering from an affliction which will eventually kill me. As it stands, my health problems only exist to make living quite a bit more miserable. But since my life hasn’t consisted of much other than my own misery or mockery of the misery of others, I’ve only required some adjustments. At least my dick still works, right?

Honesty time here. I have been neglecting this site, and since nothing happens without a reason, I feel that it may be time to offer some sort of explanation. I’ve been having some health problems, and there’s been this sinking suspicion that my predilection towards mocking the pain and suffering of others for so many years has led to karmaic consequences for yours truly.

Yeah, fuck karma. Britney Spears just lost custody of her kids, and we’re starting a suicide poll. Christmastime would be the statistically sound bet, but I’m going with Halloween. Once she realizes that she won’t be able to dress her kids up like Bartels and Jaymes while parading around in her underwear (not a costume) she’ll get high as shit and then run out onto the nearest freeway onramp, hoping that her good looks will stop traffic. Which they won’t.

If we can’t pick on the misery of others, life really isn’t worthwhile now is it?

Not me. What was to be an almost certainly rushed and poorly condensed “Preacher” film will now become an HBO series.

HBO is planning a full series that will bring every issue of the entire sordid, enthusiastically blasphemous DC/Vertigo comic to the small screen… but that announcement came with the arguably dreadful news that GHOST RIDER and DAREDEVIL virtuoso Mark Steven Johnson would be handling the project.

But wait, there may be a savior after all. Several, in fact. CHUD says that in addition to Robert Rodriguez, A-list directors such as Brian de Palma and David Cronenberg have been approached and/or are interested in directing the pilot or individual episodes. People like Danny Boyle and Alex Proyas are also reportedly on the want list for the HBO show.

It’s still in the early phases so this is only discussion at the moment, but it sounds like they’re serious enough to put feelers out to fanboy-friendly helmers (and the cable outlet desperately needs a SOPRANOS-level “must watch” show). So you know guys like Guillermo del Toro and Quentin Tarantino won’t be far down that list.

That is excellent news, Preacher was just a fantastic series and could translate pretty damn well to the small screen. Plus boobies, unstoppable killers, and the hilariously witty Garth Ennis dialog, and you have a recipe for success.

I know he’s a bit old for the part, but I’ve always seen Travolta in the role of Arseface. All you’d need to do is extend that huge ass on his chin across the rest of his face, and you’re golden.

In case you hadn’t heard, the quite rape-able Jessica Biel is going to be getting naked in her next movie.

Biel “signed a contract that explicitly details the bare minimum fans will see – including shots of her breasts and butt,” a source told the magazine.

That just makes any day a little brighter, doesn’t it? They’d better not pull a Natalie Portman cutting room floor job on us here.