Author: Sharkey

OK, so I bragged up and down last year around October when I added the Danger Sidekick to my family of technological deliciousness. While a lot of owners had problems ranging from broken keys to the mobile handhelds attempting to eat little Billy, I was nearly problem free. With the exception of the occasional exorbitant bill, I was completely happy with the little bastard. Then it finally happened two months ago. My sidekick broke. Now this was fine, since the little wheel had sunken in and that was grounds for a free replacement from T-Mobile. But ever since I got this new unit, shit has been getting stranger and stranger.

Take last week, for instance. I was sitting at home, waiting for some important calls. Ever vigilant, I was attempting to free the universe from the evil clutches of a Sith Lord (so that they could fall into my evil clutches the next day) in Star Wars: KOTOR, while the phone sat ringless and lonely. I made a few calls throughout the day inbetween working and lightsabering, so I know that I had a good strong signal. However, when I finally left to hit the gym, my phone went absolutely fucking nuts. If any of you have a Sidekick, you know that it goes “NEW MESSAGE!” at you when a voicemail comes in. Well imagine if the fucker said it about 8 times in a row. Every single day since, it seems that the stupid thing allows only a few calls to come through, while shoving the rest to voicemail and only delivering the message to me at around 5 o’clock. It’s like I have the world’s laziest secretary for a phone, and it doesn’t even wear tight skirts or give me head.

So anyways, aside from it acting possessed by pulling up random webpages, losing bits of the screen, and telling me that my breath is rank, things are still somewhat palatable. Yes, the reception gets worse by the day and I can’t even make a single phone call without yelling “WHAT?!? WHO IS THIS?!?” repeatedly, but I’m kind of forgiving. And lazy. But then comes the real kick in the fucking pants. My bill comes from T-Mobile for the month of July. Mind you, my service plan is for a cool 39.95 per month. Anyone care to make a wager as to the service charges this month?

$236.11

Thats right. Nearly $200 bucks more than my monthly payment. These fucks are trying to tell me that my OVERAGE for peak minutes comes to about 11 hours. I can’t speak on the goddamned thing for five minutes before tossing it away in disgust at the reception, let alone amassing 11 hours in thirty fucking days.

So now I’ve got a shitty phone with kickass internet access, and a bill that rivals my car payment. Any thoughts on what I should do, aside from skewering the first T-Mobile representative I come across with a animal-feces-covered-pike? I could easily dump the phone, but fucking Hell, would I miss the email and web access. Get another phone? Get a better rate plan? Tear out my local dealer’s eyes and donkey punch his wife? *sigh* Decisions, decisions.

Wasn’t there a story just like this a few weeks ago? When is a woman going to have one in a Port-O-Let, because that’s just about the only thing more vile than being birthed onto the floor of the fucking subway.

42-year-old Braintree woman gave birth to a baby boy while standing on an inbound Red Line train yesterday morning, refusing help from stunned passengers who heard her moan and seconds later looked down to find her baby on the floor.

After leaving the train and heading for the stairs up to the station’s main lobby, witnesses said, the placenta fell to the platform. Judge turned around, grabbed the afterbirth, put it in her shoulder bag, and headed upstairs.

”She just literally picked it up with her hand and put it in some kind of bag she was carrying, and this was in mid-stride … It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Robert Busby, of Weymouth.

Get a few drums of Malthion X handy, we’re going to crop dust all of the Motel 6’s in the country, Tom Bodett be damned.

[ I Wants. I Wants A Lot. ]

Now all I would need is some sheets to match and I’d uh… I’d… never have sex again. ….but I’d be jerking off in the nerdiest bed this side of math camp!

[ CNN – Monkey shortage hampers research, scientists say ]

…

If any of you squeal, you’ll quickly become acquainted with a rabid marmoset who has a degree in barbed-wire colonoscopies.

Well, I warned you sons of bitches. Three demands for slices today. Now you gotta take your medicine. A spoonfull of Nikki Ziering ought to learn ya. Take it like a man.

I hope you’ve learned your lesson, dick. Now I’m going to enjoy myself at a party. Apparently you’ve got nothing better to do than sit at home with your dick in your hand staring at badassmofo.com. Pretty lame, Milhouse.

Got an urgent email today. Let’s see what it says.

Hey its Charlize Therons B-Day. Seems like a pretty good reason to me for her to be slice of the day.

BAH! Your insolance knows no bounds! For your punishment, have some Charlize Theron pics. Suffer, bitch!

I hope you’ve learned your lesson. Don’t make me slap you with some Nikki Ziering tomorrow. Watch your ass.

Well, at least I have a reason to vote in the recall election in a couple of months: Ah-nult has decided to run for governor. This will no doubt please comedy writers everywhere, as this pretty much makes their jobs effortless. Every time the man opens his mouth it becomes new material. I think it might have something to do with the accent.

In similar news, former BAMF writer Gary Coleman has also tossed his hat into the ring. This comes after Larry Flynt and that billboard chick Angelyne announcing their respective campaigns for the governorship. I was actually going to run, but after this prestigious lot of individuals joined the race, I figured that nobody would want me making a mockery of this very serious event.

I don’t know if it’s exactly ironic, per se, but I found it particularly annoying to be stuck on a one lane road behind a slow-ass prick on his cell phone in a minivan that had a vanity plate which read “W8ISOVR”. I figured he might still be “w8ing” for death’s icy grip to slowly strangle his corporeal form, so being a helpful fellow, I moved into the opposing lane and swerved violently at him. True, he still retains his tenuous balance on this mortal coil, but he looked pretty old. I’m sure his heart can’t take much more strain like that.

I think I’ve been playing Knights Of The Old Republic a little too much lately. My evil level is sliding dangerouly towards the “you’re all fucked” territory.

And more in sardonic news, Mabs called me yesterday to let me know that I’m not posting enough. Thats kind of like getting hipness advice from your blind grandfather. Who’s dead. In a telegram.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I’m in a rush today, so I might not have time for the little things. I may as well give you a look at a couple of big things. Everybody’s looking for these pictures of Britney Spears pics from the British Elle (Elle UK?) so I decided to throw them into the mighty Britney gallery for you. Thank me later.

So uh… explain to me why everyone is so nuts over these pictures? I realize that it’s more nekkid than she usually gets, but this is the kind of skin that Christina wears to get coffee. Although with her current figure, she really, really shouldn’t.

…So uh… *ahem*… you uh… *looks around nervously* …you come here often?