Author: Sharkey

Stolen straight from gunner in the forums, and delivered straight to you:

[ Trunk Monkey Ads ]

No, I don’t care if it’s old.

You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to make Hilary Duff the slice of the day. And there is nothing… nothing… that you can do about it.

You like that powerless feeling, don’t you… wait! I can see you in there! Pull your pants back on, you fucking pervert! And if you’re going to do that, you should probably put some sort of protective covering over your keyboard, the keys are going to jam up.

Dave Chapelle was fucking awesome, btw. We saw him at the UCSD campus, so the seating was general admission. That means no assigned seats. Thanks to Ticketmaster’s ridiculously bad directions, we wound up getting there about 40 minutes late. And thanks to their overbooking of the event, about 100 people had given in and were already standing up. We had to steal a couple of seats from these college kids who were dumb enough to leave two wide open, and they were pretty pissed, but wimpy enough to shut up when we nabbed ’em. Thanks for being so soft, you La Jolla bastards.

Since she survived all the way through Freddy Vs. Jason (yet somehow gets aced on Dawson’s fucking Creek), I decided to make Monica Keena your slice of the day. And now, for your enjoyment, ass!

*sigh*

And now that I’ve enjoyed life for a few more seconds, it’s time to resume my hatred.

* Receives 1000 more pieces of SPAM *

Ahhh….

*Receiving message 12 of 1688*

Before I started receiving, I set up a mail filter to get rid of anything that looked like the result of that new virus attack. So far, five messages out of 200 or so have actually popped into my inbox. Thus far, they’re all other ISPs autoresponding to let me know that my email: “Details” (or other variations) contained a virus, and that it has been deleted.

Does anybody know what the fuck is with all the spam? I’ve received about 600 pieces to just one account today. I know numerous people who are screaming because their mail servers are so overloaded that they can’t send or receive their lists of cute emails about kittens and happy things. Life is pain and I’m your harbinger of thorny-poking madness! God do I hate you all!

…sorry. I could really use a hug. Or some fucking chicken wings, that would be much better.

So, there’s a pretty convincing batch of Matrix Revolutions spoilers, for those of you who give a shit. I, for one, like being surprised at movies. However, I also don’t care enough about the Matrix flicks to withhold my inhibitions and wait patiently. I did that for Star Wars Episode 1 and look what it got me: a multi-million dollar kick in the balls (and the memories) by George Lucas. And the Matrix has Keanu Reeves in it. I’m wearing a cup to the theaters this winter.

Cameron Diaz‘s “people” wrote me a letter asking me to kindly remove “fake nude” photos of her. I didn’t think we had any nudies up there to begin with, but sure enough there’s her on the beach and her at that now-famous photo shoot from her early days.

So does anyone have any new pics of her? I think it’s time she was slice of the day again.

[ $200 LCD Projector ] – Fuck me sideways, that is grand. I wonder what the quality is when compared to today’s standard LCD projectors.

How would you like to get a call from the guy who played Epstein on Welcome Back Kotter?!? …not so much, eh? Well that’s alright, he’s too busy doing Epstein things today to call you, apparently. But you can still get phone calls from all kinds of people that you’re all too young to remember over at Hollywoodiscalling.com.

Now For The First Time Ever You Can Have A Real Celebrity Call You Or A Friend For Just $19.95. They Can Also Deliver A Brief Customized Message Written By You For $29.95. Whether It’s For A Special Occasion Or Just For The Fun It, There’s No Better Way To Impress A Client, A Sweetheart Or A Friend Than To Have A Celebrity Call. So Place Your Order Today.

You know, I’ve never thought about it before, but having someone like Fred “Rerun” Berry call a client would be pretty fucking impressive. Imagine if I had Todd Bridges call up to shake them down for non-payment.

Client: “Hello?”
Todd: “Yo, this be *insert client’s name*”
Client: “Um…yes it is.”
Todd: “Well now it’s on. This is Todd Bridges. Remember Diff’rent Strokes, motherfucker?”
Client: “Sure… aren’t you in jail?”
Todd: “I’ll ask the questions bitch, we only got 15 seconds left. Now why ain’t yo’ ass been payin’ Sharkey his mothafuckin’ money? You know he done the work, why you tryin’ to play him like that? “
Client: “B-b-but I was gonna….”
Todd: “You wasn’t gonna do shit. But what you ARE gonna do is march your fat ass down to the bank and cut my homie a check before I come down there and have you sayin’ “Whatchoo talkin’ bout Todd” as my fists hit yo’ nuts, know what I’m sayin’ muthafucka?”
Client: “Yes sir. I’m sorry sir.”
Todd: “You damn right you sorry. Now, you know of any good criminal attorneys or some Hollywood…”
*background* “Your one phone call is up, Bridges, get back into the line!”
Todd: “Got’DAMMIT.
*CLICK*

Before you get all high-and-mighty about my bashing of two-bit celebrities, consider this fact: Both Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges have been mentioned on this site within a two week period, and I have made not one Dana Plato dead joke. For that kind of steadfast restraint, I should get a fucking medal. Or a burrito. No beans.

…as are we all.

Lots of people aren’t able to cope with France’s *heatwave*. Scroll down to the 3rd last paragraph to find out it’s 98 degrees.

https://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=514&e=2&u=/ap/20030814/ap_on_re_eu/france_heat_wave_6

It gets hotter than 98F in the bay area on a regular basis..

At first I pondered if they were discussing Celcius temperatures. Delicious thoughts of a few million French fries baking in 200 degree weather made me giggle with schoolgirlish glee, but of course, that was short lived. No no, my friends, the Frenchies are dropping off like flies because of a measly 98 degrees fahrenheit. Turn the fucking A/C in the car on in California and it’s refreshing to get 98 degrees fahrenheit. And the humidity over there isn’t so bad right now, so what the fuck is with all the waterworks? Obviously the French are made of a far lesser material than everyone else. I wish I’d known that while I was over there, I would’ve grabbed a heat lamp and a mister and taken over the country.

By the way, the mortality issues of this story are a lot funnier if you replace “dying of heat exhaustion” with “surrendering to the Sun”.