Author: Sharkey

It’s Natalie Portman’s birthday, a fact which was brought to my attention by the half-black-tastic Tracer Bullet earlier today. So once again she graces us with her excellent. And some nice boobie shots as well.

*sigh* they grow up so fast. I remember it was only yesterday that Natalie was a forbidden slice. Now she’s all growns up.

And I was just having a conversation with Raygun about how DARE programs and the like seem to churn out a suspicious amount of drug addicts. It turns out that Narconon (heavily backed by poppa L. Ron’s “church”) has been spewing Scientology rhetoric to schoolchilden in some lovingly sneaky ways. Dig:

A popular anti-drug program provided free to schools in San Francisco and elsewhere teaches concepts straight out of the Church of Scientology, including medical theories that some addiction experts described as “irresponsible” and “pseudoscience.”

Narconon’s anti-drug instruction rests on these key church concepts: that the body stores all kinds of toxins indefinitely in fat, where they wreak havoc on the mind until “sweated” out. Those ideas are rejected by the five medical experts contacted by The Chronicle, who say there is no evidence to support them.

“Narconon, to me, is Scientology,” said Lee Saltz, a drug counselor with the Los Angeles school district, where Narconon has made classroom presentations for many years. “We don’t use their curriculum because it’s not grounded in science. But they bypass our office and go directly to the schools. They’re very persistent.”

I think most of you already know my history with those Scientology folk, so you can feel my slight satisfaction when the rest of the world raises an eyebrow towards their sinister efforts.

Making up science is not OK kids. If it didn’t benefit us with the whole “semen is 100% protein” coupled with the Atkins craze, it’s not going to help us with drug addiction. Unless your science involves taking a “Science Bat” to their skull so that you can help them sweat out those evil “fat toxins”. And maybe knock out a few “brain toxins” while you’re at it.

Personally, I think the Malthion X Solution will easily cross over into junkie territory. Soak those fuckers in liquid birth control and let them do their business. As long as they don’t litter my planet with their idiot seed, they can do as they like.

Man, two self-serving link references in one article. I wish I had something to make fun of the Canucks, then this would be a really well-rounded post.

[ Goddammit you stole my ho bag ]

Longtime wrote in to let me know about the latest bout of fast food related brawlin’. Seems that a man in Iowa was none too pleased to find a chalupa in the bag with his cinnamon twists.

Nancy Harrison told police she was working the drive-through Thursday night when Christopher Lame, 24, ordered some food.

He later came into the store, complaining he didn’t get the taco he had ordered, police records say. Harrison said that when she asked for a receipt, he went back to his car and brought back the bag.

Harrison said she told him the store was closing, and as she turned away, a chalupa hit her in the face near her right eye. She said she ran into the parking lot and took down the license number as the motorist was driving away.

You know, I really feel for this poor guy. He’s tired, he’s hungry, he’s been mocked his entire life due to losing the surname lottery… and all he wants is the right fucking taco. Maybe he doesn’t like the chalupa, maybe he’s a big fan of those double-wrapped tacos that has the hard and soft shells.

So he’s sitting there, staring at this chalupa that he didn’t order, and he starts thinking back to earlier that day when his boss emasculated him in front of all his good looking coworkers. Then he remembers the time his ex-girlfriend made out with his cousin in that broom closet and then drunkedly confessed that he got the bad genitalia genes in the family. Then he remembers way back to his grade school days when everybody picked on his stupid fucking name and how they all laughed at him that time he got stung by all those bees by the horticulture lab.

Then he just. fucking. snapped.

Chalupa attacks baby, they come on strong. And now I’m pretty fucking hungry.

The 18-year anniversary of the birth of the infamous Olsen Twins is a mere five days away. That’s right, the 18th birthday of two of the hottest, richest, most delectible girls on the planet takes place in just under a week. And do you know what that means to you and I?

…absolutely fucking nothing.

Time to elect a new slice of forbidden pie, in my opinion. Any suggestions?

Man oh man, Jennifer Lopez must really be afraid of dying alone. That girl is going to rival Liz Taylor in the man-meat processing department if she’s not careful. She got married to Marc Anthony over the weekend, making him husband numero tres’.

Lopez and Anthony reportedly tied the knot Saturday in a small ceremony at her Beverly Hills, Calif., home. Anthony’s publicist would not comment Monday. Lopez’s spokesperson didn’t immediately return a call Monday, but told The Associated Press on Sunday that he had no comment.

This is the third marriage for the 34-year-old Lopez – the first was to waiter Ojani Noa in 1997, the second to Judd in 2001. Noa lasted a little more than a year; Judd for nine months.

The singer-actress also was engaged to Affleck, her “Gigli” co-star, but amid a huge media frenzy they canceled their plans in September 2003 and broke up in January.

Awwww… how sweet. I’m certain that J. Lo has finally… finally found the man for her. That one true relationship that will last forever.

…

Alright, what are my bets on how long “forever” is? I’ve got 3-1 odds on nine months, 5-1 odds on six, and 7-1 on a full year. Put your money down now, especially if you’re betting on this Tuesday, which pays off 50-1.

[ President Ronald Reagan Dies At Age 93 ]

The greatest President of my lifetime, and the first one I was really old enough to comprehend as the President. Ever since him, Presidents have been more subdued, and far less ballsy than this man. Can you imagine Clinton or Bush standing next to the Berlin wall shouting for the Russian government to tear it down? No matter how you feel about some of his policies, he was a great President. And he will be missed, if not for his actions, then certainly for his humor:

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidise it.”

Hats off to you, Gipper.

Just saw Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban tonight, and considering that it’s nearly 4AM, I’ll reserve most of my comments until the morning. But I will give you this bit to chew on:

I noticed that a lot of people who had read the book seemed pretty satisfied with the movie. A lot of them even said it was their favorite of the three films. I, however, thought it was the worst of the three, simply because the story seemed riddled with missing chunks. Which, of course, made it somewhat boring.

Cry out you little Harry Potter nerds, I’ll have more for you tomorrow. And just because I mentioned the little witch boobies doesn’t mean I want to hear that you think she’s hot. Save it for the judge, pervert.

[ Mom eBays son’s PS2 as punishment ]

SO I AM MINUS ABOUT $177 FOR THIS WEEKEND LITTLE ANTICS. NOT TO MENTION THE AGGRAVATION OF THE ARUGING, LYING AND DECEPTION. I AM NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR FROM A CHILD. EVEN A 6’3” 13 YEAR OR ANY ONE WHO DISRESPECTS ME & MY STUFF.

SO CHILDREN LISTEN UP DO NOT DISRESPECT YPUR PARENTS YOUR FRIENDS OR YOURSELF BECAUSE US PARENTS ARE SMARTER THAN YOU AND WE WILL FIND OUT ABOUT ANY AND ALL THINGS YOU TRY TO HIDE.

I AM SELLING THOS PRIZE possession TO RECOOP WHAT I LOST.

Man, momma needs to start helping junior with his schoolwork. Maybe she’ll pick up a grammar tip or two.

Pretty soon we’re going to have mothers hopping onto aim and messaging all his friends about how he cries whenever she grounds him. That will show the little bastard.

That, or he’ll slaughter them all in their sleep.

So on our way to the Dave Chapelle show, the following conversation transpired between myself, and my racism-terminology impaired girlfriend:

Me: “I guess Dave’s got this Morris So-and-So opening for him tonight.”
GF: “Who is he?”
Me: “I dunno. I’ve heard of him, but I have no idea where. He’s probably just a nobody.
GF: “Oh, OK. Like those Porch Monkeys we saw in Vegas?”

*lady walking in front of us chokes and turns, shocked*

GF: “…oh wait, it was the Porch Ghouls. …hey what’s so funny?”

Understandable mistake. We have four black people in Irvine, and one of them is Tracer Bullet.