Author: Sharkey

Here’s some shit that you should know about already. But just in case you don’t, let poppa make it all better:

• New Perry Bible Fellowship.
• New Zero Punctuation – This week’s segment covers the latest F.E.A.R. expansion.
• The Onion is still awesome.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe! What the Hell happened to my Jennifer Love Hewitt?!?

Good mother of mercy, it looks like her ass soaked up all of that seawater like a sponge. If you’re into that whole “junk in the trunk” sort of thing, here are a few more to satisfy your curiosity:

I figured I’d follow up the dismembered chicks with a chick who could actually survive a landmine blast, regrow the limb, and still be hotter than any of the other contestants. Actually, there were just some new Hayden Panettiere pictures uploaded over at SOTD, and it was just an excellently sardonic coincidence. Enjoy.

Apparently these photos are from GQ Magazine’s spread on Hayden, naming her “Obsession of the Year.” Which is really just magazine-speak for “bullshit award to help get her into a skimpier outfit.” I would prefer to name her “chloroform victim of the year” and then test my theory on whether or not her hymen regenerates as well.

Bongweasel just pointed me in the direction of this Fox News story about the upcoming Miss Landmine competition. It’s… about what you’d expect.

Ten women will show off their beauty and brains — and their landmine injuries — in Angola next April in a competition to win a golden prosthetic limb and the title of Miss Landmine 2008.

Whoa, wait, a golden prosthetic limb? Jesus, black people are taking this “bling” nonsense a little bit too far.

Speaking of whom, you must check out the contestants. While I’m very touched by their plight, I’m forced to wonder if they are trying to make a mockery of these poor limbless beauties. With job aspirations like “anything” and “street vendor” and favorite colors listed as “sand,” they don’t make a very convincing argument for why you should take anything about the whole affair seriously. Listing the year that their wayward limb was blown off, including (in some cases) a small description of the circumstances, was a nice touch.

Holy crap in a handbag, does Rachel Bilson have pierced nipples? Have a look at the evidence yourself. And yes, it may be pathetic and not of interest to a lot of you, but when have I ever given a shit about that? The only things I care about are boobs, games, liquor, and more boobs.

And just in case you really don’t give a crap about her potentially having some nipple bling, here are some better quality photos of Jennifer Garner’s nipple slip from earlier this year. Enjoy.

Anything to distract me from the fact that I’m not playing Mario Galaxy or Call of Duty 4 is welcomed right now.

For all of you sexless bastards sitting at home, using your own tears as a masturbatory lubricant and thinking that you’ll never, ever land a good woman… there is hope. I mean if the Peter Pan guy can get laid, just about anybody* can get laid.

*Anybody excluding Harry Knowles

Holy shit, Sarah Michelle Gellar isn’t dead! And she’s still hot! You’d think with all of the horrific downhill slides that so many other starlets have succumbed to, she’d be 100lbs overweight and stuck with a few baby Prinze Jrs by new.

According to her IMDB page, she’s doing… not much. Oh well, I don’t really need a reason to look at her semi-nude body, I just need a few minutes with my office door closed.

I guess that lady from last week should be thankful that her son only punched her. He could have taken it a few leaps further.

A teenager captured in a police sting operation appeared in court on Friday charged with plotting to murder his parents after they threw him out of the house for misbehaving.

According to detectives, the sting was set up when Ryder told the mother of one of his friends that he wanted to kill his parents. The woman contacted police, who directed her to tell him he could meet a hit man in a hotel. The “hit man” was a police officer wearing a recording “wire”.

Ryder has told Juvenile Services officials that he was angry that his parents had first confiscated his PlayStation and grounded him then thrown him out of the house and said that he felt under pressure to meet the man at the hotel, protesting that he never had any intention to kill. His defence lawyer theorised that Ryder might have heard the “two bullets” statement on television and that he parroted it without really meaning it. He accused the Troianos, a middle-class couple living in an affluent area of southern Maryland, of being bad parents.

Apparently Life decided to listen to my comment about my girlfriend and video games the other day and he, being the dick that he is, found it necessary to hand me a karma bitch slap. She took up Viva Pinata on Friday, and I’ve had about 30 minutes of Xbox 360 time to myself ever since. This article has been rather helpful, as I’ve been plotting her assassination since about 3PM on Saturday. I’ve written a big post-it on my monitor that says “no hitman referrals that meet in shady motels.” I’d worry about her seeing it, but like I said… she’s parked on the couch all fucking day.

Sometimes my girlfriend likes to tell me that I spend too much time playing video games. Sometimes I like to respond with thinly-veiled threats of violence. It’s a cute thing, or at least it’s cute to me. Apparently it’s not so cute when you actually punch someone for it, like this kid.

The parents told deputies their son was playing Halo 3, and it was getting late and he needed to shut it off. When the son refused to turn off the game, the parents reportedly took the air card out of his machine so he couldn’t play anymore.

Reports show the son became enraged, went through the house looking for the air card, and then punched his mother, prompting the parents to call the Sheriff’s Office.

After the boy retreated to his bedroom and locked it, the mother knocked on the door and told him he needed to come out and talk to the deputies, the report stated. But the juvenile allegedly responded with profanity.

Harnage and another deputy entered the room using a key from the parents to arrest the son, according to the report. The son fought the deputies – at one time punching Harnage on the lip – until they handcuffed him.

Wow.

…over Halo 3? Not The Orange Box, or something worth punching your own mother over?

I’m sorry to have to do this to you, but seriously… how much is she paying her miserable bunch of sycophants to tell her that she looks good in something like this?

If those fuckers can say “You look soooOOooo hot Brit-Brit!” with a straight face, they deserve a considerable raise.

And if you’re the self-loathing type, here are some more photos and even a video. They have the nerve to call her “sexy” which I’m hoping was meant to be sardonic.