Author: Sharkey

Keira Knightley is going to be in King Arthur, which is probably going to be a $100 million experiment in just how much suck Jerry Bruckheimer can convince the director to shove into an hour and thirty minutes of your life, and still get you to pay for it. I’m guessing just slightly more than Kangaroo Jack, what do you think?

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What was I talking about?

[ It was bound to happen sooner or later ]

That new federal anti-spam law has claimed a couple of its first victims, and it looks like this one will sting a bit.

Prosecutors said Jason Smathers, 24, stole 92 million AOL screen names while working at AOL offices in Dulles, Va., and sold the list to a Las Vegas man, Sean Dunaway. Dunaway used it to send gambling ads and then sold it to spammers, a criminal complaint said.

Smathers was to appear in court in Virginia. No lawyer for him could be located. Each man could face up to five years in prison and at least $250,000 in fines if convicted.

Smathers was not authorized to have access to the screen name list, which is kept in Dulles, but used another employee’s access code last year to steal it, prosecutors said. AOL fired Smathers on Wednesday.

So he was still working there while he was off selling the list for 100K. Then a week later he’s jobless, and possibly looking at five years and a quarter of a million dollar fine. Not bad for a 21-year old.

He’ll be OK though. I hear you get mad street cred in the pen for being a computer geek. Especially one who helps you get Viagra SPAM.

I don’t want you all to think I’ve been slacking on the pie recently. As a matter of fact, the exact opposite is true. Solo and I have been cracking on some new shit for SOTD, and the task is slightly daunting, to say the least. But when it’s done, it’ll all be worth the effort. In the meantime, you can enjoy Kirsten Dunst.

My old pal Tracer Bullet seems to think that Spider-Man sucked, and therefore Spider-Man 2 will also suck. But this is coming from a guy who truly thinks that Daredevil was a good film, so to each his own.

Mabs sent in this story, with only one bit of commentary. Fuckin’ French. I’m inclined to agree.

The southern French city of Marseille called off a three-week hunt for a black panther on Tuesday after the animal sighted by several residents turned out to be a large house cat.

“The ‘panther’ is just a black house cat — a very big one though,” said a spokeswoman for the local prefecture, adding the animal was about 24 inches long and weighed some 22 pounds.

So the French are essentially afraid of Garfield.

…Sounds about right.

Almost 2 fucking year to the day, son! Floyd gives me a call last night, shortly after leaving the Gf’s 21st birthday party (time to rob a new cradle, she’s ancient now) to inform me of an interesting development in his grocer’s freezer. After all these years of searching, my dear friends, they have finally re-released Jell-O® Goddamned Pudding Pops. Now my first response was to tell him what a fucking liar he was, and that the streets would flow with the blood of his cold black heart for teasing me in such a manner. But then, not wanting to be hasty, I put my shiv down and took a stroll down to the grocery store. And what I saw brought a frozen tear to my eye, but that’s only because I had crammed myself inside the freezer so that I could get a little bit closer to these babies:

Revel in the glory of this gloriously glorious day, or your life is forfeit!

TIVOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Needless to say, my Tivo and I are no longer cohabitating peacefully. Two days ago it started skipping, and today it began an endless cycle of rebooting to what the Tivo folks call the “Green Screen Of Death.” Now I have to pull the hard drives out and figure out why my only child has been slain. Slain in front of my own two fucking eyes. And I will find his killer, and I will destroy him with my bare hands.

GIVE ME BACK MY SON!

I was perusing IMDB just a few minutes ago, and came across this little exerpt regarding Jennifer Aniston:

Hollywood star Jennifer Aniston has rubbished reports she is pregnant, but boasts she is “having fun trying” with husband Brad Pitt. The couple complain that contrary to rumors, they are not yet expecting a child, although they admit they recently visited Italy – while Pitt was filming blockbuster sequel Ocean’s Twelve – hoping the country’s romantic atmosphere would help their desperate attempt to conceive their first child. Aniston’s representative Stephen Huvane insists, “The report is false.” The 35-year-old beauty adds, “We’re absolutely in the process though.”

Heh heh. Having fun trying, eh? That’s what I like to hear.

I think we all know what she’s talking about, don’t we?

*wink wink* *nudge nudge*

That’s right. After conferring with our Italian correspondents, it turns out that Ms. Aniston has been quite busy the last few weeks. I hope her wrists aren’t throbbing after all this work:

If you drink enough NyQuil® and coffee together during the day, you can change the rotation of the Earth with your very mind. Tremble in fear, mortals, or I’ll spin this bitch so hard you’ll find your ass implanted on the surface of Jupiter!

[ Garage Becomes Kickass Home Theater ] – I posted this specifically for Floyd. If you are not Floyd, please take this opportunity to healthify a penis near you. Its for the greater good kids, these wangs aren’t going to detoxify themselves, you know.

I love this story, because it gets funnier and funnier the more I think about it. Seems that the US government is saving a few shillings by having the border patrol’s uniforms manufactured in Mexico. So yes, in essence, these folks are being paid to clothe the backs of the same people paid to keep them on their fucking side of the border. Maybe we should outsource our pistol manufacturing to Mexico as well.

Mr. Bonner, in Washington today to testify before the House Select Committee on Homeland Security, noted that a $500-a-year uniform allowance paid to the field agents has not been increased while the cost of their basic gear, including $27 shirts and $32 trousers, has gone up as much as 10 percent. “They say they’re saving money,” Mr. Bonner said. “If they are, none of those savings are being passed on to us. I think this is just the wrong thing to do; it’s the wrong message to send.”

Whoa whoa whoa, now hold on there a second Pedro. I’ve lived within 100 miles of the border for the entirety of my existence. And within all that time I can tell you, my fellow gringos, this one simple fact: nothing that comes into this country from Mexico has ever cost upwards of $27 dollars.

Either somebody is getting ripped off, or the dollar has deflated a lot more than the rest of us anticipated.