Author: Sharkey

• Nerd Topic 1: The New Nintendo DS Design. – They also finalized the name as Nintendo DS. Good for them, this thing looks a lot better than the hunk of plastic I saw at E3.
• Nerd Topic 2: KOTOR 2 Trailer. – Yeah, it’s pretty much the same game as before, but that’s not a bad thing. With all the crap innovation going on these days (touch screen controlled Metroid and forced online play on my fucking console, anyone?) its nice to see some developers sticking with a formula that works for a change. I like innovation as much as the next guy, but for fuck’s sake they’re making fat nerds have their character balance food and exercise in the next GTA game. I like the blatently sardonic too, but let’s not go apeshit here. Some of these fat pricks have feelings too, you know.

  …actually, I don’t give a rat’s ass about their feelings. I just think it’s going to be annoying when I’m in the middle of ditching the pigs and my character suddenly gets a Big Mac attack.

• Final Nerd-ocity: Possible Final Fantasy Classics on the Nintnedo DS. – I think the math is pretty fucking obvious, Square. Take the PS1 versions of Final Fantasy 4,5 & 6. Add them to a handheld system. This equals money. I will buy them. All of them. I am a whore. Put out Chrono Trigger too, I dare you, fuckers. I’ll buy them all and fucking like it.

  And while you’re at it, put out FF VII on the PSP, or I’ll gouge your slanty eyes out of their sockets.

I made some updates to the Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley galleries, so they can share the SOTD spotlight for today.

Don’t forget the Natalie Portman and Keira Knightley galleries over at Sliceoftheday. And eat your Wheaties®.

[ Simpsons To Out Gay Character ] – Well, who didn’t see this coming? In a future episode, they’re going to spoof the whole gay marriage fiasco by making it legal in Springfield. Homer then rushes to get himself ordained over the internet. Dig:

While the evidence may point to Waylon Smithers, slathering lackey to billionaire Montgomery Burns, the producers warned against rushing to judgment.

Barney Gumble: Could his drinking be fueled by a love that dare not burp its name? Odds: 10-1.
Professor Frink: The town’s resident inventor could only love a Borg. Or a really nice George Foreman grill. Odds: 50-1.
Nelson Muntz: Beneath that bully’s exterior lies the heart of someone just waiting to grow into a bigger bully. Odds: 125-1.
Comic Book Guy: Everyone knows comic book geeks are babe magnets. Odds: 500-1.
Carl: What do we really know about Homer’s fellow nuclear technician? Not much – except he is inseparable from best buddy Lenny. Odds: 5-1.
Waylon Smithers: Collects Malibu Stacy dolls, favors cutoffs on his day off, lives in the gay part of town and has a crush on his boss. By “Simpsons’“ standards, this is circumstantial evidence. Odds: 1,200,037-1.

OK, so it’s not going to be the token gay character. Still, why theorize that it’s Carl? Lenny is the bottom of that relationship, especially after Mount Carlsmore. And the rest of the fellas have been seen in hetero relationships, so I’m going to doubt most of them. Lenny and Carl’s relationship is funny because its supposedly hetero, so taking that away would be stupid. I’d say they’ll make it someone that they can use the once, and not mention it very often again. Like Patty, Groundskeeper Willy, or the very obvious Sea Captain.

Wow. I feel like a big fucking dork right now. Awesome.

And being a DVD whore, as well as a Lord Of The Rings whore, I have to relay the following information regarding the Special Edition DVD to you. And if you don’t like it, just kind of fuck around for a minute, I’ll post some titties for you or something.

From TheDigitalBits.com — The set will feature more than 50 additional minutes of footage, including some 300 additional effect shots. Among the new scenes we were able to preview this weekend were: the final confrontation between Gandalf and Sarumon at Isengard, the “mouth” of Sauron at the Black Gate, Aragorn revealing the sword Anduril to Sauron’s eye in the Seeing-stone, the confrontation between the Witch King and Gandalf at Minas Tirith, more battle footage on the Pelennor fields, Frodo and Sam marching with Sauron’s forces disguised as Orcs, Faramir telling Denethor that he would never use the power of the Ring, Aragorn looking down upon a fleet of Corsair ships from a ridgetop, Faramir and Éowyn at the House of Healing, Merry pledging allegiance to King Theoden at Gondor, Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli narrowly escaping an avalanche of skulls deep inside the Dwimorberg and MUCH more. From what we’ve seen, this final extended cut promises to be every bit as good as the previous two. We also learned that the set will feature more than 20 hours of supplemental content.

That’s not all. In addition to the 4 disc set, there will also be another special collector’s gift set, that will include the 4-disc Extended Edition along with a bonus DVD – Howard Shore: Creating the Lord of the Rings Symphony – A Composer’s Journey Through Middle-earth – and a miniature Sideshow/Weta statue of Minas Tirith, which doubles as a trinket box.

Man alive, that’s a lot of shit that I can’t wait to see. As a matter of fact, I was a bit pissed that a lot of it (with the exception of the ridiculous death of Sarumon) wasn’t in the theatrical version. The whole ending of the movie where the last of the survivors attack the orcs changes with the addition of the Mouth Of Sauron scene. And Aragorn revealing himself? Where the fuck was that? These are pivotal scenes in the books, but Jackson thought that we needed that time for more Liv Tyler (which I paradoxically love and hate) and five minutes of extra time so that the end could be in slo-mo most of the time. Personally, I wouldn’t have cared about an extra ten minutes if it meant I got a couple of additional missing plot pieces.

*sigh*

Alright, time to hang up my nerd hat and put on my pie hat. See you in a few, bitches.

Well, I got back from The Comic-Con International 2004 yesterday. I have to say that I’m truly underwhelmed. We had a good time going down there and bumming around for awhile, but the Con itself seemed a little… bland. There wasn’t much that I cared about, and what little I did care about was MIA. Like the Batman Begins teaser, for example. And something new on Resident Evil: Apocalypse would have been nice.

There were a few delights, however. I picked up a DVD set of “The Mysterious Cities Of Gold” from one of those bootleg vendors. I already had the whole series on VHS, but I wanted to see the extra shit. I’m a dork for nostalgia, what of it? I also was pleased to see Rob Liefeld manning an empty booth, seemingly making his 3000th sketch of Bedrock/Badrock/The Thing 2 since he wasn’t going to be bothered by any customers this year. (By the way, I love the Penny-Arcade guy’s take on Rob) But other than that, I only found a few things to be interesting:

ATHF toys will soon be in my possession

The “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” DVDs are my new treats, so they will be adequately accompanied by these ATHF toys soon enough. I wonder if they’ll make a real squirting Travis of the Cosmos toy? Or Mooninites, with real flipping off action!

Scott Kurtz is way fatter than I thought

I mean like, way fatter. Like really really unhealthy kind of fatter. Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy and his work, but somebody needs to get Jared the Subway bitch to give Scott a call. Fast. Or maybe we could set up a sumo match between him and Harry Knowles, which would be disgustingly fascinating.

The quantity of ass is sadly decreasing

I saw a few really hot chicks at the con dressed up like Supergirl and the like, but I didn’t snap pictures right off the bat. Why? Because I expected more. Much, much more. What I got was a higher ratio of fat smelly dorks to hotties than I’ve ever seen in my life. And I had to go to a D&D Con with a gaming company years ago, I have seen some shit my brethren. I finally had to give up and snap this random pic of a chick’s ass as we departed towards the parking lot.

Anyway, I’ll probably still go next year, but probably on Thursday or Friday instead of Sunday. You can come visit me, I’ll be at Rob Leifeld’s booth asking him questions like “IS YO FLY BUTTONED?!?” and “How much for naked pictures of your wife?”

I just took a look at this little advice column, and I have to say that I’m a little disappointed. It’s called You’re Caught In The Act, and its about what you should do if your kid walks in on you and someone having sex. Now, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore and Dr. Ruth’s advice is getting more stale than her undercarriage, so why not throw in a little bit of originality?

Let’s just dissect this motherfucker bit by bit, shall we?

• Don’t get angry. Tell her calmly yet firmly to leave your room, close the door, and go back to her own. Yelling at her could scare her and make her think that what she saw was wrong.

• If your child bolted on her own, follow her back to her room.

OK, wait. We’re kicking them out, having them shut the door, and we’re not going back to the business at hand? What am I, a goddamned robot? If I don’t finish my duty of rockin’ that booty, the terrorists win. So, after polishing her off, its time to console the child.

Now, this is where I would like to avoid the unpleasantness, and explain to the child that a burglar came in, stole our clothes, and made us wrestle while he made his escape. But something tells me that this is not the best course of action. Besides, these kids watch MTV from the age of four now, I’m sure the Christina Aguilera videos have properly educated the child on what was happening. And if you’re gay, then HBO has properly educated the child on what was happening, so you’re golden.

The article states that you need to talk to the child, answering questions openly and honestly. But considering their modern upbringing, the questions will probably revolve around whether or not you “wrapped it up” or if she likes it in the butt. These are questions for the child’s therapist, not his parent. Unless the kid is 13+, and on his way to becoming a pimp. In which case, you should have had a long instructional chat with him already, including but not limited to the donkey punch and it’s many variations.

• Sooth your lover. Your first obligation is to your kids, so you’ll need to explain to your lover that you’ll be back as soon as you make sure the kids are OK. When you’re through with the kids, the two of you need to talk. One or both of you may be freaked out by the whole experience, so discuss what you’re both feeling.

Ok, one of the people involved in this is a dude, right? Discuss what you’re feeling? Why not discuss what you could be feeling? I say laugh it off and get ready for round two. Especially if she’s an exhibitionist, in which case take her outside and let the neighbors’ kids get an education.

Not really much of a point to this post I guess, I just hate when people make cookie-cutter advice articles based on pop psychology bullshit from 1986.

Gentlemen, set your wangs to “splode.”

The toymaker Hasbro’s “Transformers” line will be hitting the silver screen.

Dreamworks, the film company co-founded by Steven Spielberg, will oversee the Transformers movie, scheduled for release in summer 2006. They’re calling it a “thrilling action adventure.”

Pawtucket-based Hasbro created Transformers in 1984. The product has expanded into a comic book series, a television program on the Cartoon Network and an animated feature film.

Hasbro will act as consultants to the film. Dreamworks will distribute the movie domestically, while Paramount will market it overseas.

Joblo.com is reporting that this little bomb was dropped sometime during the Comic-Con this week. However, a quick search of the net turns up some older stories, which are now updated with the news that Spielberg is attached to produce. Whatever, I just hope it doesn’t fucking suck. And it would be nice if they found Lion and had them do the Transformers theme again, maybe some Stan Bush licks on the soundtrack.

And maybe not so much of this. (NSFW… I guess.)

I love the Final Fantasy, it makes me happy. Well, except for when it sucks, like 8. Or bores me, like 9 (or did I switch those two?). Or is online… well fuck, alright. I guess most of the time, I love Final Fantasy. That’s why I’ve got mixed bits of happiness and dread regarding Square’s plan to do a Final Fantasy VII spinoff (not Advent Children, mind you) that supposedly stars Vincent. Who when I played the game, accidentally got an extra “e” at the end of his name when I did the confirmation screen, so I call him Vincente. There goes Vincente, Latin gunslinging vampire extraordinaire.

Also, I’m pleased to hear about the new RPG Company “Mist Walker”, spearheaded by Final Fantasy godfather Hironobu Sakaguchi. He’s teaming up with old school FF artist Yoshitaka Amano, so hopefully they will bring some of the old school elements that I miss back into the mix.

Now that I have successfully endured my nerd fix for the day, I will wash the stench of desperation off my body and re-emerge to post a slice of the day. This could take awhile, so don’t hold your breath.

So I was driving down the street just a few minutes ago, windows rolled down because its so fucking hot out right now. I cruise up inbetween a little white car and some overly rank sanitation truck.

I look to the right, and the white car is filled with hotties. The driver sees me, I give a slight nod of acknowledgement. The girls in the back look over and smile. It’s a good California day, you know? Then the light turns green, I start to drive up to my turn, and I check over to the right. The driver and the side passenger are looking. So I’m about to flash them a smile when my left arm starts to give a funny tingle. I turn it over and I kid you not, the biggest fucking bee thing I’ve ever seen is now resting on my forearm.

“GAAAAAAAH!” I yelped, as I threw the thing out the window and simultaneously slammed on the clutch, making an excellent rev. I immediately realized my complete lack of slickness, while I batted at the somehow newly returned bee thing, which was now settling in my hair. After I tried to calmly brush him off my head (to save face, naturally) I looked back to the right to see the girls chuckling.

Thanks bee, for the humility.

[ Tree Fiendishly Murders Environmentalist ]

TULSA – Blake Champlin, a Tulsa lawyer and environmental activist, died Monday at his home when a tree supporting a hammock fell and crushed him.

Champlin, 45, died instantly, said Gerald Hilsher, an attorney with Shipley & Kellogg, Champlin’s former law firm.

All right, you know the drill. Start your captioning….. NOW! I’ll start.

The tree just wanted to hug him back.
     or…
If a tree falls on a hippy, and there’s nobody around, does he make a sound?