Author: Sharkey

I apologize for the title of this post, but I heard that song the other day, and now you must suffer as well.

Hey, speaking of suffering, did you hear that the man-woman Chyna has now joined the ranks of the rich and famous with explicit sex tapes of themselves floating around. …yeah. Exciting.

True, this is the Enquirer (not to be confused with the Inquirer) but I usually tend to trust when third rate hollywood skanks supposedly have fucky sucky footage of themselves. Oops, I just happened to join a fledgeling trend and “accidentally” boosted my career by being a whore, which is oddly enough, my profession. Too bad it had to be a woman who could flex during sex and squish your junk with her labia like she was mashing a banana.

[ Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About The Bikini ] – As long as they are jam-packed with girly bits, I don’t care where they came from. But this is still pretty neat, bunch o pictures as well.

The place were staying in is amazing. This guest house must be worth a million on its own. Pictures of the house and random hawaiian ass to follow.

If I could wrussle your bitch ass out of bed right now, to share my pain of having to be up right now for the airport, I would.

See you in the Hawaii.

** Update ** Wow. Not even a full half hour later, and I’m at the airport, in my terminal, wishing for sleep or death. Now I feel… Well, kinda stupid. I could have easily left a half hour from now (thanks Killbot for the ride) and still made it with time to spare.

The folks at check-in and the baggage check areas are remarkably chipper for 4:30 in the AM. I was in full on “fuck you its fucking early you stupid fuck” greeting mode, but their upbeat attitude was pretty catchy. They got me down to one expletive per sentence, and that’s unheard of for this fucking time of morning. Or night. I dislike not being able to classify my current state of being.

Currently, I am trying to keep myself inebriated to the point where my insomnia kicks in. This is because in five hours, I will be at LAX, getting ready to head to Hawaii.

I’ve never been, but I’m stoked. I’m going with Bolt, Killbot, and a hot girl. The hot girl being Bolt’s… something. So I guess I’m basically going with Killbot. THATS RIGHT KILLBOT, IM MAVERICK AND YOURE ICEMAN. BULLSHIT, YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN!

*ahem*

While I would appreciate if other writers would… well, I guess write. But thankfully, I have m’ Sidekick. I’ll continue to post. I gotta go though, booze is a callin’.

Bad news for Carmen Electra fans, if there are any left. Seems that the star of… well, whatever she gets naked in, has decided that she needs less of a rack. And no, sadly, it is not so that she can make room for a third tit like that chick in Total Recall.

…what? You were all thinking the same damn thing.

From IMDB.com

Former Baywatch beauty Carmen Electra is set to leave her hordes of male fans hugely disappointed – because she’s considering having her breasts reduced. The sexy actress, married to rocker Dave Navarro, had her chest size boosted in the 90s, but now often has regrets about not having stayed natural. Electra says, “I had nice breasts to begin with. They weren’t the biggest boobs (but) I just think it was really trendy (to have implants) at a certain time and I decided to do it. There’s moments when I think it’s kind of silly and I wish I would’ve just stayed natural.” She adds of her husband Navarro, “He actually wants me to get ’em bigger but I said no.”

Meh, she’s getting old anyway, so I guess it’s better to bow out gracefully rather than age horribly in the public eye. Besides, I would imagine that most 80-year-old women wouldn’t want to carry around silicone (or saline) all the time. She’d be kneeing them into people’s faces every time she took a walk.

Then again, Harry Knowles probably has the same problem. Maybe an industrial strength Bro is the answer.

Ladies, start yo’ drankin’!

It is news guaranteed to raise a cheer among those who enjoy a glass or two: drinking half a bottle of wine a day can make your brain work better, especially if you are a woman.

Research to be published tomorrow by academics at University College London has found that those who even drink only one glass of wine a week have significantly sharper thought processes than teetotallers.

“Our results appear to suggest some specificity in the association between alcohol consumption and cognitive ability,” said the team. “Frequent drinking may be more beneficial than drinking only on special occasions.”

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about, scientists! Knock one right outta the fucking park. This is far more beneficial than the scientific discovery that semen is filled with protein. Damned Atkins fad didn’t do shit with that one.

But back on point, we have some celebrating to do, and it is all thanks to this man, and his team of ass-kicking titty loving scientists. Good work crew, we owe you one.

Now if they can figure out a way to convince these drunkard chicks that sleeping with webmasters makes you shit diamond necklaces, I’m in the chips. At least then I can stop telling women that I’m a garbage man.

[ When Nerds Get Tatoos ] – strangely enough, one of the chicks is pretty cute. Of course you get the obligatory dorks with fake circuitry, although the spinal double helix looked pretty cool.

I know a lot of folks (*ahem* Bud, Billy Ray, I’m looking at you) who have Star Wars tatoos, which is where I pretty much draw the nerd line. Anything dorkier than that is traversing dangerously into scary waters. Although I do have to admit my one nerd vice, and that’s Zelda. When I was a kid, I always thought it would be cool to get the triforce inked on the back of my hand, like Link and Zelda have. Yeah, I thought that would be cool right up until I realized that sex was something that I might want to have someday. And thus, the dream had to die.

That’s right, welcome to August. And now welcome to a bunch of reasons that I will buy a Nintendo DS. I’m just going to run down the shit that I actually care about, rather than the whole list of shit like Monster Farmer and whatnot.

Aaaaaand…. GO!

Castlevania (Konami)
Viewtiful Joe (Capcom)
Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles (Square Enix)
Secret of Mana (Square Enix)
New Team Ninja Game (Tecmo)

I might care about the Boktai or the Sonic game, but goddammit, there’s already like ten games for the thing that I will more than likely buy. Screw you, Nintendo. I work hard for this money. …well, I work for this money. …well… It’s my money goddammit, and now you’re blatently stealing it from my pocket, and handing me back magic beans. Except these beans are made of silicon and plastic. And I am addicted to these beans like some sort of crack/heroin/nicotine/Krispy Kreme mixture, and I will do anything to get them. Anything.

Hmm… maybe that was too much sharing for a Monday morning.

Since Killbot was so kind as to point these out to me last night, I figured somebody ought to inform the three or four of you who have not yet seen them:

• [ Batman Begins Teaser Trailer ] – Sweet, next year is going to kick some serious ass. I love that they show him trotting the globe, hopefully learning how to fight and whatnot. I can’t wait, the cast on this movie is fucking amazing already. And it never hurts in Sharkey land when you throw my wife Katie Holmes into the mix.
• [ Hitchhiker’s Guide Teaser Trailer ] – Not much meat, but its a pretty goddamn good trailer.

Now as long as George Lucas can keep his dirty mitts out of the “suck” jar when he’s making the next Star Wars flick, Summer 2005 is going to be kickass all the way around!

I was kidding. He had the suck jar permanently attached to his dick twenty years ago. But two out of three ain’t bad.

There were a bunch of pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a skimpy lil’ bikini the other day, and I know how much you fellas like that freshly-out-of-the-oven pie. Better soak her up soon, because most of you seem to lose interest in these chicks once they’ve turned 18. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that you’re all a bunch of fucking perverts.

…of course, I put them up for the same reason, so enjoy, my perverted bretheren.

I can’t beleive she’s dating that Fez kid. I figured his play would dry up like the Sahara after he looked like such a lil’ bitch on “Punked.” Apparently Lindsay is into the short crybaby with an accent kind of guy.

Oh, and don’t forget about the SOTD Lindsay Lohan gallery.