Author: Sharkey

[ The Freshman 15 Challenge ] – Dear sweet Jesus. These kids have got the wrong fucking idea. You’ve got it backwards, you stupid bastards! Backwards!

The latest fan-trailer Grayson is sweeping the Net like crabs through a brothel. And it’s actually pretty damn good. Far more of a story idea than the whole “Batman: Dead End” trailer, although the guy does subscribe to that trailer’s wanton usage of outside characters simply for “HOLY SHIT OMFG@#%R@#” factor. I was feeling it right up until the damned lasso.

[ Playboy To Do Video Game Chicks Spread ] – Why Hef? WHY?!?!

Her name’s Bloodrayne and she’ll make her naked debut alongside a feature in the upcoming issue of the men’s magazine.

Joining her in the CGI photospread (which will accompany an article about the changing face of gaming) will be a handful of gaming characters. While not all the characters will appear in the pixilated buff, you can expect a lot of come hither looks from some butt-kicking women, including familiar faces from Midway’s “Mortal Kombat” franchise, Namco’s “Tekken” series and Vivendi’s upcoming “Red Ninja” and “Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude”. (See the accompanying pop-up gallery for some of the characters that were submitted to the magazine.)

*Puts head in hands and sighs*

…

*Looks towards pants*

STOP STIRRING DOWN THERE! No! Bad! Wrong!

[ Free Krispy Kremes For ‘A’ Students ] – Just ensuring that the already persecuted nerdy children will grow all the fatter, likely to further slide them down the social ladder. And little Suzy thought she’d cure cancer one day. Sorry sweetie, you’ll be too busy fighting that eating disorder and/or diabetes. And that’s just your late twenties.

I’m totally getting a Krispy Kreme on my way to work tomorrow, btw.

OK, now there is definitely a good reason to buy the Nintendo DS. Well, possibly a good reason. Well, speculatively a good reason. Fuck, alright, I guess its nothing more than a fanboy’s wet dream, but they may be doing a conversion of N64 Goldeneye for the new handheld. Tasty.

Everyone’s dreams has finally come true. GCA has confirmed once-fabled rumors with our close contacts at Electronic Arts:

* Goldeneye for the Nintendo DS is being developed and published by Electronic Arts with it being exclusive to Nintendo.

* Goldeneye DS is based on the classic multi-million N64 hit.

* It will allow multiplayer between 8-16 players at a time, possibly even allowing for wi-fi internet play.

* It is unknown if the game is being built from scratch or based on the original engine.

They had better mean 2-16 players for multiplayer, because I doubt I’m going to know that many people who own a DS and Goldeneye. If that’s the case, I’d just stick with the N64 version. Oh, and they should put out the next-gen version of Perfect Dark one of these days, before I lose my thirst for alien blood.

Oh, and if Goldeneye utilizes the stylus for movement like the new (and completely useless to me) Metroid DS, I’m going to rip out a developer’s Goddamn eyes with the little pen and cram them up Harry Knowles’ ass, so they can see the anal equivalent of the cruel horrors that they have unleashed upon the world.

[ Your Mouse Is A Fucking Pussy ] – Dammit! I just plunked down the cash for the MX700, and they come out with this thing.

Question. Since this thing uses laser technology, will I be able to blind anybody around me? Don’t get me wrong, I love everyone I work with, but some clients are pretty much blind (towards design, anyway) as it is, may as well take it to the next level. Then they can sue Logitech. Then that will teach Logitech to stop putting out such awesome stuff. We all win! Well, not really. But it’d be a fucking awesome story to tell when you’re drunk.

LONGTIME just sent in a story about a charming Tanzanian fellow who went to a witch doctor, looking to get powers that would make him bulletproof. Maybe over in Tanzania they have SPAM that’s different than our standard P3nis P1lls and V1agra ads. Anyway, the guy’s dead. Darwinism wins again.

A Tanzanian who went to a witch doctor in search of the power to resist bullets and knife attacks died when ritual cuts made on his body proved fatal.

He was one of four suspected robbers from a village in Kasulu district in western Tanzania who visited the witch doctor on a quest for magic, the African newspaper reported Tuesday.

The witch doctor fled after the man died Monday from profuse bleeding, the newspaper said, adding that the three survivors were arrested when they went to a hospital.

If any of you have that God-awful “I saw the witch doctor” song stuck in your heads after reading that title, then my work here is done. I can’t suffer alone, you bastards.

[ Lucas To Make Episodes VII, VIII & IX? ] – stolen straight from the forum, sucka.

According to fan site Theforce.net, employees at Lucas’s company Industrial Light and Magic have all been made to sign non-disclosure agreements to promise not to talk about the possibility of episode’s seven, eight and nine being made.

A posting on the site says, “You didn’t hear this from me, but you might be curious as to why everyone at ILM just signed NDA’s saying that they will not discuss Star Wars episodes 7, 8, or 9.

“Since they’re not being made, why the NDA’s? Of course, since when has Lucas been consistent?”

Great. Superb idea. Fantastic. We’ve anally raped my childhood dreams of further Star Wars goodness, so why not follow up the sodomy by turning my memories over and going for the mouth? I’m telling you, the only way Lucas could get me interested in these flick (aside from dying a horribly painful death, and leaving complete creative control to somebody with talent) is by having Natalie Portman do a naked pole dance over Jar-Jar’s grave. And even then, I’m leaving right afterwards.

…because the movie would suck, not because I needed to… yeah. *ahem*

So yeah, I’ve been gone. But it’s been for three good causes: money, chicks, and money. Money, of course, being a precursor to more chicks, obviously. If it hasn’t been working on one universities website, its been going out with the ladies, or Killbot’s birthday, where we attempted to hook up with random hot LA chicks.

In fact, while we were at Killbot’s birthday shenanigans, I inadvertantly called one really hot girl an idiot while I was flirting with her. She was stoked on the fact that I’m a registered Republican, and lamented the fact that a Republican in L.A. is very hard to find. I countered that it is even more difficult to find a Republican who knows what they are talking about. Case in point is anyone who hates Michael Moore, but knows nothing of the man, his books, articles, movies, tv shows, etc. I stated that anyone in this category was a complete moron and not worth wasting time talking to. Yeah, she got pretty frosty after that comment. Guess which category she admitted falling into?

Although that was nowhere near as bad as when I made a nice racially horrific comment towards Killbot (he’s a Jew, I was raised Christian, so savior-killing jokes are always passed around between us) while he was flirting with a fellow child of Abraham. Now see, it’s not my fault. I always bring the Hebrew-ladened funny when I’m drunk, and this was no exception. The girl clearly set it up by talking trash on goyim, and when Killbot stated that he always gets picked on, she responded with “don’t worry man, because we’re the chosen people, right?”

This is where I slurred “Chosen for what, the oven?”

Yeah, everyone swears that she didn’t hear me, which is probably for the best. But everyone else did. And that made all the difference. Good thing we weren’t at Jerry’s Famous Deli.

A fun night was had by all. Even Killbot, who threw up all over a bathroom stall, and a car.

Whoops. Additions:

Bolt: and it would be great to put up the voice message i left for killbot about holding his key ring hostage for alcohol…..you need to hear it…hilarious
Sharkey: i should!
Bolt: i told him i was holding his leatherman hostage until he brings back our alcohol..and then you said in the backgroud, “or brings back our savior!”
Bolt: funny times

[ More Info On The Sofa-Woman Who Died ] – Pretty sad story. They’re looking into pressing charges against family members who let her live that way. She was a big girl (no pun intended), she could make her own decisions.