Author: Sharkey

Aside from the research grants that they get to study monkeys fucking, breast sizes, and other noble efforts, they also get asked to investigate some of the most baffling mysteries that modern society has to offer. Walk with me, won’t you?

Mathematicians from the University of Exeter have solved the mystery of traffic jams by developing a model to show how major delays occur on our roads, with no apparent cause. Many traffic jams leave drivers baffled as they finally reach the end of a tail-back to find no visible cause for their delay.

The team developed a mathematical model to show the impact of unexpected events such as a lorry pulling out of its lane on a dual carriageway. Their model revealed that slowing down below a critical speed when reacting to such an event, a driver would force the car behind to slow down further and the next car back to reduce its speed further still.

The result of this is that several miles back, cars would finally grind to a halt, with drivers oblivious to the reason for their delay. The model predicts that this is a very typical scenario on a busy highway (above 15 vehicles per km). The jam moves backwards through the traffic creating a so-called ‘backward travelling wave’, which drivers may encounter many miles upstream, several minutes after it was triggered.

Wow. That must come straight from a government think tank to achieve such amazing results. How do these fucks get granted millions of dollars for research and only have to turn in an answer that an 8-year-old child could deduce?

“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe when one guy pushes on his brakes, it makes people behind him hit their brakes or something. Can I have my lollipop now?”

Yes Billy, you can. Thank you for saving us 8 million in research funding.

Not a week and a half after I finally re-enter the world of high definition television (it’s been a rough six months) my 360 greets me with some green & red holiday cheer. I can’t wait to get on the phone with those friendly overseas tech support representatives to discuss how much the next 3-4 weeks of my life will suck. Deciphering what those Indian support reps have to say is like a 360 game, albeit a mildly shitty one, like Gun or Call of Juarez.

My condolences also go out to my homey Captain Terror, who just received his second red ring of death this year. I’ll pour a forty for you too, chief.

Well tarnation, it looks like lil’ 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant. Mama Spears must be happy, as this franchise just seems to keep paying off in spades. Just think of how much Britney merchandise will be worth once she’s overdosed or gone on a shooting spree in K-Fed’s dance studio?

Lynne Spears, already grandmother to Britney’s young sons, told the magazine: “I didn’t believe it because Jamie Lynn’s always been so conscientious. She’s never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby.”

She said her actress daughter, the telegenic heroine of her popular Nickelodeon series, has known Aldridge for years and began dating him in high school.

But in a recent interview with The Associated Press, Spears said she had no steady boyfriend. “I kind of just keep my options open,” she said. “I have a bunch of friends that I always hang out with, a bunch of guy friends.” She declined to talk about her older sister.

You’ve gotta wonder if they decided she shouldn’t talk about Britney because it would be “harmful to her career” to associate with statutory rape, or if the pregnant underaged trailer-park-raised “casual dater” just waved the reporters off and scoffed “Jesus, don’t even get me started on that disaster.”

A shitty version of The Dark Knight trailer hit the web today, so watch away until we are blessed with an HD version:

**Edit: Fuck that, here’s the HD trailer.

Not appearing in this film: Rutger Hauer, or Katie Holmes’ poky nipples. What you get in their place is Eric Roberts, the guy who played Spawn, and Anthony Michael Hall. Oh, and in the worst possible recasting ever, Maggie Gyllenhaal as Ms. Holmes. Yeah, she’s a great actress, but you didn’t cast a great actress in the first flick, why do so in this one? People are going to realize that the character suddenly has personality and depth. Oh, and an uglier face.

The ebb: Jessica Alba is pregnant.
The flow: Jessica Simpson is considering going nude in a film.

Unless the Simpson news is just bullshit media fluff, it seems that life has its ways of balancing everything out. Kind of like how Charisma Carpenter did Playboy, but wound up having weird nipples.

There’s not much that can distract my attention from Hayden Panettiere on “Heroes” but the excruciatingly cute Kristen Bell does a mighty fine job. The recent spread in Complex had some additional photos that didn’t make the mag, so go check out the whole collection in the gallery.

Now that Ali Larter has been blown to bits, (though the rumor is that her “Jessica” persona will be back somehow) there’ll be a little more time for a potential Claire/Elle lesbian affair. I can dream.

Also, that “Jessica returns” rumor had better not be true. I hate that the show made me dislike watching Ali, and I don’t want to revisit those feelings any time soon.

Holy shit, anyone who is a fan of Alan Moore’s “Watchmen” should take a look at these backlot photos that FaaQ just sent me. The scenery is just… ridiculously spot-on. Hopefully the screenplay can emulate the story just as accurately.

I decided to browse C.D. Payne’s website this morning to see if he had any new books on the horizon, and found this interesting piece of information about Youth In Revolt:

Youth In Revolt Movie

This book has been optioned by Dimension Films (the Weinsteins’ new company). Michael Cera (“Superbad”) has been cast as Nick. No director has been named. Filming is expected to commence in spring 2008.

Oh sweet mother of mercy, that’s maybe the best news I’ve heard all year. And according to IMDB, it’s true. And despite being about five or six years too old for the part, Michael Cera could really do an amazing job. Hopefully he can pull off a mildly elitist attitude along with that awkward charm that makes Michael Cera so fucking awesome.

And if you haven’t read the book, do it now. I’ve read more books than I care to remember and this is the number one, absolute must read in my opinion. Plus this way when the movie comes out, you’ll be able to enjoy the parts that they were able to include. And considering the fact that the book is almost 1000 pages, you’ll be able to frown at the many many many parts that they had to omit.