Author: Jacko

First, let me introduce you to the next big thing in the underground world of prescription drug modding: Viagra pill splitting.

“Like most men I denied the existence of my erectile dysfunction problem. The false starts were very upsetting to my wife and me and we decided to share this reality with my personal physician who was eager to give me a few sample 25 Mg Viagra Tablets.

One day I overheard the men talking at the local health club about pill splitting and how a 100 Milligram Viagra pill could be split in two cutting your costs in half. Two pills per week at a cost of $10.00 each cost approximately $1000.00 per year. Cutting the pill in half I could save $500.00 a year.

My physician was well aware of the pill splitting practice and he readily prescribed the 100mg pill and I was off to the next part of my Viagra pill splitting experience.”

Now I need to skip ahead and reveal a little of the plot here in order to keep this on one page and vaguely interesting, but he goes on to describe how he couldn’t get the little motherfuckers to split in half, and every pill cutter he tried didn’t work. So, instead of bitching about it, he made his own pill cutter—the V2 pill splitter.

That is right MoFos, this little number can crack your Grandpa’s viagra pill in half saving him the cost of 3 hookers a year, and still leave him a fiver to throw in your birthday card.

But, contrary to my actions, the pleasantries of erectile dysfunction are not what I wanted to fill this post with. I just wanted to take a minute and give a BAMF salute to a man who saw a problem and solved it. So, without further ado, to the proprietor of the v2 pill splitter, I present the BAMF Award for Solving the Fucking Problem:

Thank you, and goodnight.

Better sit down for this one, astute researchers from the Pew & American Life project have uncovered the shocking revelation that “the Internet has become an integral part of college life, and not just for studying.”

The survey of college students across the country found that 86 percent use the Internet, compared with 59 percent of the overall U.S. population.

Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe. This is more incomprehensible than their recent discovery that eating McDonalds every day will turn you into a tubby piece of bloated shit, and slightly more amazing than the time they discovered that caboose is the preferred spot on the mantrain.

Which, (almost) leads us to the next question: what the fuck are the other 14 percent doing [for porn]?

“For this group of college students, the Internet just works. [Sitting down and jerking off to porn on their roommate’s hp pavillion] is like turning on the tap and getting water or turning on the TV,” says Steve Jones, the report’s lead author and chairman of the communications department at the University of Illinois at Chicago.That doesn’t mean students are slacking off. Jones says his research indicates that students are simply using the Internet to help them pack more [acquiring porn and jerking off] activity into less time.

Which frees them up to spend more of this saved time drinking Zima alone and watching the cartoon network. In all seriousness, realizing that the Dewey decimal system is only slightly more complicated than IP notation, the only reason the Internet is so popular with students doing homework is they are too fucking lazy and stupid to use a library.

Oh, that and they can use the Internet to whack off while they are pretending to do their college homework. Uh, not that I would know anything about that.

I was kicked out long ago for masturbating in the library.

Since my last post was somewhat un-diverse and obviously way too serious and un-funny for some of you, I decided as a gift on this Friday I am going to make it easy. Today, there will be:

• No “tongue-in-cheek” humor without the &lt/sarcasm&gt tag. I realize that it can be difficult to tell when I am serious or not, especially when I say things such as “we have all known from the days of gradeschool that being gay rots your brain and makes you want to eat puppies.” A couple more useful tags: &lt/parody&gt and &lt/satire&gt.
• I won’t rely on myself for humor. Instead, I am going to link directly to the non-tool king of comedy, Te(v)plar, and his extremely witty and insightful posts in the forum. On second thought, I don’t really need to link straight to his posts, since he posts in every single goddamn thread on the board, you can’t really miss him. Just be prepared to laugh your silly ass off &lt/sarcasm&gt.
• No HATRED!@@!! Yes, you will feel my love. To make sure you notice, I will be using the &lt/love&gt tag throughout.

One more thing while I am on topic (or not), Josh e, go the fuck back to fark.com. Because we all know how original and funny this shit is &lt/sarcasm&gt:

Jesus Christ I can’t stop laughing &lt/sarcasm&gt. Did I already tell you to fuck off and die? Good.

[Fark lovers read this:]

Note on fark.com, because I hate to get e-mail: Fark.com is a news portal, meaning they are a clearing house for other people’s content. I will be the first one to say that fark does a damn good job at what they do, and they have earned a loyal fanbase doing it. Go team. At BAMF, we make a mostly feeble attempt at original content, sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. I do hope that everyone that comes here finds at least some humor in the things we post (there is always the archives), but if you don’t, there are other places for you. You are not alone, and I wanted Josh e to be aware that he is a perfect candidate for the fark audience. One more thing, the headline I pulled happened to be the top one on the page, and I also might have gotten the role of fark in the civilized world wrong—be that the case, I am sorry.

So, now that that is out of the way and done with (since these are just my opinions and you lovingly respect that), time to get on with the non-threatening funny shit for the day.

[Praise the good lord almighty!]

It is good to see that those bigoted, fucking-gay-hating straight fuckwads have finally got some sense shoved into their tiny heterosexual brains and have voted to uphold a gay rights law protecting our beloved gay and lesbian populations in Miami-Dade county &lt/love&gt:

Voters in Miami-Dade County appear to have rejected an attempt by Christian conservatives to repeal an ordinance protecting gay rights.

Fuck the Christian conservatives, what right do they have to make a legal attempt to get others to understand their point of view &lt/satire&gt? And although the haters tried to stop it, the biggest win of all is that the law was upheld out of true concern for the gay and lesbian lifestyle &lt/sarcasm&gt:

The county`s political and business leaders had pushed to keep the ordinance, fearing a boycott from gay and liberal groups and the threatened rejection of the region`s bid to hold the 2004 Democratic National Convention.

It is heartwarming to see such true understanding of the challenges gays and lesbians face in this world of hate. Hugs for everyone!@!! Blowjobs all around!!!&lt/parody&gt

Yes, yes, I know, I am a comedy goldmine &lt/sarcasm&gt. I’ll end the punishment now before things get out of hand &lt/sarcasm&gt.

Well, I knew it was going to be a slow day in the news when I finally rolled in this morning and checked CNN:

Motherfucker. Now that leaching an easy win off a major news source is out, I will have to rely on raw wit, that is unless NHDJ1 wants to shop me up some fookin cool pictures, hopefully with flying indians and ninjas and shit complete with a coke’d up Brittney.

I mean, what else is a nigger to do? Yea, Yea, I’m becoming predictable. Time to make fun of some queers!!!!

[Gay candidates perform well in primaries]

That is right, it seems that many or our rainbowed friends are branching from the realm of gay butt sexxorz into the dirtier but equally exciting realm of politics. According to planetout, many gay candidates who ran in state and local primary races have passed the first hurdle of winning elected office.

Take, for example. Daniel Cicilline, who won some sort of nomination for something:

“This is an incredibly, incredibly exciting victory,” Cicilline told the Providence Journal. “I can’t wait to get home and sucks some dicks to celebrate.”

Cicilline is expected to win during the general election, when he faces three little-known and poorly funded challengers. This trend is becoming rather frightening since we have all known from the days of gradeschool that being gay rots your brain and makes you want to eat puppies. It also makes you want to spend more time in truckstops, even if they don’t have cable TV.

But, it’s time to get on to the REAL news: A gay homo butt sex wedding@!! (I am not making this up).

“The gay newlyweds of the moment are championship tag-team wrestlers who planned to exchange vows in a fake commitment ceremony Tuesday night during World Wrestling Entertainment’s weekly “Smackdown.”

It was a whirlwind engagement: In front of God and everybody last week in an arena in Green Bay, Wis., Chuck got down on one knee, pulled a diamond ring from his tights and popped the question. Billy wept with joy, and accepted.”

“The audience, from what we’ve seen, appears to be cheering them on,” he said. “While it’s entertaining for viewers, it’s also enlightening. Because of its teenage audience, ‘Smackdown’ reaches a lot of potential bullies and gay bashers out there, and what Billy and Chuck are saying is not only ‘We’re here,’ but they also say, ‘Don’t mess with us.'”

Uh, messing around with GAY HOMO FAGS!!!@!LOL!!@ shouldn’t be much of an issue.

[Side note: The wrestling picture is fucking mine in the MS Paint Story Time thread, so don’t even think about using it. Unless you can think of something funny to do with it and shit.]

I am slowly realizing that I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this morning.

One of the biggest problems in America is that there is not enough communication about danger. Sure, those of you that have never taken a bath with a toaster might disagree, but how the fuck would you feel if you were the toaster and some asshole took you into the drink?

And take this for example:

[Help! I burned my beanbag]

Buchi, now 20, was working for park concessionaire Amfac Parks & Resorts when he and two friends — Tyler Montague of Salt Lake City and Sara Hulphers of Oroville, Wash. — took a late-night walk near the Firehole River on Aug. 21, 2000.

In unison, the trio attempted to vault what they thought was a “thin ribbon of water,” according to Buchi’s suit. It was instead a small band of vegetation growing beside Cavern Springs, one of the many notorious and deadly hot springs that dot America’s oldest national park. The three friends landed in the blistering water.

Just because it is called the fucking FIREHOLE RIVER and it runs near the mecca of all fiery shit on earth, Yellowstone, doesn’t mean that this guy should need to test the water. Where is the spontanity-fit-for-a-mentos-commercial in that? For Christ’s sake he had a bitch with him, and bitches don’t want a guy that tests the water! they want a guy that downs a sixer, crushes a can on his head, and bails naked into the water screaming “HELLO WASHINGTON!”

Of course, that guy is usually prepared to pay the price of his actions, namely by blaming it on his friend, or the alcohol. But, I do agree that we need more warning signs.

Not that I’m saying a warning sign would have helped, but it definitely would have made him look tougher for jumping. And after the burns heal, that is all that really matters.