Author: Jacko

Fujitsu, a company which acquired its name from a now defunct ninja star manufacturing facility, has finally realized how boring it is to make computer parts, and has branched into the exciting world of making computer parts fit onto robots.

Fujitsu has launched a humanoid robot – based on a real-time version of the Linux operating system. The HOAP-2 is driven by an Intel Pentium III running at 700MHz. It is half a metre high and weights 7kg, and is scheduled to ship to Japanese consumers in July (Fujitsu will begin taking orders next month).

According to the article in the register, Fujitsu has no firm plans on how this real time robot will be used.

We’re not entirely sure what buyers will do with the thing, which lacks the aesthetic appeal of Sony’s robot, also unveiled this week, the DR-4X. HOAP-2 looks like a cruder version of Honda’s Asimo droid.

Now this statement has me concerned on two fronts, one in which I am wondering what exactly do Japanese consumers want to do with a robot that requires aesthetic appeal, and two, how is it possible to be unsure what consumers should do with a REAL WALKING TALKING ROBOT.

This would be a start:

I figure that group of skills alone is enough to get him accepted at most colleges (except maybe the kill part, but wtf good is a robot if it can’t execute the simple task of offing something? thats right, ITS NOT GOOD AT ALL).

See, as I have mentioned before, and certainly will do again, scientists have a bad habit of overestimating themselves and the remainder of humanity when defining the word ‘useful’. It would be sort of useful if they made a robot that could drink tea, rescue kittens from a tree, and recite the complete works of Shakespeare, but try to convince me of that when I can’t find my remote.

I rest my case.

hay everybody whats up?

Well, at this point you are probably wondering one of two things: what sort of nerve I have to just waltz back in here and start posting again like I didn’t walk out on you like your second alcoholic step-father, and, why haven’t I posted any slices.

Well, I don’t have any slices. But I do have this:

We even?

If he keeps doing this shit, I am going to have to change my name. https://news.ninemsn.com.au/Entertainment/story_28442.asp

The star told the documentary, entitled “Living With Michael Jackson”, that it was always the children’s choice to sleep in his bedroom and that he was happy to oblige.

“It’s not sexual. We’re going to sleep. I tuck them in and I put a little music on and when it’s story time I read a book.

“We go to sleep with the fire on and I give them hot milk and cookies. It’s very charming and very sweet. It’s what the whole world should do,” Jackson said.

“Why can’t you share your bed? The most loving thing to do is to share your bed with someone. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s very right, it’s very loving. Because what’s wrong with sharing a love?”

Too late.

January’s Results:

Life: 1
Jacko: 0

Procrastination really sucks. Well, that is until you are out of the mess that said procrastination comfortably generated for you, and think about all of the time you had to do whatever you wanted, then it doesn’t seem so bad. Except for the fact that I posted maybe twice in January. That part is pretty lame, just like me.

But, as much as I would like to leave this for another day, there is work to be done. See, with the recent shuttle disaster, many important things that would usually be on our minds and on the newsreel have been overlooked. Take Cecelia O’Hare, for instance. On the same day as the atmospheric catastrophe currently hogging the airways, this caring, gentle wife was innocently dining at a Panama City McDonalds when she “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” (quoted from her lawsuit). Husband hit by a bus? Ran away with a stripper?

Worse.

A couple is suing the franchisee of a McDonald’s restaurant, claiming an improperly prepared bagel damaged the husband’s teeth and their marriage.

They alleged the McDonald’s, owned by Johnstone Foods Inc., was negligent and violated an “implied warranty that the food sold was reasonably fit for human consumption.”

They contend in the suit that John O’Hare broke teeth and bridgework on Feb. 1, 2002 when he bit into the bagel. The suit did not say what exactly was wrong with the bagel.

The suit alleges the wife “lost the care, comfort, consortium and society of her husband.” The couple’s attorney, Tim Warner, did not return telephone messages left at his office.

You are probably thinking the same thing I am thinking: when did McDonalds start selling bagels? That and I hope that his wife is OK. Sometimes survival is worse than death, my friends.

According to my calculations (I made none), unless you dumped the bagel out of the bag and started eating the damn thing off the table with no hands, it would be pretty hard to not notice the destructive capabilities of a tooth-chippin’ bagel.

But, it is still pretty hard to blame the guy. After all, in his own lawsuit he states that he assumed McDonald’s food was “reasonably fit for human consumption.” When you start out that horribly wrong, it’s almost a guarantee that someone will lose a tooth.

Oh, according to Harlan Bakeries, the production line for the creation of mcDonalds bagels was added in 1999. Just thought you’d like to know for when you don’t eat there.

I doubt that any of you mofos have any money left after Sharkey linked the adult diaper store the other day, but just in case any of you have birthdays coming up or excessively large trust funds (paypal), I thought I’d share.

It’s the GasBGon flatulence filter, and it’s helping provide relief for thousands of gas passers who have cleared rooms or blamed the dog for far too long.

“People tell us, ‘Thank you for giving my life back. Now I can go out in public again,'” Sharron Huza, the cushion’s creator, said in an interview. “They’ll bring it with them to the movie theatre, to work, in the car or on the airplane.”

Now, take a look at the “it” that they are bringing “with them to the movie theatre, to work, in the car or on the airplane”:

Sweet Jesus. I guess there still isn’t much room for discreetness in this sick, sad world. Furthermore, if I had the time, I sure as hell wouldn’t spend any of it pointing out all of the horrible puns in this Fox News article, but hey, if you are looking for some training on embarrassing yourself with shitty writing, there isn’t a better place to start:

https://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,75658,00.html

Buy it here. As if any of you have contact with other actual humans LOLER HAHA. *shoots self*

Well, I’ll see you guys later, its been real fun.

BUBONIC PLAGUE IS FUCKING MISSING

This morning, coming back from a little over two weeks without using a computer, I took the opportunity to clean out my hotmail. Now, as you may or my not know, depending on whether or not I have told you, I receive quite a large amount of spam. My hotmail inbox runs the gamut from “win a flat screen TV!” to “boost cell phone reception” to “Free porn in your email” from Amazing_Ass_Amanda. Wow.

Now, a normal person might question why I even keep a hotmail account, especially when that question is bolstered by the fact that no one that I know has sent a message to that account in years. But, then again, that person might also question why I wrapped their head in duct tape and buried them in the trench I dug in my basement. Some questions just don’t need answers.

And some questions do. Like the question that arose when I saw this:

Mike Tyson sex video. Now, although it has never been my thing, I can roughly understand the appeal to the many types of porn saturating the market today. Farm sluts and the pony, bondage, bla bla blah, the list goes on.

But why, in the name of all that is holy, would anyone ever, ever want to see that toothless hillbilly mike tyson in a sex video. There are some things better left to the imagination, and there are some thing better left to rot in the abyss of hell. The image of Mike Tyson’s toothless grin in a gaysex video with Don King is one of them.

Mofos, this is complete bullshit. I’ve done much dumber things whilst intoxicated and I never got my name in the paper.

An ambulance crew found a man bloody and unconscious. Officers began securing the crime scene and knocking on doors to find out if neighbors had seen or heard anything suspicious.

“The neighbors said the victim was intoxicated and wanted to see how far he could throw a brick into the air,” Gorman said. “He threw it up in the air a couple of times trying to get it higher.

“The last time he threw it up into the air, he lost sight of it because it was dark. It hit him in the back of the head.”

The only part I didn’t like about this story is that they never reveal how far he was actually able to propel the brick into the air, nor did they discuss the approximate size and whether or not the brick was re-pressed prior to firing. But, even with those shortcomings, the part where the brick hit him in the head was pretty good.

You see, your common “lay” civilian-type person would think that this experience signals the end of this particular drunkards physics experiments, and that person is wrong. After such a brilliant introduction to the power of gravity in an enlightened state, who wouldn’t have a keen interest in his physical surroundings? Do you have any idea how many powers of the universe need to come together to make this happen?

Me neither. But it was still pretty cool when the brick hit him on the head.

Fed up with restaurants offering “fried pawns” and “bean eurd,” Beijing tourism officials are launching a campaign to stamp out mangled English on menus and public signs, a state newspaper reported Friday.

“There are many ‘Chinglish’ words on road signs, public notices, menus and signs describing scenic spots, which often puzzle foreigners,” the China Daily quoted Xiong Yumei, vice director of the Beijing Tourism Bureau, as saying. [Story]

I believe that this is part of a plot to remove all fun from the universe. Next thing you know they are going to expect us to order without using the chinaman voice.

*finishes with a stolen story so he can get back to his usual routine of playing stratego indoors*
Eating at a chinese restaurant with the family, the waitress (to whom English is a second language) takes everyone’s orders.
She gets to my cousin, who, in his best Chinaman voice, says “I wanna numma six”
His mother gives him a smack upside the head.
The waitress asks “You no want him have numma six?”
Couldn’t help but laugh.

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiance’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred…then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door. There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fianc,e’ what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?