Telemarketing Assholes 101

Here’s a little science from crookedg, which I will now drop upon thee:

From: crookedg

hey sharkey-

sorry to hear about your phone sales woes…i’m one of the countless survivors who formerly made a living selling shit to people over the phone. i can’t speak for every calling center, but i’ll give you a general overview of what your request to not be called again amounted to. basically it’s a double-fucked situation; first of all because the person trying to sell you the shit already hates you as soon as they see your name and information come up again on their computer screen. see, you would be suprised how small the pool is that these sorry slobs are fishing out of…and it takes remarkebly little effort for one to realize that the mr. sharkey who just cussed them out 2 hours ago is magically (and beyond their control..-ly) on the other end of their line again. it only takes a few trys before they automatically associate your name with the verbal abuse they previously had to endure, and despite their kind (scripted) language and seemingly sympathetic attention to your dilemma, you are now forever marked. kindness is the only weapon of the telemarketer, and they will use it savagely against you. pay close attention and you will hear the hint of satisfaction as they again apologize and promise to do all they can to make sure you aren’t bothered again.

now on to the second part of the aforementioned double-fuck: the computerized call dispositioning system. basically, after a telemarketer completes a call, they have to hit a certain number or letter on their computer that logs what happend with the call…for instance, “1” for a sale, “2” for a no sale, “3” if the person who answered was unauthorized to make a decision, etc. there is also a little box where you can add notes, for example, “spoke little english, hard to understand,” or “works late hours, do not call after 2 p.m.,” etc. where i worked, there was indeed an option to choose when people asked not to be called again, but about 2 hours after dispostioning a call with that option, it became sadly obvious that that particular code didn’t really do shit. as it turns out, first of all, it usually takes a few days just for the information to register. then when it does register, some magical computer process decides whether or not to actually take the number out of the database. opinions vary wildly about just what this mysterious computer process is…my personal belief is that no numbers are ever taken out, and calls marked as sales are only taken out after some kind of successful monetary transaction has been made.

so, that’s basically the thing of it. you’re dealing with miserable people who hate their jobs, who couldn’t really help you anyway, even if they really wanted to. my advice is, next time they call, ask right away to speak to a supervisor. if they ask why, which they probably won’t (any time a supervisor is on their line is time that they aren’t making calls, and appreciated), don’t give them a reason, just insist on speaking to a supervisor. usually, the supervisors aren’t scripted and able to talk a little more freely. explain the situation to them, being as polite as possible, and ask to be removed from the calling database. the supervisor will then assure you that the problem will be taken care of, at which point he or she will most likely disposition the call as a “do not call” call, which, as you now know, doesn’t do shit.

there were rumors about some kind of federal do not call list, where you have to pay a certain amount of money to be put on some list that makes you invisible to telemarketers, but i don’t really know anything about that. just keep checkin the caller ID man, if it’s an 800 number or private or blocked or something, don’t answer. take it from someone on the inside, it’s really the only tried and true method to avoide phone sales. however, if you still feel the need to have any fun at their expense, try to do it in a non-verbally abusive manner. for instance, i once had one guy on the phone for over an hour because he promised he would buy the service if i could name the wwf wrestler whose theme music he was playing over the phone. i knew he wouldn’t buy it, but it got me some semi-legit time off the phone and i’m pretty sure he got some kind of mild amusement out of it.

The WWF wrassler thing had me laughing. I think I’ll tell the next SBC rep who calls that I will purchase a new rate plan, if they can tell me whether I am actually taking a shit, or if I’m just faking.

Thanks for the info crookedg, I feel a little less guilt regarding my constant tormenting of these pricks. Of course, since I felt no guilt before, I now have negative guilt, which I beleive to be spite. And spite, as we all know, is what makes the world go ’round.