Old Skool Mofo: Tales of a Teenage Porn Fiend

(Note this is a reader-contributed story. Yes, we actually read what you guys send to us, and are more than likely to post it here. So if you have a great story to tell about the good ole days, then send your submissions in.)

I had become quite friendly with my online buddy, Squirrel. We both smoked weed and he was 18 with a credit card, so I asked him if he would be nice enough to get me a bong if I paid for it. He agreed, so my friend Wart and I searched all over the net for an awesome piece with a price that wasn’t too much.

We eventually settled on the Attitude Adjuster made by Thunder Head Glass. 125 dollars, but it was totally hand blown, about 20 inches, thick, and very good looking (kinda like my penis [I think that point is rather subjective, pal. – Jeff]). So Squirrel orders it and it arrives at his house like a week later in a unlabeled brown box. We tried multiple times to get a good time to meet, but he lives like 45 minutes away, so we couldn’t find one. Finally one night I told him to just come over at 3:30 the next day (school ends at 3:00). This was possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever told anyone.

The next day we get home at like 3:15 and my mom immediately calls someone and talks to them for 25 minutes. The second she hangs up, Squirrel calls and goes “Damn it, Roger, your line has been busy! I’m in the neighborhood, so come outside and I’ll meet you by the road.” So while still on the phone, I rush downstairs heading for the door.

Now that was very odd for me. At the time, during school days, I usually didn’t really go downstairs, and pretty much never left the house. So when I came downstairs and my mom goes, “Where are yah going?” from inside the office, I just said I was gonna take a walk around the block.

So here I go. I open the door, walk outside, standing there on our driveway with just socks on and a phone in my hand. Out of nowhere, my mom opens the front door and comes out. She sees me, with just socks on, holding a phone, walking down the driveway to peer around the corner, and she goes, “What’s going on?” At about this exact moment, on the other side of the driveway, Squirrel starts edging his car around our hedge in front of our driveway. So basically I’m sitting here, with white socks on my feet, holding my portable phone from upstairs, with some guy going 2 miles an hour in a car looking directly at me with a cell phone in his hand, and I’m proclaiming that I’m taking a walk because “my ankle is hurting.”

“You aren’t taking a walk, you don’t even have shoes on,” she says. She asks who was in the car, and I say I don’t know what she is talking about. I said I’m talking to my friend Ben on the phone.

After some strange glances and a little more questioning she heads back in the house and I, as nervous as humanly possible, walk around and meet Squirrel. I snatch the bong out of his trunk and stash it under our hedge and throw some leaves on it.

I than head back in the house, close the door, walk two steps, and hear my mom go. “OK Roger, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” Ouch. Not only did she see all the shit outside, but it turns out she also heard when Squirrel first called and said, “I’m in the neighborhood, come outside I’ll meet you here.” She was listening in on my phone call.

So for like 20 straight minutes I am being questioned, denying the whole thing. She checked my pockets for drugs and stolen items. She was insanely pissed that I was lying to her, because she knew it. Finally, she threatened to tell my dad (he was on the phone with my brother who at a later time asked what happened). Now my Dad would have been smart enough to look outside so it became apparent to me that I better fess up quick or I will get caught anyhow. So I am about to actually admit it when I get a flash of pure genius.

“Mom, I can’t believe I have to tell you this… this is so embarrasing. **pause** Mom…I was buying a pornography tape.” Now this was absolutely brilliant looking back on it, because what can she do? She can’t really get that mad about porn, and at the same time its not something you want to tell yer parents about. However, she was still steamingly pissed about me lying.

So we go in the other room where my dad is sitting on the phone with my brother (who it turned out was paying noticeable attention to what was going on in the house between Mom and I). After he hangs up on my bro, we have this big conversation about lying and I am feeling terrible at this moment.

My dad mentions that he is fine with me getting pornography, and that teens do that type of thing and he understands. However, my mom was not so cool with it.

“Jared! Dont just be so nonchalant with this. You don’t know. I think Roger is addicted to pornography!”

This of course is the normal retarded reaction my mom gives. She is such a media hound that she actually believes that shit like that happens to 16 year olds. I. of course, yell some random interjections that go along the lines of, “What the fuck? I’m not fucking addicted to porn. Jesus.”

Than she turns to me and goes, “Roger, was it child porn?”

I almost shit my self that was so stupid.

“Roger, was it animal porn?”

Ok, that was too much. I just yelled out that it was normal fucking porn. Fucking as an interjection, not an adjective.

They then asked where the tape was. I said I didn’t take it because she had busted me, and I was so scared that I just had him keep the tape so they wouldn’t find out. Good thinking.

So feeling terrible about lying, I said I was gonna go on a bike ride. So I get on my bike, ride out, and smother the box with leaves and branches and stuff. I then ride out and decide I have to do something in order to make an excuse why I was riding my bike for so long. So I bike over the bridge and as luck had it, some woman had just lost her dog and she asked me to bike around five blocks and take it back home. So then I had this solid alibi for my mom when she asked why I was out riding for so long.

After further questioning when I got back in, I called Wart, told him what was going on, and he was very cool about it. He immediatly drove over, put the bong in his trunk, and then got a cd from me (we needed a reason for him to be over), and drove home. He kept the bong in his trunk for a couple weeks, and then he finally gave it to me once my parents had cooled down about the whole incident.

So that is how I got my bong. At a later date as I mentioned, my brother was concerned about what happened. He thought I was buying weed and I said no, it wasn’t that, but was related (I didn’t show him the bong till a few months later, for some reason I was embarassed or something). Also the next day my mom came and sort of as a way to signify that she was alright with me having porn, she said, “I just got back from Blockbuster… I tried calling you asking if you wanted to rent something, like Debby Does Dallas.” It was a joke, but it meant she was cool with it.

Later on, a friend from school named Al had come over and we were gonna head to his house at 11:30pm. She wondered why we were heading out that late. We were gonna go smoke out, but the excuse was that we were gonna work on his spanish video (we had been doing that earlier). I go, “Mom, we are gonna go over to his place so we can finish editing the movie.” She gives me this real nefarious look, pulls me into the room, gets real close up to my ear, and whispers, “Porn?”

Smurf