Mommy Gets Spanked When Shes Naughty Too

I just took a look at this little advice column, and I have to say that I’m a little disappointed. It’s called You’re Caught In The Act, and its about what you should do if your kid walks in on you and someone having sex. Now, this isn’t the 1950’s anymore and Dr. Ruth’s advice is getting more stale than her undercarriage, so why not throw in a little bit of originality?

Let’s just dissect this motherfucker bit by bit, shall we?

• Don’t get angry. Tell her calmly yet firmly to leave your room, close the door, and go back to her own. Yelling at her could scare her and make her think that what she saw was wrong.

• If your child bolted on her own, follow her back to her room.

OK, wait. We’re kicking them out, having them shut the door, and we’re not going back to the business at hand? What am I, a goddamned robot? If I don’t finish my duty of rockin’ that booty, the terrorists win. So, after polishing her off, its time to console the child.

Now, this is where I would like to avoid the unpleasantness, and explain to the child that a burglar came in, stole our clothes, and made us wrestle while he made his escape. But something tells me that this is not the best course of action. Besides, these kids watch MTV from the age of four now, I’m sure the Christina Aguilera videos have properly educated the child on what was happening. And if you’re gay, then HBO has properly educated the child on what was happening, so you’re golden.

The article states that you need to talk to the child, answering questions openly and honestly. But considering their modern upbringing, the questions will probably revolve around whether or not you “wrapped it up” or if she likes it in the butt. These are questions for the child’s therapist, not his parent. Unless the kid is 13+, and on his way to becoming a pimp. In which case, you should have had a long instructional chat with him already, including but not limited to the donkey punch and it’s many variations.

• Sooth your lover. Your first obligation is to your kids, so you’ll need to explain to your lover that you’ll be back as soon as you make sure the kids are OK. When you’re through with the kids, the two of you need to talk. One or both of you may be freaked out by the whole experience, so discuss what you’re both feeling.

Ok, one of the people involved in this is a dude, right? Discuss what you’re feeling? Why not discuss what you could be feeling? I say laugh it off and get ready for round two. Especially if she’s an exhibitionist, in which case take her outside and let the neighbors’ kids get an education.

Not really much of a point to this post I guess, I just hate when people make cookie-cutter advice articles based on pop psychology bullshit from 1986.