Well Suckerpunch My Kidneys

Stupid Sharkbot I whipped up to post for me while I was away malfunctioned five minutes after I left. That’s a lesson for you, never make your Sharkbot out of used Aibo and Furby parts. If the fuckers don’t get love and attention every five minutes, they trash your place, shit on the rug and put hidden cameras into the showers of your hot neighbor’s bathroom. That last bit is what I’m going to tell the jury on Thursday, anyway.

So I’m a man who has to complain (not really) about too much vacation. It turns out that I’d completely misjudged the date of my trip to Oregon. Seems that it is this Saturday, one week after my return from Mexico. How does a man so horribly misjudge timing? Do I not have a calendar? On the contrary, I have two. One is turned to February, the other stuck in May. Most people I know call me lazy, personally I think it’s that my brain is so overloaded with obscure movie quotes and random facts involving monkeys that it has no time to actually calculate… well, time.

All of this bullshit is really my way of saying that if you didn’t like the silence of the last few days, tough cookies. At least you weren’t sued by DirecTV this week. Thankfully DirecTV was too expensive for my tastes, or I’d be up for a Big-Brother delivered wiretap. If I don’t have one already. If so, they’ve wasted a lot of your tax dollars listening in on phone sex lines and that Moviephone guy. Oddly enough, both were used for the same purpose.