Keeping Bathing Suit Areas Under Wraps

I just saw a commercial for a law firm who is asking for any clients who have been sexually abused by Catholic priests to call their toll-free number for information on representation so that the victims can “hold the wrongdoers accountable”. This is quite possibly the best thing on TV to date. An ad asking anyone who’s blown Father Dowling to cash in quick. Smell that, lawyers? That’s the fucking smell of opportunity! Or is it fire and brimstone? This almost makes me sad that the whole suit against McDonalds didn’t go through. Imagine the commercials for that lawsuit.

“Attention Americans, are you so fat that neighborhood children cry when they hear you exclaim ‘I’m hungry’? Are you so morbidly obese that when you get a papercut it bleeds a solution mainly comprised of pork fat? Are you so Goddamned repulsively rotund that a pitchfork looks like a standard eating utensil in your brobdingnagianly colossal mitts? Well my dear friends, have we got the lawsuit for you! Did you know that it’s not your fault you’re a big fat load? Nope, it’s McDonald’s fault for not telling you that brushing your teeth with Ranch dressing and gargling with milkshakes is not an effective way to keep a slim and slender figure! Call now to sue the pants off of them, and we’ll throw in this delicious Christmas ham! It’s a few weeks old by now, but with that hoover vacuum of a maw you’ve got, it won’t make a lick of difference! Oh yeah, almost forgot! If a Catholic priest ever somehow managed to molest your disgustingly immense form, give us a call, we’ll throw in some stale pie!”

I’m a little bitter because I’m suffering from insomnia and the only thing on is Suburban Commando. Share in my pain, my friends. Share and share alike.