Better sit down for this one, astute researchers from the Pew & American Life project have uncovered the shocking revelation that “the Internet has become an integral part of college life, and not just for studying.”
The survey of college students across the country found that 86 percent use the Internet, compared with 59 percent of the overall U.S. population.
Sweet Jesus in a birchbark canoe. This is more incomprehensible than their recent discovery that eating McDonalds every day will turn you into a tubby piece of bloated shit, and slightly more amazing than the time they discovered that caboose is the preferred spot on the mantrain.
Which, (almost) leads us to the next question: what the fuck are the other 14 percent doing [for porn]?
“For this group of college students, the Internet just works. [Sitting down and jerking off to porn on their roommate’s hp pavillion] is like turning on the tap and getting water or turning on the TV,” says Steve Jones, the report’s lead author and chairman of the communications department at the University of Illinois at Chicago.That doesn’t mean students are slacking off. Jones says his research indicates that students are simply using the Internet to help them pack more [acquiring porn and jerking off] activity into less time.
Which frees them up to spend more of this saved time drinking Zima alone and watching the cartoon network. In all seriousness, realizing that the Dewey decimal system is only slightly more complicated than IP notation, the only reason the Internet is so popular with students doing homework is they are too fucking lazy and stupid to use a library.
Oh, that and they can use the Internet to whack off while they are pretending to do their college homework. Uh, not that I would know anything about that.
I was kicked out long ago for masturbating in the library.