Month: December 2004

[ Burglars Foiled By Grand Theft Auto ] – Wow. If only this had resulted in a dead robber, they would have just barely squeaked in as this year’s Darwin Awards winner.

Back in March, Sandy Wilson was taking care of her three grandsons when a group of men attempted to burglarize her home, pointing a gun at the kids.

The children happened to be playing a video game called Grand Theft Auto at the time. The game has dozens of random police scanner messages, which blare out calls such as “This is the police! You’re surrounded!” Believe it or not, Wilson says the burglars heard that message and thought police were outside the door waiting for them.

Good thing the kid playing wasn’t in San Fierro at the time. All the cops there say some interestingly queer things to you.

Pretty interesting link, if you want to check out the 100 oldest .com domains. I laughed when I saw Tandy on there, but was somewhat sad when I saw that their site doesn’t seem to exist anymore.

Frankly, I’m wondering where the porn is.

My pal Floyd made mention of the extreme lack of Claire Forlani around here, so I decided to rectify the situation. You’ll find her gallery updated with fun goodies, chief.

I guess she’s going to be in a couple of movies next year, Shadows in the Sun and The Yank, both of which I know nothing about. So uh… guess you’re shit out of luck. Not that you’re reading this anyway, pervert. You’re already searching the gallery for pics with a slight hint of Claire nipple.

Not that I can blame you, or anything.

[ Charlie & The Chocolate Factory – Teaser Trailer ]

Alright, Johnny Depp’s version of Willie Wonka officially frightens me. And I like it.

The following, I am led to believe, is actually considered news by some organizations. I find this fact to be amazing, terrifying, and hilarious, all within the same breath. I think if we threw lustful or sorrow into the mix, my head might explode and send what’s left inside my colon through my chair.

FROM IMDB

Pop beauty Britney Spears’ smelly feet upset her fellow airplane passengers recently. The “Toxic” singer was flying from Los Angeles to New York with her husband Kevin Federline and decided to make herself more comfortable by removing her shoes. Unfortunately for her fellow passengers, Britney’s feet caused such a stink it wasn’t long before they were forced to complain to a stewardess. One says, “The smell was unbelievable. One woman had a word with the air hostess, then three or four others complained. “She looked pretty embarrassed as she tapped Britney on the shoulder and asked her very politely to put her shoes back on. “Britney went red, laughed and said her shoes made her feet stink. Thankfully she put them on. There’s no way we could have put up with that.”

Lord alive, from the media’s perspective this little trailer park success story is tanking like a Nicole Eggert flick. She’s married, committing career suicide by not touring or recording, planning on getting pregnant, and now she’s stinking up the first class section.

It’s sad, because we’re all such a disgusting bunch of jackals, waiting for this poor girl to get herself knocked up, so she can divorce, realize her horrible mistakes, and try in vain to reinvigorate her savagely ruined career. She’ll probably even offer to do Playboy, but at that point she’ll be too fat and shoeless to even step foot on the mansion grounds. And those bastards let in Carnie Wilson.

…Carnie fucking Wilson.

You know there’s something wrong when fucking Madonna casts aspersions on your virtue.

FROM IMDB –

Madonna‘s devotion to the Kabbalah was behind her decision to fire her long-term manager Caresse Henry, after discovering Henry was having an affair with a bodyguard. The “Like A Virgin” singer was reportedly shocked that Henry, who had also converted to the mystical offshoot of Judaism, had broken one of the religion’s strictest teachings – faithfulness. Henry had a partner back in America, while security man Ricky Dallanegra lived with his girlfriend in London. They have since become a couple after leaving their respective partners. Madonna sought the advice of her rabbi on the matter when she learned of the romance during this summer’s Re-invention tour, before deciding to follow the Kabbalah practices and disown Henry. An insider tells British newspaper The Sun, “Madonna and Guy are deeply committed to their Kabbalah faith which preaches monogamy and faithfulness. It’s ironic, because Madonna used to eat men for breakfast. Now’s she’s a married mother and Kabbalist, she believes cheating is a serious sin. “When she found out her manager was having an affair with her own bodyguard she was devastated. Madonna had a huge falling out with Caresse and said she couldn’t possibly work with her any more.”

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAA!

Jesus, if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle slut, I don’t know what is.

[ IBM Gets Sold To The Reds!!! ]

Soulless commies, I say we give Alec Baldwin a pistol and let his ass loose over there.

“I don’t pretend to know who these Chinese people are. I know they’re small, maybe one or two feet high. I know they sound funny when they talk. I know the womenfolk have sideways vaginas. But underneath their scales, they’re just like you and me.”

God bless America.

…you may as well fail at suicide.

And if you’re going to fail at suicide, you may as well leave one Hell of a mess.

The blast is being investigated by the Chillicothe Police Department as a suicide attempt. According to a report, Morris told officers he turned on the natural gas to his house in an effort to kill himself. He did become concerned, however, someone other than himself would be harmed if the house exploded. But as he went to the basement to turn off the electric circuit breaker, the house exploded.

Morris’ single-story home was leveled to the foundation, said Assistant Chief Steve Barnes.

“It was something to see once we got there,” Barnes said of the damage the blast inflicted on the neighborhood. “There was a large piece of it in the street, in the back yard, leaning against other houses and small pieces were scattered around the neighborhood.”

Something tells me that with three kids, hospital bills, and a funny shaped hole where his house used to be, this guy isn’t going to be the pinnacle of stability once his wounds heal. Sounds like a nice fellow though, which is funny considering all the suicidal folks I’ve ever known (with the exception of teenagers, who usually deserve it) were exceptionally nice people. Which just goes to show that being a complete and utter shitbag to other folks will really do wonders for your self esteem.

Time for me to go randomly shove some forum threads and kick an old man in the crotch. Excuse me.

Somebody really hates getting a ding in her Ford Explorer.

A woman ran over two teenage brothers after they accidentally hit her sport utility vehicle with the golf ball they were bouncing in a parking lot, officials said, leaving one of the boys with life-threatening injuries.

Suchy said no damage was done, and the boys apologized and began to walk away. Allen started to drive away, but suddenly made a U-turn, ran over a median and struck Grayer, causing severe injuries, and Justin Marshman before knocking over a light pole, Suchy said.

She then drove after Jamel Marshman, crossing two medians and striking a utility box before her SUV stopped in a ditch, Suchy said. The boy ran away and was not struck.

There’s also a CNN story about it, discussing the possibility of mental illness. Big surprise.

Alright, so we’ve got some stupid criminal stories to sift through. Grab some hot chocolate or a cup of coffee, and meet me by the fireplace.

First up is a story that I should have posted about over the weekend, only I…you know… didn’t. Thebaaron sent in a story that you may have heard about, regarding a couple of brilliant drug dealing individuals. They were relieved of their quarter-pound of marijuana by theives (criminals stealing from criminals? the devil, you say!) and did just what you’d expect a couple of class-A fuckwits to do: report it to the police.

A Panhandle couple is under arrest after notifying police Thursday that their quarter-pound stash of marijuana was stolen and that they needed the weed back, because they were going to later sell it.

Deputies arrested 18-year-old John Douglas Sheetz and 17-year-old Misty Ann Holmes and charged the duo with possession of marijuana with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Police said the couple told them they were going to resell the marijuana and allowed the detectives to search the apartment. Investigators discovered several marijuana stems among other drug paraphernalia during the search, The News Herald in Panama City reported for Saturday editions.

Wow. Do you think if a kid ran away from Neverland Ranch, Michael Jackson might call the cops because he had intent on… well, let’s not go there.

Next up we’ve got a lovely couple (thanks for the tip, aeproberts) from Eureka, CA who decided that it would be a good idea to steal a cell phone right from the store. The plan was for the woman to distract the clerk with her feminine wiles, while the dude ran off with the phone. Good plan, right? Just one little problem though: the woman gave the clerk their real credit information.

Store Manager John Meyer said that while the couple’s credit was being checked, they used a “diversionary tactic” and walked out of the store with the phone.

Meyer said the couple gave all of their real credit information and when the results were returned they qualified for a special that included a free phone like the one they allegedly walked off with.

Meyer even contacted them and gave them an opportunity to return the phone before calling police.

*shakes head*

First off, before I read about their history, I knew that the guy would have warrants for drug possession, dealing, etc. I just knew it. Only a whacked out junkie could come up with such a retarded, risky, and not to mention low-yeilding plan. And only a strung-out whore could fuck it up so perfectly.

I like that the clerk almost let them off the hook. What a nice gesture to make towards these junkies in the whole spirit of Christmas. Just like the spirit of Christmas this dipshit will get in jail, when a fellow inmate attempts to deliver a holiday yule log up his chimney, after hearing that he’s in jail for stealing a fucking cell-phone.

“Can you hear me now, mothafucka? GOOD!” *thump*